enough.

grace.. it is available to all of us. we do not have to be perfect because God's grace is sufficient in us.. there is not one thing on God's green earth that i could do to earn God's love and approval.. and there is not one thing i could do to ever lose it. i have it. period. he loves me exactly how i am right now. and even though this is a truth that i can spout off in my sleep... i usually feel like i'm not enough.. like in need to strive. try harder to be better. i feel like i'm not healthy enough or smart enough. or wise enough. or i don't love people enough. or i don't use my time efficiently enough trying to become more of the things i just mentioned. and here is the one that has been really getting me lately.. i don't feel like i'm focused enough.. i feel like i have spiritual A.D.D. or something... i know that God is the only thing i need to be concerned with.. so why am i so concerned with EVERYTHING else.. my brain so easily veers off onto other mental tangents that have nothing to do with seeking God with my whole heart.. and i feel distracted.. and i feel ineffective.. and i get so down on myself about it.. because i feel like my inability to focus is such a weakness... and while that is true. it is a weakness.. the Lord showed me today that i don't give myself the same grace that he gives me so freely... 

i was sitting in church today and we are in a series called ransom.. it's all about the grace of God... as i was sitting there listening to darren preach about the grace God has for us.. i began to think like this (writing in my journal): yeah, sure God has grace for me.. and when i feel like i'm doing well in my walk with God, i readily accept it.. but when i'm not focused and i can't seem to love Him the way he deserves.. it doesn't matter if God has grace for me.. because i can't feel it... and i'm lacking peace and rest... so here is what i gather... i wonder if the battle is not against figuring out how to accept God's grace, but against figuring out how to have grace for myself.. God accepts me even though i'm not enough.. so why can't i accept myself for not being enough... i think that the concept of grace from God is an easier one to grasp than the concept of having grace for myself.. because of course God has grace for me.. he's God.. he has the capacity to love me me unconditionally.. I, on the other hand, do not have the capacity to love myself unconditionally.. consequently... i feel like i'm not enough.. most of the time.. (i think this can be pretty common in everyone.. girls especially.. the whole "i'm not enough" problem.. and for the record.. i do believe this idea comes from our adversary.. he thinks he's so clever)

i know for a fact that i don't have to EARN my place in the arms of my jesus... but a lot of the time it's like that doesn't matter to me bc i have certain standards that i have to meet in order to earn my own approval... i know the truth.. i know the lord is standing there with open arms saying 'come to me you weary one.. approach my throne of grace with confidence.. i have given you weaknesses so that you would need me.. i want you to come to me' .. i'm the one who says 'nope i've got to get my act together over here... i know you have grace for me but i'm not going to take it because in my opinion... i don't love you enough so i don't deserve your rest.. i can't even stay focused on you these days.. why would you want to give me grace? i'm not coming to you right now.. no-sir-re-bob.. so what i'm going to do is stay over here and try harder not to be so weak.. beat myself up over the fact that i can't stay focused.. check twitter a few more times.. go for a run... and then maybe try to read my bible... and pray for awhile.. and then when i feel like i've done enough.. i might accept your grace.. but not until i've earned it."  

today the lord showed me that that mindset is a huge hinderance to me.. because it is such a prideful one.. when we are hard on ourselves like that.. and we don't have any grace for ourselves... we are fastening ourselves to a self-righteous guilt that God only wants to relieve us from.. after all... when we lay our weaknesses at the feet of Jesus... he makes himself strong inside of us.. and then his spirit propels us forward and helps us improve in the areas we were trying to improve on our own... 2 timothy 1:7 says that God is the one who gives us a spirit of self-discipline.. we can't come up with it on our own.. so we might as well bring our feeble and un-focused minds to him.. and let him do the work.. 

i cant do anything without the holy spirit.. i need him to even know that i need him... if i didn't i wouldn't forget over and over again that it's okay to be weak.. i wonder if that makes sense.. anyway..  the word of God says that i should approach the throne of grace [the throne of freely given and unmerited love] with confidence.. i can have confidence in my weaknesses.. because if i wasn't weak.. i wouldn't be coming to the throne of God for grace... who needs unmerited love if you're not weak? God has a purpose for even our weaknesses..  so instead of being hard on myself for not being enough... i will boast about it.. i'm not enough! im not. im never going to be enough.. i can't believe i ever.. even if only in my subconscious.. thought i could be enough.. of course i'm not..... but Christ in me will always be enough... always. so instead of striving for the unattainable .. i pray that i strive for him..  Christ is my only goal.. he's the prize.. :)