oh don't mind me...

today i didnt feel like doing much... so i creeped you all on facebook.. that's right.. every single one of you........... and i'm not even ashamed.

books...

lately i've been bored with reading.. nothing seems to grab my attention and hold it until the end of the very last page.. i'll start something with good intentions of learning and applying new knowledge to my life.. but i put it down 30 pages in.. never to pick it up again.. which is weird.. because i love to read.. and usually, all i want to do in my spare time is sit in a coffee shop and underline thought-provoking quotes in the latest book i've picked up.. but it's been a LONG time since a book really grabbed me.

tonight i stood in front of the bookshelf in my room and asked god to point to a book.. maybe there was one that i'd put down without finishing that i should pick back up.. or one i'd read before that would be good to read a second time.. but as i stood there glancing thru the titles of the books lining my shelves.. i felt uninspired.. so i went into the living room with my bible. i didn't get very far past 2 Peter 1:3 before i got into a conversation with my lovely roommate katy who was so graciously listening to me sulk about how somewhere along the way, i've lost a certain level of intimacy with the Lord and the craving for him that i had about a year and a half ago.. i was talking about how i just feel so busy.. but like i'm not getting any where. i'm not really sure what to do about my dreams. and a lot of times.. i'm too complacent to pray about them..

so she started pouring into me (such a blessing to live with someone who will pour into you and encourage you to seek God's heart) and she put a book in my hands that i'm certain will stir something up inside of me.. because the topic of the book is chasing the Holy Spirit.. and breaking free of "cages" that lure us into living lives less adventurous than God intended... and after reading the first few pages.. i already don't want to put it down.. (i have to tho bc it's the book katy's reading right now and i have to give it back) but basically.. after a bit of reading.. i can already see how i've grown bored with my faith.. and how i've let my dreams grow stagnant. aanyway... tonight i'm asking God to give me dreams bigger than the ones i already have... passions stronger than the ones i have now.. it's likely that God will not cause my dreams and passions to veer very far from the ones i already have.. but how will i know if i'm on track if i'm not asking God to breath on them and cultivate them according to what HE wants for me. i might even already have a pretty good idea of what my dreams are.. but chances are.. God's idea of what they look like coming to fruition is different (and better) than my befuddled rendition of what will come to pass.. and most importantly... kingdom dreams arise from knowing God's spirit.. being familiar with His heartbeat.. and recognizing His voice... i refuse to be bored with my faith any longer.. obviously, based on God's very character.. there is more than what i've found thus far... there is always more. i can't wait to finish this book...

"We start dying when we have nothing worth living for. And we don't really start living until we find something worth dying for."-- Mark Batterson, Wild Goose Chase.

Maybe our truest passions are the only things (at least in my case) that can completely convince us to deny ourselves and live sacrificially... God show me what i'd be willing to die for.

re-reading...

ever read back over what you've written in your journal? i love to do that... i read the prayers i've written.. and the aches my heart that i poured out before the Lord.. and see how God has answered them. all. he meets every need.. answers every cry..

sometimes i find things i've written.. desperate pleas to God.. to not let me forget Him.. and the things i've come to know about Him... i've begged him to engrain who he is into my memory.. and cause me to remember His goodness and love.. and let that stir up a passion in me.. and it's cool because when i go back and read what i've written.. i remember the condition of my heart when i wrote that entry.. and God moves in me. again.

when I was in australia last month.. God woke me up eeaaarrrly.. (maybe a little too early.. haha) with a fresh vision for what he wants my ministry to look like... and i couldn't write it down fast enough.. and i hadn't read it again until tonight.. but re-reading it helped me to refocus.. and re-fix my eyes on my beautiful Jesus... my author and finisher... because we all know it's totally possible to become distracted from even the deepest desires of our hearts... and we need to be reminded that at the very core of who we are.. Jesus is our deepest desire.. when we don't allow him to hold that place in our lives.. all kinds of chaos and confusion can arise.. anyway, i'm well aware of how prone to wandering i am... so i'm constantly asking God to help me remember truth... anyway, i'll share:

"Lord God, you've woken me up this morning with a fresh desire to be ready. To be ready at any moment to encourage people with your Word and to declare truth over their lives. I do pray that you would seal that right now inside of my heart and inside of my will... that my primary ministry would arise from being ready to encourage people towards believing in you for things that seem impossible. God keep fresh words from your spirit on my lips and let them come forth from my heart.. from Christ in me. And Lord let what you do in and through me spread to everyone near me. Lord may I become used to this. May it become something normal in my life to be a light house of truth in dark places. Solidify this new thing in me. Oh Lord, thank you so much for a fresh passion.. please keep it alive.. and keep adding life to the fire... stir it up in me so much that if i don't share what you put in my heart with others i cannot even sleep. thank you for new dreams. fresh vision. and a renewed desire to know you intimately. Oh Lord, please hold these things in my heart. do not let me go back to sleep. I love you so much. Change me so that i might make an impact for you."

sometimes when i write to the Lord.. i can tell he's responding to me.. so i write down what he says.. this is what he said to me that morning:

---> "Oh my precious girl.. i've been waiting to wake you up with newness. you are such a light already. let me make you stronger. come to me with every weakness you have. i will lift you up. i will strengthen your heart. i will love you in such a way that it rocks the nations. let me surprise you. let me come through for you. let me have the chance to blow you away with my heart for you. wait on me, child. you won't have to wait much longer. i see your desires. they ache in my chest as well.. the time is coming when we will both be satisfied in regard to the cravings of your spirit. walk with me in love."

How beautiful is that? what a beautiful God.... i can't imagine loving anyone more... nobody else says beautiful things to me like that. he is absolutely my only real delight... and the only one who satisfies...

He is real.. He is alive.. He speaks.. He loves.. He listens.. He reminds..... He is always good.. and he never leaves... or changes his mind...

[resting]

... an australian sunset... because you needed to see it :)

mighty deliverer...

i wonder how many times a day... we are rescued. delivered from the hands of evil.. things that could have come to pass... don't because God intervenes on our behalf. the word of God says that Jesus is constantly interceding for us before the throne.. and that the Lord fights for us and all we have to do is be still... he watches over us. protects us.. keeps his hand on us.. i wonder.. what does God shield our eyes from.. what messes does he clean up that we don't even realize we've made.. does he tie up our loose ends before things fall apart on us... before things go awry... and before we need to be healed and redeemed.. and put back together again.. how often does he prevent our heartache..

i know sometimes we do fall subject to the brokenness of this world... we all have wounds that need healing.. and will probably all encounter more sharp objects hurled at us by the enemy for as long as we are here.. we come to know strife.. we are always needing to be healed.. and reconciled.. and purified.. and refined... the inadequacies of earth tend to leave grubby fingerprints on our righteousness... God doesn't keep his children in a plastic bubble.. but i believe he would if he thought he could get away with it and not tamper with our ability to choose his goodness over the evil we experience on a daily basis.. he is a good God.. he doesn't want us to hurt or cry... or lose our confidence.. and i'd be willing to bet that he does what he can to keep us from pain.. just like any parent.. except more intense.. because he's God of the universe.. and the author of love..

tonight i've been thinking about the idea of God working all things together for the good of those who love him... i love him. therefore.. he is working ALL things together for my good.. this is such a comforting verse to me.. because i'm realizing that when things happen that seem to be a disappointment.. or something i thought was going to happen... doesn't. "MY GOOD" is at the top of God's priority list.. and even though i can't see it yet.. there is more going on than meets the eye.. there's a war in the spirit realm that i can't see.. and my Jesus is taking hits for me... while i am unaware... considering the amount of destruction the enemy would like to do on my life... when i compare that.. to the consistent provision and comfort and love i experience on a daily basis.. i think it would suffice to say that God fights for us.. far more than we could begin to realize... he is FOR us.. he loves. us. and gives us grace.. peace.. rest.. salvation.. good gifts... hope.. a future... and allows us to know his goodness in the land of the living.. what a good.. good.. God... i want to know everything about him..

writing this blog to boost the thanksgiving in my heart... and squelch the efforts of the thief... this Joy is mine.. i'll be keeping it :)

please be a broken record for me...

God is shaping me.. changing me all the time.. carving who he designed me to be out of who i was.. and it's a never-ending process that i'm learning to love.. the more pride he manages to take from me.. the more painless the changing becomes.. and actually.. i'm learning that i change the most when i'm standing in His presence with my eyes on Him.. and not on myself.. that's when he can break things off of me that i couldn't let go of before.. the power of His spirit is the main catalyst for change in my life..

there are about a million things i could tell you that i learned at hillsong.. so many things that i get overwhelmed thinking about having to share them with everyone.. and eventually.. stories will emerge i'm sure.. but for now i can't manage to blog about anything other than the fact that God allured me with wild flowers to a place called Sydney, Australia.. and He met me there... and reminded me that He is wildly in love with me.. and that he is capable of giving me the moon.. and so much more.. and that it's okay to dream.. because dreams come true. and he reminded me that i have a purpose that only i can fulfill.. and that if i don't answer His call for my life.. no one else will.. i'm unique.. and irreplaceable.. and His main priority for my life is that i know him... inside and out.. from every angle... and the rest falls into place...

so upon returning to the states.. i've checked some of my priorities... and placed my king back in His rightful place.. and my heart is light again :)

until next time... love xoxo

more to come...

I haven't forgotten to post about Sydney... i just can't think straight yet.. but i'll leave you with this thought until i get around to processing my week on the other side of the world...

God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above and beyond anything we can hope or ask for... do you believe it?

suitcase...

tomorrow my lovely sister and i will be taking a little trip..

time to say something...

so.. i've been pretty silent lately as far as blogs are concerned.. i'd love to say that i have a good reason for not writing... but i don't. and it's strange because i truly love to write...  but i've been in this really weird state of mind lately where i don't feel like myself.. and i haven't felt like doing the things i love the most. like reading. and writing. and creating. so i definitely haven't been blogging. i haven't felt like i have anything to contribute... haven't wanted to share. ((learning about myself that i tend to be sort of closed off.. like a locked room in a tall tower [had to put a brooke lyric in there] :) .. im working on it tho))  honestly if i'm going to be real.. i've been in this really dry place spiritually.. not motivated to seek.. or grow.. which is really strange because i'm constantly immersed in a church that is MORE than alive with the spirit of God and consistent growth and creativity.. and even though all around me people seem to be thriving... i've felt consistently braindead..  and all i've been able to do is watch as the hand of God spurs on this amazing change in our church.. and wonder what is wrong with me because i'm not as excited as i should be. and i've felt ill-equipped to be in a leadership roll among such passionate leaders... i've felt like a bad Christian more in the past few weeks than i ever have. absolutely z e r o grace for myself...... what a shocker.

but the lord is at work in me.. faithful to stay with me even tho i haven't been fighting to be near him.  thru this period of time where i've felt like i'm in this really dry place.. God's been revealing to me that there are still some places in my heart that i haven't given to him for healing.. mainly because i don't realize they are there.. i'm super bad about ignoring things that aren't how i want them to be.. and blocking them out.. so i'm realizing that there's still a ton of stuff that i need to be healed from.. even if i can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is.. i can feel the misplaced heaviness in my heart.. dull aches caused by... something i'm sure. and i think i'm learning that it might always be this way.. even if it's just because of the world we live in. maybe we are just a perpetually broken people who will constantly be in need of a healer until the day He comes for good...  

one night last week i was in the car trying to sort through some of the stuff that's been going through my head about my place in the church... crying to God to please just "fix my heart so you can use me.." and as i sat there feeling like a complete mess.. useless in the kingdom.. i felt like God said::.. "using you is not what i'm thinking about.. your heart is my priority." 

of course. somehow i forgot that God doesn't care about what I can do for him... He doesn't need me. He only wants me...... absolutely must tattoo that on my forehead. 

and it's funny because as i read back over this post... i'm thinking "haven't i blogged about this stuff before? like recently? didn't i already have some big.. awesome revelation about grace... God's love.. and yadda yadda?" but another thing i'm learning::.. i am not above falling for the enemy's tricks... which shouldn't be monumental news... but i give myself too much credit a lot of the time.. much to my surprise.. i am just a regular person who by the grace and power of God has been able to rise above circumstance and come to know truth.. but if i don't fight to hold onto the truth entitled to me....... i'll forget. and buy into a lie. and let it affect the way i live my life.. so capable of believing false things about myself.. and even about God sometimes... and i refuse to believe that i'm the only person who seems to have it all together that actually doesn't... none of us do.  leaders. followers. and everyone in between... we're all in need of a saviour. 

so anyway.. i'm letting the truth back in. and getting stronger everyday. just thought i'd tell you about it.... and be an overcomer by the blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony. 

peace :)

It's been a REALLY long time since i've blogged... but i have in no way decided to turn my back on the blogging world. i've just been super busy.. between work and leading worship and helping out with random things in the church here and there... plus the occasional concert and spending time with my beautiful friends.. there's been no time to update my blog.. so this isn't really going to suffice for the huge gap of time between the last time i posted and right now.. but it will have to do.. 

a quick bulleted list of the things i'm learning/thinking...

- being bad at something is a horrible reason not to do it.

- being behind the scenes instead of center stage is very rewarding.

- i'm learning more and more about just how perpetually broken i am.. and there is always something that God can heal in me.. i just have to constantly let my guard down so he can search me out.. and we cross those bridges when we find them. together.

- i want a kitten. but when it becomes a cat.. i want to trade it in for another kitten.

- Snuggle fabric softener is made from clouds and springtime.. no more wal-mart brand for me.

- i'm almost ready for fall.... ALMOST.

- i bought a tide-to-go pen yesterday.. should solve all of my problems on weekends where the worship team has to wear white.. 

- the atmosphere of New Life Church/ Real Life worship seems to be stirring and shifting a lot lately... which means God is doing a new thing.. and i like it :)

- my prayer lately has been that the most influential person in my life would be the Lord.. that He would be the only person who really has the ability to radically change who i am or what i'm doing.. 

the sunset yesterday...

peace. hope. green.

everybody on the real life worship team this week wore some form of green or black.. well   everybody except for ben in the stripes there... but he's so cool we let him be in the picture anyway.. and believe me when i say this was completely unplanned.. in all reality we couldn't have pulled something like that off if we'd been planning for weeks.. 

josh wore blue..... OH josh. 

we love God. we love each other. 

we sing. we dance. we laugh. we live... it's all worship :) 

faith...

i'm at the beach.. aaah. if you'll remember, i'm obsessed with waves and sunshine.. so it's safe to say that i'm as close to content as any person can be. this week has been SO wonderful so far.. because i've had plenty of time to slow down.. and think.. and spend time with God.. and just be with Him.. 

one of the things i love about God's heart for teaching his children is that he seems to always teach things in themes.. much like a teacher in school.. like we move from one chapter of learning his heart to the next.. and the theme right now is faith. I'll read something about it one day in one of my books.. and then later come across a verse about it that hasn't stood out to me before.. and then somebody else will bring up the topic of faith in a conversation so i'll have to recall what the Lord has been showing me.. and then when i tell my sister what i've been learning.. she says God's been showing her the exact same things.. so cool. So God. 

A couple of weeks ago we were praying for worship before a real life service, as we always do, and one of the guitarists on our team prayed something that has stuck with me.. and will probably always stick with me.. he was praying for the team and for each of our personal relationships with God.. on stage and off.. and he prayed that above anything else that we would desire intimacy with God.. more than protection, more than provision, more than anything the Lord can do.. that we would seek intimacy with him.. and i have latched onto that prayer.. it is so cool too, because i am seeing the fruit.. and feeling God change things within my heart... 

and as a result, my faith in Him is growing.. because being intimate with someone just means to know that person inside and out.. intimacy with God means being familiar with him.. being comfortable around him.. hearing his voice.. knowing his heart.. experiencing who He is in ways that engrave his personality onto the back of my hand... his ways are easy to recall.. easy to remember and trust.... and i feel like i should add that it hasn't even been difficult for me to experience Him in this way.. in the past i've set out to spend more time with God.. but i've done it in my own power.. through my own methods.. and i came up lacking.. this time i haven't had to strive..  i just invite the Lord along with me in my day.. and we discuss the things that make me laugh.. the things that make me nervous... my dreams.. my favorite songs... and it's amazing because this time i know his heart is to listen and respond.. he is not distant... he is closer than a brother..

so lately i've been learning that faith has nothing to do with sight.. and it doesn't have anything to do with feelings... even if everything we see stacks in our opposition.. and we can't feel the presence of God moving in our dreams... if we know God and know his heart... and know from experiencing his personality that he is the same yesterday, today and forever.. our belief in His faithfulness can not be moved... and that's what faith is:: our ability to believe in God's faithfulness.. and our ability to believe God comes from being familiar with his ways.. knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that 'faithful' is WHO he is. Faith is the response to knowing God. and having intimacy with Him.. 

In the past i have been very guilty of measuring God's faithfulness against the works i've seen him do.. and against the standards of this world.. but coming to know God's heart more and more has shown me that.. on this side of eternity.. we can't base our faith on what we see God doing.. but instead we must devote ourselves to memorizing His details.. and anchor our faith to who He is...  nothing inside of time is a guarantee.. so our expectations will likely not always line up with God's higher ways (Isa. 55:8-9).. So we must fix our eyes on Jesus as the only guarantee.. know him.. love him.. and believe him.. all the while viewing time through the lens of eternity... 

... eternity with him :) 

a barrel of laughs...

today started out like any other day... but then in walks this little guy. 2 and a half feet of nothing but smiles and stories..  his name is tye and he's the grandson of one of the ladies who cleans our church.. and he was full of jokes.. and a big kris allen fan. we had a blast... if he wanted to visit all the time.. that would be alright :) 

in case you can't tell... he found photo booth fascinating.. and he was floored by the size of my sunglasses... 

slooow day.. a list of facts.. a series of thoughts.. and a mouse attack..

so this day is moving pretty slow.. i've taken care of most of my responsibilities for the day.. so... i'm just going to start listing thoughts.... 

-New Hills United album:: A_cross//The_earth =sheer brilliance.. can't wait to start doing some of the new songs in RL.. there will be some very powerful worship going on all over the earth thanks to the writers at hillsong.. glory to God. 

- In an attempt to be more responsible, i've started saving all my receipts when i buy stuff lately because i feel like that's what real adults are supposed to do.. but i don't really do anything with them besides tuck them inside of an envelope with all the other zillions of receipts... i feel like maybe i'm supposed to be doing something with them? like balancing my checkbook or something? but i don't do that... so i guess i'm only a quazi-real adult... working on it tho. one step at a time.. 

-I have recently taken up the hobby of gardening... never thought the lawn and garden section of wal-mart would seem like such a wonderland to me... but now i have to be careful about going in there.. i LOVE flowers.

- I fell asleep in the laundry room yesterday... i know that's weird. 

- I have a new favorite song. it's called see you soon... playradioplay. 

- I have to plan a big trip before october... i have a plane ticket to use.. maybe i'll visit lydia :) 

- I sang in a wedding on Sunday.. a song called 'so are you to me' by eastmountainsouth..  my beautiful friend Lauren got married to Seth.. it was lovely... i adore weddings.. especially my friend's weddings..  singing in them is a bonus.. 

- I plan on buying a better camera soon... memories are slipping by uncaptured... can't have that. 

- All of my friends from 247 graduated on Sunday and I'm so proud of them.. they are such catalysts for the next generation.. and it makes me better just to watch how they live their lives.. serving and loving.. whenever they can.. i aspire.. and on a positive.. i'll get to hang out with a lot of them quite a bit more often this summer.. some of them I won't see for a while.. 

-Katy's dad found a snake on our front porch last weekend.. and i'm not happy about it.. in fact... i might even have a bad attitude about the stupid snake... i hate anything that slithers.. creeps.. crawls... 

-had a run-in with a ferocious cockroach the other night in the bathroom when i was brushing my teeth.... i mean it was the size of a small pet.. and my weapon of choice? a shampoo bottle...   i'm pretty sure God is trying to prepare me for a future in missions by getting me used to being under the attack of vermin and rodents of every species... like the alien moth that tried to abduct me and my friends the other night... it was as big as a terradactyl. 

- I found a big brown spider crawling on one of my favorite shirts when i pulled it out of my closet on saturday.. post flip-0ut.. i went after it with one of my flipflops.. but the little trickster crawled into the pocket of my shirt.. so i had to kill it while it was inside the pocket and then dump it out. ick.. then, i wore the shirt. that spider is not the boss of me. 

-OMG.. would you believe a mouse just shot out from underneath my desk right in the middle of typing this blog and sent me screaming through the church for someone to help me... then two of NLC's manliest and most heroic pastors, mark pagley and tye hefner, tried to shoo him out of my desk with an umbrella and a guitar stand... this was a mighty effort.. but the mouse was so afraid of them that it wouldn't come out. so now the mouse is occupying my desk.. i have relocated::.. and will remain so until that mouse is toast.. (sick) 

katy.. i'm glad you're home

this is one of my best friends katy... we live together now.. and i love her like a blood relative.. she's the kind of person you just want to be around... we shared a room in college for an entire year and never even exchanged a cross look.. let alone a sarcastic remark or even a frustrated comment.. i wonder if two roommates have ever gotten along as swimmingly.. and when i say we shared a room.. i mean we had bunkbeds.. she had the top... i had the bottem..we were in school housing on academic scholarships... so while bunkbeds are in no way form or fashion.. an acceptable sleeping arrangement for anyone over the age of 11.. at least the bunkbed was free.. any way... i love her to death and couldn't be more stoked that we are living together again... 

since we moved in at the beginning of the month.. we haven't gotten to hang out that much... . both of our lives have actually been pretty non-stop lately... and with all the kris allen shenanigans that have been so extraordinarily monopolizing our tuesday and wednesday nights (congrats kris!).. we really haven't been able to spend much time together...  but today.. for the first time in a while it feels like our lives might actually coincide a little bit more often.. this afternoon she came home and i just happened to be home too... so we got to hang out...  and we just laid in her room and talked for hours... about God and what's going on in our hearts.. and maybe we cried a little.. it was like the deepest possible breath of fresh air.. in and out... 

i love you katy... i've missed you.. 

function..

lately i've been thinking about and talking to God a lot about the purpose for which he created me.. why am i in this earth? what is my function? which part of the body am i? when i dream about my future in ministry.. i dream about worship.. i feel at home when i'm up there singing to God.. so when i dream.. i dream about spending all my time leading multitudes of free sons and daughters with one heart and one mind.. to the throne room of the most high.. in every nation..  

i currently get to lead worship every week.. sometimes several times a week.. which works out great because that is my favorite way to serve.. i feel like i was made to sing to God.. and teach others how to do the same.. the Lord has set me free... and i want to see everyone else set free as well.. but right now.. as i'm getting settled into my administrative job at new life.. i'm learning more and more that sometimes God asks us to do things that we're not good at... and God didn't necessarily design me to do the sort of tasks that i do day in and day out... now, he has most certainly made me capable of doing them.. but as time goes on and i spend my days behind this desk.. i realize that i am not designed for this sort of work... it's like using a pearl necklace as a bookmark.. or playing tennis with a ping-pong paddle.. it is functional.. it might even get the job done.. but the pearl necklace and the ping pong paddle were intended for something else... they function better in a different setting.. (maybe these weren't the best analogies.. but i was coming up short)

I am not at all posting this blog to complain.. in fact, let me just take a minute to praise God for the opportunity of working at New Life.. i absolutely love working for this church.. i always want to work in the house of the lord... no question there.. with that said.. the Lord is really challenging me with this job.. before i took on my position with new life.. i would have described myself as the least administrative person on planet earth.. my brain works in a sporadic series of colors, pictures, and song lyrics.... and this job requires my brain to think in terms of lists, spreadsheets, contact information, and mass emails... needless to say, i mess up a lot..  and it taxes every ounce of brain power that i can come up with to stay focused on the things i do throughout the day.. because my brain just doesn't work that way... 

but God is faithful.. and he uses the people around me to encourage me to know that God has trusted me with this job for a reason.. and He believes I can do it.. even though i'm not the most administrative person.. that doesn't mean i can't learn how to be.. we are all capable of learning to do things we couldn't do before.. and a very wise person with a brain similar to mine once told me that even creative people need to learn to be organized and administrative... it makes for a very efficient and effective creative mind... one of the best kinds of minds :) 

so it turns out that the difficult parts of this job are simply making me better.. i love that. and when the tasks seem menial and mundane.. i can just know that i am working for the Lord.. and not for men... and one day.. in the right timing.. the Lord will trust me with the purpose he had in mind when he crafted me together with my strengths and weaknesses... until then.. i will work at whatever i do with all my heart.. 

Colossians 3:23-24

"whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.."

trusting always.. 

 

blame it on this southern weather...

 

it looks like rain again today... and i wonder if it will ever stop. not that i don't like rain... i like it a lot actually... but usually because of the sound it makes on the roof... and the way it looks as it collides with the window panes.. and for the simple reason that rain usually requires that you stay inside relax.... read a good book, watch movies.. s-l-e-e-p... and all those things are wonderful... but as much as i love all that stuff.. i think i've had my fill for now.. i'm ready to go outside (without messing up my shoes i muddy puddles)... the backyard of my new house has been calling my name ever since we moved in almost 2 weeks ago... but i need a canoe to get out to the back fence.. and why do i want to venture to the back fence?? because that 's where the tire swings are.. and i don't have a canoe.. bummer. so until the sun shows any signs of sticking around long enough to dry up all the rain... we will just have to stick to enjoying the parts of the house that are functional, rain or shine. like the front porch.. 

and friends, let me just say... that the front porch almost makes up for the fact that the weather has been so unbearably monotonous lately.. it is probably my favorite feature of the house.. it makes me completely and perfectly and incandescently happy..  if my car is parked out front, i promise that you can either find me in my room or on the front porch swing... i love that thing.. a couple of nights ago we had people over for one of the first times since we moved in.. it was quite picturesque... we pulled every chair in the house out to the front porch and all sat around the porch swing... telling stories and laughing non-stop.. actually, we did that in just about every room in the house.. but we got started on the porch :) ... and later on we had iced sweet tea in mason jars (complete with homegrown mint leaves from the front flower bed).. so cute :) it was a good start to the many, many good times we will have on oliver street this summer.. so stay tuned...  as soon as it stops raining... i'll tell you about the badminton tournament in the back yard.. and the  BBQ on the back deck.. and the smores around the fire pit.. and the outdoor dancing... and the fireflies ... 

some pictures from that night...

 

the newly engaged rachel and seth.... :)

playing and singing... 

i did a little reading on the side of my starbucks cup...

The Way I See It #141

"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then i realized you just say, "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And the possibility is worth that one word."

--Augusten Burroughs

kangaroo journal...

last night was my first night in the house on oliver street... i finally got my furniture arranged how i like it all my picture frames in place and the curtains up... the place starting to look more like me... and feel less like an empty house.. eventually i'll stop referring to it as the house on oliver street and start actually calling it home... not for awhile though.. eventually.. but i do love it there... it's quite a charming little house.. it's definitely got something :) 

as i was getting ready for work this morning... in my new bedroom.. sitting at my same dresser mirror.. putting on my same make up and fixing my hair the same way i always do..  i felt different..  it seems like sometimes, I can just tell the atmosphere has shifted.. something has changed.. even if only ever-so-slightly... the page has been turned and i am not the same person i was, even yesterday.. i have found a new beginning.. which is convenient because i just used the last page of my journal.. time for a new one! (i love getting new journals..) 

a while back.. one of my bf's becca gave me a journal with a kangaroo on it... it's completely cute..  it was an early going away present for australia.. i have had it sitting on my dresser since she gave it to me.. even after australia fell through the cracks for january... i left it there so i wouldn't forget about australia... and so i wouldn't forget to think outside the box.. i promised myself i would write in it the day my feet met the australian soil... but recently i wondered if i shouldn't go ahead and use the journal.. after all, i need a new one... and that one is just sitting there collecting dust.. so friday when i was moving into the new house.. becca was sitting in my room while i sifted through the boxes of my life... i asked her what she thought.. should i use the journal now? or wait and see if i ever go to australia?? 

she picked it up and opened the cover... i had completely forgotten about the note she'd written me inside on the first few pages... she sat on my bed and silently read the note she'd written... and followed by saying.. 'you should definitely wait... and you should definitely re-read the note inside...' i said okay and kept unpacking...

yesterday before elevation... i was reading my bible on my bed and found something that i wanted to journal about... so i went for the kangaroo journal to see if i wanted to use it... i opened the cover and read the note inside.. as i sat there and read what she'd written so many months ago... huge tears began to well up in my eyes... it wasn't because she'd written about australia.. and i was sad that i didn't get to go.. in fact, she barely mentioned australia.. she mainly talked about how much of a dreamer i am.. and about how God loves that about me.. He made me to be the kind of daughter who believes in Him for big things... and dreams the dreams of His kingdom... and as i sat there reading.. i felt like i'd forgotten how to be that person.. and my chest began to ache.. it was the strangest thing.. literal heart-ache.. i felt like i had let the part of my heart that only knows how to dream.. completely shut itself off in fear of not seeing it's endeavors come to fruition.. i think the jolt from not getting to go to australia caused me to put up some walls.... and ignore a major part of who i am.. reading that note from becca reminded me that that part of me was even there... and not only was it there.. but it was neglected and suffocating... and i didn't even realize.

so i've decided to wait... and not use the kangaroo journal until... later.  i still believe that God is faithful... so i'm not sure what dreams coming true looks like... but i know i'll find out.. because "i am still confident of this: i will see the goodness of my lord in the land of the living.." ps 27:13 ...And until then.. I'm going to dream again.. and use the part of my heart that aches... i'm no good if i'm not using all of my heart.. 

a panoramic memory..

this post will probably bore you to death... lo ciento amigos. it's just a quick snapshot of the room i grew up in before i move out of my parent's house.. you know. spread my wings. learn to fly.. etc. 

enough.

grace.. it is available to all of us. we do not have to be perfect because God's grace is sufficient in us.. there is not one thing on God's green earth that i could do to earn God's love and approval.. and there is not one thing i could do to ever lose it. i have it. period. he loves me exactly how i am right now. and even though this is a truth that i can spout off in my sleep... i usually feel like i'm not enough.. like in need to strive. try harder to be better. i feel like i'm not healthy enough or smart enough. or wise enough. or i don't love people enough. or i don't use my time efficiently enough trying to become more of the things i just mentioned. and here is the one that has been really getting me lately.. i don't feel like i'm focused enough.. i feel like i have spiritual A.D.D. or something... i know that God is the only thing i need to be concerned with.. so why am i so concerned with EVERYTHING else.. my brain so easily veers off onto other mental tangents that have nothing to do with seeking God with my whole heart.. and i feel distracted.. and i feel ineffective.. and i get so down on myself about it.. because i feel like my inability to focus is such a weakness... and while that is true. it is a weakness.. the Lord showed me today that i don't give myself the same grace that he gives me so freely... 

i was sitting in church today and we are in a series called ransom.. it's all about the grace of God... as i was sitting there listening to darren preach about the grace God has for us.. i began to think like this (writing in my journal): yeah, sure God has grace for me.. and when i feel like i'm doing well in my walk with God, i readily accept it.. but when i'm not focused and i can't seem to love Him the way he deserves.. it doesn't matter if God has grace for me.. because i can't feel it... and i'm lacking peace and rest... so here is what i gather... i wonder if the battle is not against figuring out how to accept God's grace, but against figuring out how to have grace for myself.. God accepts me even though i'm not enough.. so why can't i accept myself for not being enough... i think that the concept of grace from God is an easier one to grasp than the concept of having grace for myself.. because of course God has grace for me.. he's God.. he has the capacity to love me me unconditionally.. I, on the other hand, do not have the capacity to love myself unconditionally.. consequently... i feel like i'm not enough.. most of the time.. (i think this can be pretty common in everyone.. girls especially.. the whole "i'm not enough" problem.. and for the record.. i do believe this idea comes from our adversary.. he thinks he's so clever)

i know for a fact that i don't have to EARN my place in the arms of my jesus... but a lot of the time it's like that doesn't matter to me bc i have certain standards that i have to meet in order to earn my own approval... i know the truth.. i know the lord is standing there with open arms saying 'come to me you weary one.. approach my throne of grace with confidence.. i have given you weaknesses so that you would need me.. i want you to come to me' .. i'm the one who says 'nope i've got to get my act together over here... i know you have grace for me but i'm not going to take it because in my opinion... i don't love you enough so i don't deserve your rest.. i can't even stay focused on you these days.. why would you want to give me grace? i'm not coming to you right now.. no-sir-re-bob.. so what i'm going to do is stay over here and try harder not to be so weak.. beat myself up over the fact that i can't stay focused.. check twitter a few more times.. go for a run... and then maybe try to read my bible... and pray for awhile.. and then when i feel like i've done enough.. i might accept your grace.. but not until i've earned it."  

today the lord showed me that that mindset is a huge hinderance to me.. because it is such a prideful one.. when we are hard on ourselves like that.. and we don't have any grace for ourselves... we are fastening ourselves to a self-righteous guilt that God only wants to relieve us from.. after all... when we lay our weaknesses at the feet of Jesus... he makes himself strong inside of us.. and then his spirit propels us forward and helps us improve in the areas we were trying to improve on our own... 2 timothy 1:7 says that God is the one who gives us a spirit of self-discipline.. we can't come up with it on our own.. so we might as well bring our feeble and un-focused minds to him.. and let him do the work.. 

i cant do anything without the holy spirit.. i need him to even know that i need him... if i didn't i wouldn't forget over and over again that it's okay to be weak.. i wonder if that makes sense.. anyway..  the word of God says that i should approach the throne of grace [the throne of freely given and unmerited love] with confidence.. i can have confidence in my weaknesses.. because if i wasn't weak.. i wouldn't be coming to the throne of God for grace... who needs unmerited love if you're not weak? God has a purpose for even our weaknesses..  so instead of being hard on myself for not being enough... i will boast about it.. i'm not enough! im not. im never going to be enough.. i can't believe i ever.. even if only in my subconscious.. thought i could be enough.. of course i'm not..... but Christ in me will always be enough... always. so instead of striving for the unattainable .. i pray that i strive for him..  Christ is my only goal.. he's the prize.. :) 

african zebras and oliver street...

Hello all... this post will be brief, yet monumental. the first order of business i must attend to is that i want to welcome my friends in 247 back from changing the world in africa.. i've heard that there were something like 7,000 salvations won for the kingdom on that trip via the world changing 247missions teams... and all i can say about that is w.o.w... its amazing what can be done in one month through willing laborers... all that hard work in preparation more than paid off... so blessing and honor and glory to the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY... precious lives in africa have been forever changed in the name of Jesus :) and it is so good to have all of you back home.. you were dearly missed..

now, another important order of business.. i want to introduce to you the wood carved zebra that audra brought back for me from Africa.. i have been wanting a wood-carved african zebra ever since my sister brought me home a wood-carved african giraffe last summer.. (idk why the giraffe made me want a zebra..) anyway now i have one! thankyou SO MUCH audra.. i love him so much i gave him a pearl necklace.. still trying to decide what to name him..  hmm... 

And last, but MOST CERTAINLY not least... the picture below features the house i will be moving into with my two good friends katy and erika... in (count them) 2 WEEKS!!! I am so excited i can hardly stand it.. i have ALWAYS wanted to live in a cute little old house just like this one (it was built in 1937!).. and now i'm going to.. and it's my very first house! (i'm moving out of my parent's house for the first time aside from campus housing at UCA.. they'll be empty nesters so if you see them give them a big hug and tell them it's going to be okay)..  basically what i'm saying is... we have a front porch swing (perfect for rainy days) and a back deck (complete with a fire-pit hand crafted by our landlord cory cangelosi) and not one, but 2 tire swings... a plum tree, and blackberries that grow along the back fence... what does all this mean??? it means the most perfect summer ever.. come over whenever you want.. we will invite you in for a big glass of sweet tea.. and the kitchen is perfect for dancing :)

our little house on Oliver street... home sweet home :)

Joseph and Effie...

I went for my usual run today in the grave yard across the highway from where my parents live.. and before you think i'm weird and creepy, i'll say that running in a cemetary is not as strange as it sounds.. it's actually a beautiful place if you can get past the fact that there are hundreds of deceased people resting in peace just beneath the surface of the ground... and since that obviosly doesn't bother me.. i run there often. i love all the old trees and the colors of the flowers that paint the field of gravestones and all the white statues of angels.. there are cows grazing the grasses of the field just over the barbed wire fence on the other side of the cemetary.. and there is a little old white church across the highway from the graveyard that has probably been there for at least a hundred years.. it really is a lovely place.. i like running there.. plus i like the fact that i know one time around is a half mile so it's easy to keep up with how much i've run...

today when i finished up my last mile, i decided to take a look at some of the graves near the front of the cemetary.. because the ones near the front are the oldest.. and i came across the joint grave stone of Joesph and Effie McNutt.. the center of the old grey stone read "together forever".. and i thought to myself.. what a beautiful idea.. this couple was buried together here beneath this old oak tree.." Then I looked closer at the dates listed on the stone.. He was born in 1872 and he died in 1933... and she was born in 1873 and died in 1976.. so she lived without him for 40 something years.. and that is such a long time to be without the man you married... and the thought of that made me sad.. I wondered what her life must have been like after he was gone.. and the challenges she must have faced.. Effie endured 40 years as a widow until she herself passed as well and was laid to rest next to her joseph beneath the oak tree...

i know this post has been sappy and sentimental.. but seeing that gravestone caught my heart off guard.. i think the reason i think this is so sad is because one of my very favorite things to see is elderly couples who still love each other after all the years gone by... you've seen them.. they're the ones holding hands in wal-mart.. and the ones who sit really close to each other on the park bench at the walking trail.. they have lived their lives together and grown old together side by side.. it's beautiful.. so i really dislike the idea of someone having to grow old alone..  but still, it was a sight to behold, seeing their names together on the stone... Joseph and Effie.. beneath the script "together forever" 

shel silverstein....

when i was a little girl i would sit for hours and throw my head back laughing at shel silverstein poems... i love them still... i think it's because they are so reflective of the magic inside of a child's imagination... so today i've been reading some of my favorites online... i'll share :)

“If you are a dreamer, come in. If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hoper, a prayer, a magic-bean-buyer. If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, for we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in!”

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”

Where The Sidewalk Ends...

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

some good advice from paul..

"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care --then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand...

Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light-giving Message into the night..."

Philippians 2:1-4, 14

surprise...

My mom just walked into my room with these little puppies.. that's right. they're push-up bars.. she picked them up at the store today..  watch out world.. i'm about to be SO FINE.. 

just call me predictable patty..

that's right.. i filled this thing out... even though i had good intentions of NOT filling it out because my girl cec said i would... not to mention it's a mile long.. o well.. 

Callie-ology

What is your salad dressing of choice?

rasberry vinaigrette or balsamic vinaigrette... and if those aren't available.. i go for whichever one has the least calories.. who wants a to eat a salad coated with a zillion calories?? not this girl. 

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?

hmmm... sit-down restaurant? are there 'stand-up' restaurants? my fav would probably be any seafood restaurant located on the beach... i'll have the grilled tilapia with a side of steamed veggies..  and i'll be wearing a sundress.. and after i want to go for icecream... :)

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?

i eat special K with yogurt and berries every morning... and it never gets old... unless there is no vanilla soy milk in the fridge.. in which case that stuff tastes like shredded cardboard... 

What are your pizza toppings of choice.

some combination of vegetables usually... or spinach and chicken.  

TECHNOLOGY

How many televisions are in your house?

hmm.. let me count them 1,2,3,4... there are 4. but ask me how many of them i watch... that would be a big z.e.r.o. unless you count american idol (go kris allen!)... but  i usually watch that with a bunch of my friends in town.. (did i mention that i live out of town.. i do)

What color cell phone do you have?

pink... 

BIOLOGY

Are you right-handed or left-handed?

right.. 

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?

about a quarter-inch of the bone from my right forearm... it's a long story, but i have a killer scar from the whole ordeal... 

What is the last heavy item you lifted?

two enormous decorative vases.. we used them to decorate for an event in the NLC foyer... i carried them back to their home in the hallway.. (they probably aren't heavy to normal people, but i am a bit of a weakling when it comes to lifting things..)

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?

no but i passed out once when i gave blood... don't ever give blood, people.. it ruins your life.. unless of course you have one of those rare blood types and you're the only person on the planet that can save a dying child's life.. in which case.. why are you sitting here reading blogs?  get your butt to the hospital and give blood... but eat a cookie first.. or you will pass out cold.. which is embarrassing.. take my word.. 

BULLCRAPOLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

my initial reaction is no... but have you ever seen the movie big fish?? it makes a great point.. if you know the day you're going to die.. you can take part in as many reckless activities as you want between now and then, and know you will live through them all.. right up until that fateful day.. like smuggling bibles into the most dangerous, Godless parts of the world and such... 

If you could change your name what would you change it to?

hmm.. well, i definitely would never change my first or middle name.. i love the name callie alise.. and since my last name will be changing at some point.. i don't have any specifications other than that it must be an upgrade from my current last name.. i rather like being a Bezet.. so  hopefully my new name will be just as wonderful.. and i'm sure it will be.. 

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?

one thousand dollars?  absolutely.. hot sauce comes in small bottles.. and i'm super tough. 

DUMBOLOGY

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?

one zillion x's π ... i really need to get rid of a lot of them... anybody need some flip flops?

Last time you had a run in with the cops?

a run in? i saw some cops at the gas station the other night?

Last person you talked to?

Chros O, Josh Hoover, Mel Amrine... i don't remember who was last...  

Last person you hugged?

My dad.. he gets a hug everyday before i leave for work :)

FAVORITOLOGY

Season?

Usually whatever season is taking place at the time...  but ultimately it is SPRING.. because of all the flowers and it just feels like a new beginning...summer is great too because i am obsessed with the beach and laying out.. and fall is probably the most beautiful idea God ever had...  really i like all the seasons that allow me to be outside without freezing to death... so i will take this opportunity to say that winter ruins my life every year starting January 2.. (i love cold weather during the holidays.. but the day they're over.. it's time for spring.. but i think i'd LOVE winter if i lived in colorodo) 

Holiday?

arbor day.. i love trees :)  okay, really it's christmas.. but that's not very original is it.. i also love halloween, don't judge me. 

Day of the week?

FRIDAY!! 

Month?

hmmm... i do have a favorite month.  it's april. 

CURRENTOLOGY

Missing someone?

Lydia.. and all my world-changing friends in 247.. 

Mood?

sleepy.. but i'm about to fix that with a run.. i do love endorphins.. 

What are you listening to?

hillsong... go figure. 

Watching?

nothing.... but i have good intentions of watching pride and prejudice tonight :) my mother rented it last week and i want to watch it before it goes back... 

Worrying about?

"who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?"

DEPENDS-OLOGY

Do you always answer your phone?

i've gotten better... but no.. usually never.

It's four in the morning and you get a text message. Who is it?

nobody in their right mind...  text at 4am if you want to encounter the worst possible version of callie bezet... 

If you could change your eye color what would it be?

well.. my eyes change colors on their own... from green to hazel.. and sometimes they look brown.. so the answer to this one is that i wouldn't... because i would look crazy with blue eyes and all the other colors are already available to me.. 

What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?

nothing... i want sweet tea... carbonated drinks will kill you slowly.. unless you are at a movie.. then you can get a diet coke and you will be fine. 

Do you own a digital camera?

yes. but it goes through batteries like they're goin outta style.. so everytime i go to use it.. the batteries are dead... it's sad really... so many uncaptured memories.. *sigh*

Have you ever had a pet fish?

um.. not of my very own... i don't want one.. you can't hold a fish... might as well have a plant. 

What's on  your birthday wish list?

umm... i don't really have a b-day wish list.. but if we can pretend for a minute.. i really need a new ipod.. i have a nano from 3 years ago and it only fits 1000 songs.. which stinks.. ipod nanos are for the birds... 

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?

excited! the best is yet to come!

Do you have any saved texts?

no.. out with the old.. in with the new :)

Ever been in a car wreck?

a couple of fender benders... but nothing serious praise God.. 

Do you have an accent?

well.. i don't usually think so.. not until i listen to a recording of myself speaking.. and then the answer is YES.. bad. but when i travel i usually get asked if i'm from texas.. the answer is no. i've been to texas like twice.  I'm an arkansas girl.. born and raised... 

What is the last song to make you cry?

i haven't cried because of a song recently... 

Plans tonight?

yes.. i have a list (apparently i'm a list maker):

go for a run (it's a beautiful day)

spend time with my Jesus (yes, i put that on my list even tho it's a given)

clean the bathroom... maybe even some laundry...  

maybe coffee break to see some friends..

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

hmm... yeah i think so.. it was right before the Lord healed my life... i'll never forget what life was like before grace and freedom... 

Name 3 things you bought yesterday?

umm.. i split a pizza with becca.. that count? i get paid in 2 weeks... praise the LORD.. 

Have you ever been given roses?

yes but i'd rather get daffodils or tulips... or daisies.. or a bouquet of sharpened pencils :) 

Current hate right now?

on a more serious note... i hate seeing perfectly beautiful daughters of God struggle with insecurity and self doubt.. drives me nuts. 

Met someone who changed your life?

of course.. especially recently.. 

What song represents you?

hmmm...... 

Name three people who might complete this:

i don't think anyone else will... the people prone to do this kind of thing have already done it :)

Would you go back in time if given a chance?

i like this question... the answer is yes... on one condition.. i would want to be able to keep all the wisdom i've gained thus far in life... and then i'd probably do it all again... but if i had to go back and do it all again without knowing what i know now.. the answer would be no. 

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?

yes.. 

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?

all signs point to.... i have no idea... 

Would you be a pirate?

would i be one? YES... i already am one.. but not the kind that sails the 7 seas with an eyepatch and a peg leg... i'm what you might call a pirate of music... music piracy isn't stealing.. it's sharing .. and sharing is caring :)

What songs do you sing in the shower?

haha.. everything.. i do my best singing in the shower.. albeit embarrassingly loud... as my family likes to inform me when i get out...  i sing whatever is stuck in my head... there's ALWAYS a song stuck in my head.. most recent shower song: 'day is dimming' by Brooke Fraser. 

Ever had someone sing to you?

dear future husband somewhere out there... this question is dedicated to you.. 

When did you last cry?

umm.. i don't usually cry often..  but last night i got teary eyed at something that is happening currently in Aurora's life... also, last week  i cried at the movie 'he's just not that in to you..' i must have been having a super emotional day that day.. or something. 

Do you like to cuddle?

yes... but i think this is a dumb question.. 

Have you held hands with anyone today?

um. no.

Who was the last person you took a picture of?

ummm.... probably myself.. i was playing with photo booth on my mac.. that never gets old to me.. i still laugh at every crazy-looking picture... everytime. 

What kind of music did you listen to in Elementary school?

things like phil collins, wilson phillips, garth brooks, whitney houstin, brooks&dunn, hanson, mariah carey, boyz II men, etc... i was awesome. 

Do you believe in staying close with your ex's?

umm... i never have.. and i don't think it's a good idea.. not fair to your future husby or wifey... 

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?

most of my closest friends i've come to know over the past 4 years... is that new or old? 

Do you like pulpy orange juice?

ew... no way jose... 

What is something your friends make fun of you for?

hmm..... my friends don't really make fun of me... maybe my lame dance moves?

What is something you're saving your money up for right now?

i need new speakers in my car.. mine are busted.. i also need new running shoes... mine are almost shot. 

When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?

iiii... don't remember. but i had a banana w/ peanut butter about 30 minutes ago. 

What were you doing at 12 am last night?

reading... no.. maybe playing my piano... idk which it was but i did both before i went to sleep at around 1:30

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?

i don't remember... yes i do.. i'm just not going to tell you (i'm so mysterious)..