please be a broken record for me...

God is shaping me.. changing me all the time.. carving who he designed me to be out of who i was.. and it's a never-ending process that i'm learning to love.. the more pride he manages to take from me.. the more painless the changing becomes.. and actually.. i'm learning that i change the most when i'm standing in His presence with my eyes on Him.. and not on myself.. that's when he can break things off of me that i couldn't let go of before.. the power of His spirit is the main catalyst for change in my life..

there are about a million things i could tell you that i learned at hillsong.. so many things that i get overwhelmed thinking about having to share them with everyone.. and eventually.. stories will emerge i'm sure.. but for now i can't manage to blog about anything other than the fact that God allured me with wild flowers to a place called Sydney, Australia.. and He met me there... and reminded me that He is wildly in love with me.. and that he is capable of giving me the moon.. and so much more.. and that it's okay to dream.. because dreams come true. and he reminded me that i have a purpose that only i can fulfill.. and that if i don't answer His call for my life.. no one else will.. i'm unique.. and irreplaceable.. and His main priority for my life is that i know him... inside and out.. from every angle... and the rest falls into place...

so upon returning to the states.. i've checked some of my priorities... and placed my king back in His rightful place.. and my heart is light again :)

until next time... love xoxo

more to come...

I haven't forgotten to post about Sydney... i just can't think straight yet.. but i'll leave you with this thought until i get around to processing my week on the other side of the world...

God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above and beyond anything we can hope or ask for... do you believe it?

suitcase...

tomorrow my lovely sister and i will be taking a little trip..

time to say something...

so.. i've been pretty silent lately as far as blogs are concerned.. i'd love to say that i have a good reason for not writing... but i don't. and it's strange because i truly love to write...  but i've been in this really weird state of mind lately where i don't feel like myself.. and i haven't felt like doing the things i love the most. like reading. and writing. and creating. so i definitely haven't been blogging. i haven't felt like i have anything to contribute... haven't wanted to share. ((learning about myself that i tend to be sort of closed off.. like a locked room in a tall tower [had to put a brooke lyric in there] :) .. im working on it tho))  honestly if i'm going to be real.. i've been in this really dry place spiritually.. not motivated to seek.. or grow.. which is really strange because i'm constantly immersed in a church that is MORE than alive with the spirit of God and consistent growth and creativity.. and even though all around me people seem to be thriving... i've felt consistently braindead..  and all i've been able to do is watch as the hand of God spurs on this amazing change in our church.. and wonder what is wrong with me because i'm not as excited as i should be. and i've felt ill-equipped to be in a leadership roll among such passionate leaders... i've felt like a bad Christian more in the past few weeks than i ever have. absolutely z e r o grace for myself...... what a shocker.

but the lord is at work in me.. faithful to stay with me even tho i haven't been fighting to be near him.  thru this period of time where i've felt like i'm in this really dry place.. God's been revealing to me that there are still some places in my heart that i haven't given to him for healing.. mainly because i don't realize they are there.. i'm super bad about ignoring things that aren't how i want them to be.. and blocking them out.. so i'm realizing that there's still a ton of stuff that i need to be healed from.. even if i can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is.. i can feel the misplaced heaviness in my heart.. dull aches caused by... something i'm sure. and i think i'm learning that it might always be this way.. even if it's just because of the world we live in. maybe we are just a perpetually broken people who will constantly be in need of a healer until the day He comes for good...  

one night last week i was in the car trying to sort through some of the stuff that's been going through my head about my place in the church... crying to God to please just "fix my heart so you can use me.." and as i sat there feeling like a complete mess.. useless in the kingdom.. i felt like God said::.. "using you is not what i'm thinking about.. your heart is my priority." 

of course. somehow i forgot that God doesn't care about what I can do for him... He doesn't need me. He only wants me...... absolutely must tattoo that on my forehead. 

and it's funny because as i read back over this post... i'm thinking "haven't i blogged about this stuff before? like recently? didn't i already have some big.. awesome revelation about grace... God's love.. and yadda yadda?" but another thing i'm learning::.. i am not above falling for the enemy's tricks... which shouldn't be monumental news... but i give myself too much credit a lot of the time.. much to my surprise.. i am just a regular person who by the grace and power of God has been able to rise above circumstance and come to know truth.. but if i don't fight to hold onto the truth entitled to me....... i'll forget. and buy into a lie. and let it affect the way i live my life.. so capable of believing false things about myself.. and even about God sometimes... and i refuse to believe that i'm the only person who seems to have it all together that actually doesn't... none of us do.  leaders. followers. and everyone in between... we're all in need of a saviour. 

so anyway.. i'm letting the truth back in. and getting stronger everyday. just thought i'd tell you about it.... and be an overcomer by the blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony. 

peace :)

It's been a REALLY long time since i've blogged... but i have in no way decided to turn my back on the blogging world. i've just been super busy.. between work and leading worship and helping out with random things in the church here and there... plus the occasional concert and spending time with my beautiful friends.. there's been no time to update my blog.. so this isn't really going to suffice for the huge gap of time between the last time i posted and right now.. but it will have to do.. 

a quick bulleted list of the things i'm learning/thinking...

- being bad at something is a horrible reason not to do it.

- being behind the scenes instead of center stage is very rewarding.

- i'm learning more and more about just how perpetually broken i am.. and there is always something that God can heal in me.. i just have to constantly let my guard down so he can search me out.. and we cross those bridges when we find them. together.

- i want a kitten. but when it becomes a cat.. i want to trade it in for another kitten.

- Snuggle fabric softener is made from clouds and springtime.. no more wal-mart brand for me.

- i'm almost ready for fall.... ALMOST.

- i bought a tide-to-go pen yesterday.. should solve all of my problems on weekends where the worship team has to wear white.. 

- the atmosphere of New Life Church/ Real Life worship seems to be stirring and shifting a lot lately... which means God is doing a new thing.. and i like it :)

- my prayer lately has been that the most influential person in my life would be the Lord.. that He would be the only person who really has the ability to radically change who i am or what i'm doing.. 

the sunset yesterday...

peace. hope. green.

everybody on the real life worship team this week wore some form of green or black.. well   everybody except for ben in the stripes there... but he's so cool we let him be in the picture anyway.. and believe me when i say this was completely unplanned.. in all reality we couldn't have pulled something like that off if we'd been planning for weeks.. 

josh wore blue..... OH josh. 

we love God. we love each other. 

we sing. we dance. we laugh. we live... it's all worship :) 

faith...

i'm at the beach.. aaah. if you'll remember, i'm obsessed with waves and sunshine.. so it's safe to say that i'm as close to content as any person can be. this week has been SO wonderful so far.. because i've had plenty of time to slow down.. and think.. and spend time with God.. and just be with Him.. 

one of the things i love about God's heart for teaching his children is that he seems to always teach things in themes.. much like a teacher in school.. like we move from one chapter of learning his heart to the next.. and the theme right now is faith. I'll read something about it one day in one of my books.. and then later come across a verse about it that hasn't stood out to me before.. and then somebody else will bring up the topic of faith in a conversation so i'll have to recall what the Lord has been showing me.. and then when i tell my sister what i've been learning.. she says God's been showing her the exact same things.. so cool. So God. 

A couple of weeks ago we were praying for worship before a real life service, as we always do, and one of the guitarists on our team prayed something that has stuck with me.. and will probably always stick with me.. he was praying for the team and for each of our personal relationships with God.. on stage and off.. and he prayed that above anything else that we would desire intimacy with God.. more than protection, more than provision, more than anything the Lord can do.. that we would seek intimacy with him.. and i have latched onto that prayer.. it is so cool too, because i am seeing the fruit.. and feeling God change things within my heart... 

and as a result, my faith in Him is growing.. because being intimate with someone just means to know that person inside and out.. intimacy with God means being familiar with him.. being comfortable around him.. hearing his voice.. knowing his heart.. experiencing who He is in ways that engrave his personality onto the back of my hand... his ways are easy to recall.. easy to remember and trust.... and i feel like i should add that it hasn't even been difficult for me to experience Him in this way.. in the past i've set out to spend more time with God.. but i've done it in my own power.. through my own methods.. and i came up lacking.. this time i haven't had to strive..  i just invite the Lord along with me in my day.. and we discuss the things that make me laugh.. the things that make me nervous... my dreams.. my favorite songs... and it's amazing because this time i know his heart is to listen and respond.. he is not distant... he is closer than a brother..

so lately i've been learning that faith has nothing to do with sight.. and it doesn't have anything to do with feelings... even if everything we see stacks in our opposition.. and we can't feel the presence of God moving in our dreams... if we know God and know his heart... and know from experiencing his personality that he is the same yesterday, today and forever.. our belief in His faithfulness can not be moved... and that's what faith is:: our ability to believe in God's faithfulness.. and our ability to believe God comes from being familiar with his ways.. knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that 'faithful' is WHO he is. Faith is the response to knowing God. and having intimacy with Him.. 

In the past i have been very guilty of measuring God's faithfulness against the works i've seen him do.. and against the standards of this world.. but coming to know God's heart more and more has shown me that.. on this side of eternity.. we can't base our faith on what we see God doing.. but instead we must devote ourselves to memorizing His details.. and anchor our faith to who He is...  nothing inside of time is a guarantee.. so our expectations will likely not always line up with God's higher ways (Isa. 55:8-9).. So we must fix our eyes on Jesus as the only guarantee.. know him.. love him.. and believe him.. all the while viewing time through the lens of eternity... 

... eternity with him :)