conditions of the heart..

it is a built in characteristic of the human heart to desire unconditional love.. we need it actually.. a love that knows no bounds.. love that sees past ugly.. damaged.. and wrong.. now, i am not talking about the love of man... people are incapable of unconditional love.. we just are.. our flesh gets in the way.. no matter how much of ourselves we manage to lose and no matter how much of the cross we take on... we can't love like God... even the love governing the most God-ordained marriages doesn't touch the kind of love that our soul needs to survive... there is only One capable of loving in that way.. and the good news is that we already have this love in our posession.. it is already entitled to all of us because of the blood of Christ.. but just because that kind of love is available.. doesn't mean it makes sense to the masses.. even if it is the very thing that the entire world is aching on its axis to find... if the unconditional love of God is ever going to satisfy anyone's soul.. a person has to believe that they can have perfect love.. that it actually does exist.. and that they really can throw all of their weight into it... i dont think very many people ever get their minds completely wrapped around the possibility of obtaining such an unmerited gift.. it's just not common.. we either don't think it exists.. or we think that it's out there somewhere.. but it's not for us.. we rule ourselves out.. we think we get it wrong too much of the time.. we haven't earned our spot in the arms of abba.. we don't see ourselves as co-heirs... it is a hard lesson to learn that unconditional love cannot be earned.. that we can't do anything to deserve it..

but the heart of the lord is far greater than our finite minds.. he is One who pursues his bride.. he allures her and speaks tenderly to her.. he is willing to win her heart.. no matter what it takes, he lets us know that we are chosen.. in our current disgraceful state.. he wants us to take on His name... and belong to Him..

this is what i'm getting at: at least i know for me, before i decided to let God into my life.. i had to be convinced of unconditional love before i would give myself over to it.. i didn't believe in it.. i'd never seen it.. so why should i believe it was real? in my mind... nobody was going to love me if i wasn't picture perfect.. love was something you had to work for.. and it took all my time.. so i didn't have time to concern myself with the love of a God i couldn't see.. i was too hard at work trying to earn the love of people i could see... trying to fill the void and satisfy my own soul... too decieved to know that i could just relax and encounter the true love of a savior... so naturally in my ignorance i made God prove himself to me before i said yes.. and in turn he had to work overtime to finally get my attention... which is not fair to Him.. he is the King for crying out loud.. and i made him WORK to win my heart??

But here's the part that is still amazing to me.. He did it... he came after me... personally.. God went on a fierce pursuit of the heart of Callie Bezet.. and showed me that i can trust Him.. He went out of His way to prove himself to me.. as if i were worth it.. and then he showed me that i AM worth it.. and he even desires MY beauty... that's crazy. but true. every single verse about the unfailing love of the father can effortlessly hold the weight of my every inadequacy... and he is still willing, even now.. to prove himself over and over... even when i give up on his faithfulness.. and forget the truth about his love... he finds me where i am.. again and again.. and tells me the truth about who he made me to be.. and i fall in love all over... this is a huge part of the reason that i have chosen to devote my life to loving him better and better everyday.. he is a perfect God that constantly pursues and fights for the imperfect... he goes after the quitters, the sellouts.. the faithless... and he wins them to his name...

i wrote this song a while back... and it popped into my head tonight while i was thinking about how faithless i can be at times... i am SO capable of forgetting that the Lord cares about every little detail in my life... and that he wants good for me.. i forget all the time... and i find myself asking God these questions like: God do you really desire me? and do you really choose me? even when i'm this ridiculously flawed?? and the answers never change... one second in His glorious presence and i know again..

i am not crazy about the idea of posting these lyrics bc i think songs always sound better when they are sung.. maybe you'll hear it someday... but this song is the reason i blogged tonight.. so i'll post it. it's called 'you say'

oh my king do you desire me
amidst all my faults do you see beauty
do you take me even though i am unclean
you say you do...

oh my king do you want all of me
all my weakness doubt and failure everything
do you wash me as i lay me at your feet
you say you do...

so take me in
hold me
want me
and show me
your unconditional love
your unconditional love

oh my king do you deliver me
with your truth and life do you come set me free
each and every time the liar comes for me
you say you do...

and oh my king do you come after me
even when i hide my face and don't believe
just to prove your love do you still choose me
you say you do..


so take me in
hold me
want me
and show me
your unconditional love
your unconditional love

i want to believe you
show me again
and again and again

you say you do...