oh don't mind me...

today i didnt feel like doing much... so i creeped you all on facebook.. that's right.. every single one of you........... and i'm not even ashamed.

books...

lately i've been bored with reading.. nothing seems to grab my attention and hold it until the end of the very last page.. i'll start something with good intentions of learning and applying new knowledge to my life.. but i put it down 30 pages in.. never to pick it up again.. which is weird.. because i love to read.. and usually, all i want to do in my spare time is sit in a coffee shop and underline thought-provoking quotes in the latest book i've picked up.. but it's been a LONG time since a book really grabbed me.

tonight i stood in front of the bookshelf in my room and asked god to point to a book.. maybe there was one that i'd put down without finishing that i should pick back up.. or one i'd read before that would be good to read a second time.. but as i stood there glancing thru the titles of the books lining my shelves.. i felt uninspired.. so i went into the living room with my bible. i didn't get very far past 2 Peter 1:3 before i got into a conversation with my lovely roommate katy who was so graciously listening to me sulk about how somewhere along the way, i've lost a certain level of intimacy with the Lord and the craving for him that i had about a year and a half ago.. i was talking about how i just feel so busy.. but like i'm not getting any where. i'm not really sure what to do about my dreams. and a lot of times.. i'm too complacent to pray about them..

so she started pouring into me (such a blessing to live with someone who will pour into you and encourage you to seek God's heart) and she put a book in my hands that i'm certain will stir something up inside of me.. because the topic of the book is chasing the Holy Spirit.. and breaking free of "cages" that lure us into living lives less adventurous than God intended... and after reading the first few pages.. i already don't want to put it down.. (i have to tho bc it's the book katy's reading right now and i have to give it back) but basically.. after a bit of reading.. i can already see how i've grown bored with my faith.. and how i've let my dreams grow stagnant. aanyway... tonight i'm asking God to give me dreams bigger than the ones i already have... passions stronger than the ones i have now.. it's likely that God will not cause my dreams and passions to veer very far from the ones i already have.. but how will i know if i'm on track if i'm not asking God to breath on them and cultivate them according to what HE wants for me. i might even already have a pretty good idea of what my dreams are.. but chances are.. God's idea of what they look like coming to fruition is different (and better) than my befuddled rendition of what will come to pass.. and most importantly... kingdom dreams arise from knowing God's spirit.. being familiar with His heartbeat.. and recognizing His voice... i refuse to be bored with my faith any longer.. obviously, based on God's very character.. there is more than what i've found thus far... there is always more. i can't wait to finish this book...

"We start dying when we have nothing worth living for. And we don't really start living until we find something worth dying for."-- Mark Batterson, Wild Goose Chase.

Maybe our truest passions are the only things (at least in my case) that can completely convince us to deny ourselves and live sacrificially... God show me what i'd be willing to die for.

re-reading...

ever read back over what you've written in your journal? i love to do that... i read the prayers i've written.. and the aches my heart that i poured out before the Lord.. and see how God has answered them. all. he meets every need.. answers every cry..

sometimes i find things i've written.. desperate pleas to God.. to not let me forget Him.. and the things i've come to know about Him... i've begged him to engrain who he is into my memory.. and cause me to remember His goodness and love.. and let that stir up a passion in me.. and it's cool because when i go back and read what i've written.. i remember the condition of my heart when i wrote that entry.. and God moves in me. again.

when I was in australia last month.. God woke me up eeaaarrrly.. (maybe a little too early.. haha) with a fresh vision for what he wants my ministry to look like... and i couldn't write it down fast enough.. and i hadn't read it again until tonight.. but re-reading it helped me to refocus.. and re-fix my eyes on my beautiful Jesus... my author and finisher... because we all know it's totally possible to become distracted from even the deepest desires of our hearts... and we need to be reminded that at the very core of who we are.. Jesus is our deepest desire.. when we don't allow him to hold that place in our lives.. all kinds of chaos and confusion can arise.. anyway, i'm well aware of how prone to wandering i am... so i'm constantly asking God to help me remember truth... anyway, i'll share:

"Lord God, you've woken me up this morning with a fresh desire to be ready. To be ready at any moment to encourage people with your Word and to declare truth over their lives. I do pray that you would seal that right now inside of my heart and inside of my will... that my primary ministry would arise from being ready to encourage people towards believing in you for things that seem impossible. God keep fresh words from your spirit on my lips and let them come forth from my heart.. from Christ in me. And Lord let what you do in and through me spread to everyone near me. Lord may I become used to this. May it become something normal in my life to be a light house of truth in dark places. Solidify this new thing in me. Oh Lord, thank you so much for a fresh passion.. please keep it alive.. and keep adding life to the fire... stir it up in me so much that if i don't share what you put in my heart with others i cannot even sleep. thank you for new dreams. fresh vision. and a renewed desire to know you intimately. Oh Lord, please hold these things in my heart. do not let me go back to sleep. I love you so much. Change me so that i might make an impact for you."

sometimes when i write to the Lord.. i can tell he's responding to me.. so i write down what he says.. this is what he said to me that morning:

---> "Oh my precious girl.. i've been waiting to wake you up with newness. you are such a light already. let me make you stronger. come to me with every weakness you have. i will lift you up. i will strengthen your heart. i will love you in such a way that it rocks the nations. let me surprise you. let me come through for you. let me have the chance to blow you away with my heart for you. wait on me, child. you won't have to wait much longer. i see your desires. they ache in my chest as well.. the time is coming when we will both be satisfied in regard to the cravings of your spirit. walk with me in love."

How beautiful is that? what a beautiful God.... i can't imagine loving anyone more... nobody else says beautiful things to me like that. he is absolutely my only real delight... and the only one who satisfies...

He is real.. He is alive.. He speaks.. He loves.. He listens.. He reminds..... He is always good.. and he never leaves... or changes his mind...

[resting]

... an australian sunset... because you needed to see it :)

mighty deliverer...

i wonder how many times a day... we are rescued. delivered from the hands of evil.. things that could have come to pass... don't because God intervenes on our behalf. the word of God says that Jesus is constantly interceding for us before the throne.. and that the Lord fights for us and all we have to do is be still... he watches over us. protects us.. keeps his hand on us.. i wonder.. what does God shield our eyes from.. what messes does he clean up that we don't even realize we've made.. does he tie up our loose ends before things fall apart on us... before things go awry... and before we need to be healed and redeemed.. and put back together again.. how often does he prevent our heartache..

i know sometimes we do fall subject to the brokenness of this world... we all have wounds that need healing.. and will probably all encounter more sharp objects hurled at us by the enemy for as long as we are here.. we come to know strife.. we are always needing to be healed.. and reconciled.. and purified.. and refined... the inadequacies of earth tend to leave grubby fingerprints on our righteousness... God doesn't keep his children in a plastic bubble.. but i believe he would if he thought he could get away with it and not tamper with our ability to choose his goodness over the evil we experience on a daily basis.. he is a good God.. he doesn't want us to hurt or cry... or lose our confidence.. and i'd be willing to bet that he does what he can to keep us from pain.. just like any parent.. except more intense.. because he's God of the universe.. and the author of love..

tonight i've been thinking about the idea of God working all things together for the good of those who love him... i love him. therefore.. he is working ALL things together for my good.. this is such a comforting verse to me.. because i'm realizing that when things happen that seem to be a disappointment.. or something i thought was going to happen... doesn't. "MY GOOD" is at the top of God's priority list.. and even though i can't see it yet.. there is more going on than meets the eye.. there's a war in the spirit realm that i can't see.. and my Jesus is taking hits for me... while i am unaware... considering the amount of destruction the enemy would like to do on my life... when i compare that.. to the consistent provision and comfort and love i experience on a daily basis.. i think it would suffice to say that God fights for us.. far more than we could begin to realize... he is FOR us.. he loves. us. and gives us grace.. peace.. rest.. salvation.. good gifts... hope.. a future... and allows us to know his goodness in the land of the living.. what a good.. good.. God... i want to know everything about him..

writing this blog to boost the thanksgiving in my heart... and squelch the efforts of the thief... this Joy is mine.. i'll be keeping it :)

please be a broken record for me...

God is shaping me.. changing me all the time.. carving who he designed me to be out of who i was.. and it's a never-ending process that i'm learning to love.. the more pride he manages to take from me.. the more painless the changing becomes.. and actually.. i'm learning that i change the most when i'm standing in His presence with my eyes on Him.. and not on myself.. that's when he can break things off of me that i couldn't let go of before.. the power of His spirit is the main catalyst for change in my life..

there are about a million things i could tell you that i learned at hillsong.. so many things that i get overwhelmed thinking about having to share them with everyone.. and eventually.. stories will emerge i'm sure.. but for now i can't manage to blog about anything other than the fact that God allured me with wild flowers to a place called Sydney, Australia.. and He met me there... and reminded me that He is wildly in love with me.. and that he is capable of giving me the moon.. and so much more.. and that it's okay to dream.. because dreams come true. and he reminded me that i have a purpose that only i can fulfill.. and that if i don't answer His call for my life.. no one else will.. i'm unique.. and irreplaceable.. and His main priority for my life is that i know him... inside and out.. from every angle... and the rest falls into place...

so upon returning to the states.. i've checked some of my priorities... and placed my king back in His rightful place.. and my heart is light again :)

until next time... love xoxo

more to come...

I haven't forgotten to post about Sydney... i just can't think straight yet.. but i'll leave you with this thought until i get around to processing my week on the other side of the world...

God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above and beyond anything we can hope or ask for... do you believe it?

suitcase...

tomorrow my lovely sister and i will be taking a little trip..