a never-ceasing cadence...

today's been another weird day.. i can't seem to hoist myself back up into the normal swing of things.. could be because my life isn't shifting in the direction i was expecting.. so i can't seem to find a rhythm.. there is no set pace.. but i am not down in the dumps.. or depressed.. i am totally capable of laughing at the usual nonsense that brings me joy throughout the day.. but i guess i am feeling tired a lot... and this tired feeling is most likely stemming from the strength i am expending on trusting God for what is next.. it is exhausting to release control over my life circumstances and give into God's better ways.. i guess i don't realize how much i actually try to control my own life until God steps in and really demands my surrender..

now that i'm finally figuring out surrender, i am learning that submitting to Devine authority is an acquired skill... of course.. it's not like i ever plan on rebelling against God's power over my life.. because what he allows and doesn't allow is obviously out of my control... but one thing that is in my control is my attitude towards the whole idea.. to have peace in the midst of chaos is a choice... it is a battle won inside of my mind.... and it isn't something that someone is automatically good at... it takes practice... kind of like running long-distance.. unless i train in the ways of surrender daily, and really develop a knack for it.. it will wear me out if i try to do a lot of surrendering all at once... like trying to run 10 miles the first day i lace up my running shoes after a long-absence from the track.. SO.. i guess im learning that i can't just surrender my will for God's once a week.. or every day for a while, and then take a break... i have to do it everyday.. first thing in the morning while everything is still fresh and new..

to surrender is to take off self and put on love.. because when i first fell in love with Jesus and agreed to be crucified with Him on the cross... i surrendered my right to wear anything but Love.. that initial surrender meant that i would become like Him.. in essence.. surrender is to clothe myself in patience, kindness, and humility.. surrender is forfeiting the urge (or in some cases, even the right) to be jealous, rude, proud, or self-seeking.. surrender is rejecting lies that make sense and rejoicing in truth that isn't necessarily always going to be crystal clear... surrender is always protecting, always trusting... and always persevering... no matter what circumstance throws my way... surrender is the only guarantee that i won't fail... my day must begin with surrender.... it must begin with surrendering to Love. After all, "His love has the first and last word in everything we do." (2 Corinth 5:14, message)

so in this precarious season of my life.. while im still learning the ropes of surrender.. i thank God that i can rely on something that will always be constant.. a north star... His unfailing Love.. i pray that each day it would flow into and out of me... like a never-ceasing cadence.. like the unforced rhythms of grace.. let this love be the clearest evidence that i reside within the spirit of a good and perfect Father.. and let this love be a constant reminder of where my identity comes from as a blameless daughter of the King.. and please always let me remember that when i hand the reigns of my life over to Love, i need not take them back... they are in perfect hands..