as you might already know, for the past year, i have been planning on going to australia to attend the hillsong international leadership college beginning in january of 09.. this dream and i go way back to 2006.. God put it on my heart to go and learn under the leadership of one of the most influential churches on the planet... and i have prayed about it A LOT... and given up on the dream a lot... and had god re-establish it each time i try to take the easy route.. it's been a roller coaster, to be sure.. but all the while i've been fighting to keep the dream alive.. God has been right there.. stretching me.. growing me... unveiling my eyes to my own weaknesses and being strong inside of them.. humbling me (lots of humbling)... restoring relationships that i thought were gone... and making them new again... he's been leading me.. believing in me... L-O-V-I-N-G me. my relationship and dependency on God has changed in a way that i wasn't expecting... it has truly been amazing.. and im more in love with my creator now than i was before i decided to believe him for the impossible...
you see, ever since the first time the thought of going to australia ever flashed in my mind... i've known that i don't have the means to go... i simply do not have the kind of money it will take to sustain a living in sydney for 11 months... but i've come up in the school of believing God for big things.. stepping out of the boat with my eyes on Jesus... walking on water.. and the last time i did that... God delivered me from the deathly grip of an eating disorder with his unfailing love.. but i sort of haven't done the whole 'step out of the boat and walk on water' thing since then... at least not with anything this big.. so i know in my heart that God is wanting to see if i'll keep my eyes on him through this... and let me tell you... it has NOT been a picnic..
don't get me wrong... God is using people to bless me financially... i have not had an expense concerning the trip so far that God has not provided the exact amount of money that i needed.. and exactly when i needed it.. for example, i needed X amount of dollars to pay tuition and reserve my spot at hillsong... and that is exactly how much money i had in savings... transaction made.. then, i needed Y amount of dollars to pay for the plane ticket... and 2 weeks later a family in our church wrote me a check that took care of all but $100 of the airfare.. and then one of my best friends took care of the rest... again.. god's grace and provision so evident in the situation... BUT... it is getting SO close to time to get on the plane... and while so many friends and family have given me money and pledged to support me financially.. i am still coming up short.. and the loan i was planning on taking out just isn't working out the way i thought... leaving me thousands of dollars short, actually... quite scary, indeed.
so all this to say... it might not happen. i might not be able to go to australia right now.. and i have to be okay with that... i have to let God be in control.. and i could probably preach a sermon on why i should be okay with this possibility.. God is allowed to lead me somewhere and then change directions... he has done this to other people before.. after all, Hebrews 11 talks all about the heroes of the faith.. and then in verse 39 we are told that "these were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised." of course, if in the end.. this is how it goes for me... i am not so bold as to be angry with God for his sovereign will... but in all honesty, i will be a little out of sorts over it... i mean, for me to have come so far.. believed for SO MUCH... seen so much of it come to pass.. and then right here when it counts... not be able to go? really God?? but i am no fool... i fear the God i love... and i would be CRAZY to want to go to australia right now if its outside of his will... i just have to know His power in quietness and trust.. trust is a simple word until you have to actually embody the meaning... but with out a doubt... this is all going according to his plan... my God is jealous for all of me.. he will get all of me... one way or another.
i have 24 days until i'm supposed to fly out of the United States... or should i say God has 24 days to tell me what to do... go or not go... but i know one thing for sure... i better be listening... i have fully surrendered the dream to him... again. and i will dwell in His shelter either way.. go or stay.. He is always going to be my refuge, my fortress, and my God in whom i trust.. He covers me.. He rescues me.. He answers me... and i Love him... hebrews 11:39 might say that people who have great faith don't always get what they have been promised initially... but verse 40 says that it's because God has planned something better.. something perfect. and i know he wants good things for me.. of course he does. He is the definition of GOOD...
Meanwhile... my prayer to God is not that he send me to Australia... but that he keep working on my heart and making it beautiful for Him.. for His glory... I'm asking God to break me for the things He has set before me.. give me the right passions to chase after the tasks that he needs me to accomplish.. i have been prophesied over a few times that i am supposed to carry the truth of God to the nations.. that my voice will set people free.. OH i pray that God would use me for this! what an awesome job!
and yes, i want to lead worship for the rest of my life... forever and ever... but i want to do more than just jump around on a stage and sing... i want to make a d i f f e r e n c e... and i want to love people with the perfect love of the father... not the imperfect love of callie bezet... and to do that i have to open up my heart more and more everyday... and let God give me the capacity to do this His way... because his ways are higher than mine.. amen? yes. amen.
yesterday my friend becca showed me this video.. and it resonated deeply within me.. because i look up to these guys so much (hillsong united/joel houston).. and its awesome to see them making sure people know that loving Jesus isn't just about jumping around on stage and having fun... it's about noticing injustice and allowing God to cause your heart to ache for a solution... and God is doing that in me currently... the Gentleman i devote my life to... is rearranging my focus... redirecting my passion... and i can't believe i have been so selfish for so long... but it feels great to see the light.. finally.
so my prayer is this... God. Please break my heart for the unnoticeable, forgettable nobodies... and help me to tell them who they are... and what they're worth... and give me the honor of teaching them how to sing to YOU... please.
5 comments:
One of the main things that i absolutely love about this video is that besides it calling our attention away from ourselves and onto the hurts of this world, they make it a little more personal in showing that THEY, the people that we know of best going into the world and helping others sometime need their attention called away from themselves as well. I think it makes it a little more real, you know?
I love what God is doing in you right now callie. If you go to Australia, duh..he's going to use you. But if He is calling you NOT to go? Just imagine what else he could have dreamed up for you that 's better than what you thought He would do in Australia! Exciting time my friend :) Either way, with God, it's win win.
He's good that way :)
I so enjoyed our night tonight (and i guess our week together for that matter). I can't wait to see the exciting things God has planned out for you!
I love you friend!
p.s. just mark this down as the longest comment ever...after the "longest blog" ever :)
Callie for so long you have prayed for the Lord to give you wisdom, and wow has that prayer been answered. Of course it's never complete, but the Lord has definitely given you so much wisdom, and its amazing how open you are to see the truth of the situation. God has plans for you that are better than your plans could ever be. So devote yourself to pursuing his heart, and everything will fall into place.
This journey of faith the Lord has lead you on is going to be such a testimony to share now & in the future. It's an honor to friends with someone who is so humble before the Lord, and gracious enough to submit to entirely to His will. You are beautiful inside and out and I am so so so honored to be your friend. Seriously. I want to tell everyone to come read your blog so they can see what an amazing friend I have... and then be jealous. haha I love you! forever. period :)
i don't have as many words as rebecca or katy. but that doesn't mean i love you any less. i just want you to know that YOU ARE LOVED. and that i and other people are praying when you don't have the strength to do it yourself.
This whole process has seemed like it has taken forever. And here we are, days from take off...the Lord's work will be miraculous either way. I feel part of your brokenness as money has become an issue as of late. But there hasn't been anything that God has not remained faithful to. Callie, you seriously are so humble before the Lord...and He gives glory to the humble and crowns to the faithful.
I admire you and love you...but you already knew that. :)
Callie,
Of all of the women I have the pleasure to know, you are by far one of the most special ones to me. You're thirst for the will of God is captivating, and so awesome.What you have said here is not an easy thing to admit to everyone, that you are in a unsettled place. However, seeing you continue to desire and pray for God's will to be done in your life and not the will of your heart....IS ASTOUNDING, and SOOOO SO SO ENCOURAGING! It shows that you crave to be a woman of heavenly wisdom, and virtue. I admire that about your heart. I am very proud of you (not that it means much....but ya kno....haha), and I will for sure be praying that God's will will be done over your life and that you would have a peace in your heart. Love ya a ton girl, I hope you know that. You are a special woman of God, and your Father has amazing plans for your life, I CANT WAIT TO SEE HOW HE USES YOU!
-Scott
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