kangaroo journal...

last night was my first night in the house on oliver street... i finally got my furniture arranged how i like it all my picture frames in place and the curtains up... the place starting to look more like me... and feel less like an empty house.. eventually i'll stop referring to it as the house on oliver street and start actually calling it home... not for awhile though.. eventually.. but i do love it there... it's quite a charming little house.. it's definitely got something :) 

as i was getting ready for work this morning... in my new bedroom.. sitting at my same dresser mirror.. putting on my same make up and fixing my hair the same way i always do..  i felt different..  it seems like sometimes, I can just tell the atmosphere has shifted.. something has changed.. even if only ever-so-slightly... the page has been turned and i am not the same person i was, even yesterday.. i have found a new beginning.. which is convenient because i just used the last page of my journal.. time for a new one! (i love getting new journals..) 

a while back.. one of my bf's becca gave me a journal with a kangaroo on it... it's completely cute..  it was an early going away present for australia.. i have had it sitting on my dresser since she gave it to me.. even after australia fell through the cracks for january... i left it there so i wouldn't forget about australia... and so i wouldn't forget to think outside the box.. i promised myself i would write in it the day my feet met the australian soil... but recently i wondered if i shouldn't go ahead and use the journal.. after all, i need a new one... and that one is just sitting there collecting dust.. so friday when i was moving into the new house.. becca was sitting in my room while i sifted through the boxes of my life... i asked her what she thought.. should i use the journal now? or wait and see if i ever go to australia?? 

she picked it up and opened the cover... i had completely forgotten about the note she'd written me inside on the first few pages... she sat on my bed and silently read the note she'd written... and followed by saying.. 'you should definitely wait... and you should definitely re-read the note inside...' i said okay and kept unpacking...

yesterday before elevation... i was reading my bible on my bed and found something that i wanted to journal about... so i went for the kangaroo journal to see if i wanted to use it... i opened the cover and read the note inside.. as i sat there and read what she'd written so many months ago... huge tears began to well up in my eyes... it wasn't because she'd written about australia.. and i was sad that i didn't get to go.. in fact, she barely mentioned australia.. she mainly talked about how much of a dreamer i am.. and about how God loves that about me.. He made me to be the kind of daughter who believes in Him for big things... and dreams the dreams of His kingdom... and as i sat there reading.. i felt like i'd forgotten how to be that person.. and my chest began to ache.. it was the strangest thing.. literal heart-ache.. i felt like i had let the part of my heart that only knows how to dream.. completely shut itself off in fear of not seeing it's endeavors come to fruition.. i think the jolt from not getting to go to australia caused me to put up some walls.... and ignore a major part of who i am.. reading that note from becca reminded me that that part of me was even there... and not only was it there.. but it was neglected and suffocating... and i didn't even realize.

so i've decided to wait... and not use the kangaroo journal until... later.  i still believe that God is faithful... so i'm not sure what dreams coming true looks like... but i know i'll find out.. because "i am still confident of this: i will see the goodness of my lord in the land of the living.." ps 27:13 ...And until then.. I'm going to dream again.. and use the part of my heart that aches... i'm no good if i'm not using all of my heart..