when things slow down..

you know what.. sometimes you just need a nap. i hardly ever take naps because when im not working..  i always have something else i'd rather be doing than sleeping.. like reading or writing.. or music...  or spending time with a friend i haven't seen in a while.. or riding my bike or just figuring out ways to be outside in general.. but it feels like for the past two weeks i've just been running around nonstop with my mind sort of 10 paces ahead of me at all times.. and today is the first time i've had the chance in a while to c.h.i.l.l.... and its been nice.. i've had time to stop and take in the daffodils.. and open the sunroof of my car... ah yes, my car.. it seems that having my car back is the key to having life move at a more manageable pace... i didn't have my car for 2 weeks.. very very unfortunately.. the engine sort of keeled over  couple of weeks ago.. and we weren't even sure if i was going to get to keep my car or have to try and figure out how to get a new one... but after a long tiresome process of adult decision-making (i hate having to make decisions like a grownup.. it makes me squirm).. i ended up just purchasing an entirely new engine for my car... a pretty penny to say the least.. and i had to use australia money to pay for it.. so it looks like i won't be able to go down under for a while now.. its okay though.. God is making it pretty clear that he's the one opening and closing the doors in my life these days.. which puts me at ease.. because when he closes doors.. nobody can open them.. and when he opens doors.. it's a golden opportunity.. like for example.. i have recently been given the honor of going on staff full-time with newlife at the Greater Little Rock campus... i work in the office.. sort of as the receptionist at the front desk.. but i'm about to get more involved with events and stuff.. and i love it because i get to see how the church works from the inside out.. and it gives me a deeper appreciation for our church and the lengths we go to to show people their value in the kingdom.. and i think its such an awesome opportunity because this is my first real job.. and it's in God's house.. which is where i always want to be.. anyway.. all this to say, all is well in my world... i have my car back.. it feels like spring is here (we'll see how long that lasts).. i'm relaxing on the couch listening to jonezetta... and i think i'm about to take a little siesta.. and if it's not dark when i wake up... i just might go for a little bike ride.. or better yet.. maybe i'll go on a night-time  bikeride... could be awesome :)

conditions of the heart..

it is a built in characteristic of the human heart to desire unconditional love.. we need it actually.. a love that knows no bounds.. love that sees past ugly.. damaged.. and wrong.. now, i am not talking about the love of man... people are incapable of unconditional love.. we just are.. our flesh gets in the way.. no matter how much of ourselves we manage to lose and no matter how much of the cross we take on... we can't love like God... even the love governing the most God-ordained marriages doesn't touch the kind of love that our soul needs to survive... there is only One capable of loving in that way.. and the good news is that we already have this love in our posession.. it is already entitled to all of us because of the blood of Christ.. but just because that kind of love is available.. doesn't mean it makes sense to the masses.. even if it is the very thing that the entire world is aching on its axis to find... if the unconditional love of God is ever going to satisfy anyone's soul.. a person has to believe that they can have perfect love.. that it actually does exist.. and that they really can throw all of their weight into it... i dont think very many people ever get their minds completely wrapped around the possibility of obtaining such an unmerited gift.. it's just not common.. we either don't think it exists.. or we think that it's out there somewhere.. but it's not for us.. we rule ourselves out.. we think we get it wrong too much of the time.. we haven't earned our spot in the arms of abba.. we don't see ourselves as co-heirs... it is a hard lesson to learn that unconditional love cannot be earned.. that we can't do anything to deserve it..

but the heart of the lord is far greater than our finite minds.. he is One who pursues his bride.. he allures her and speaks tenderly to her.. he is willing to win her heart.. no matter what it takes, he lets us know that we are chosen.. in our current disgraceful state.. he wants us to take on His name... and belong to Him..

this is what i'm getting at: at least i know for me, before i decided to let God into my life.. i had to be convinced of unconditional love before i would give myself over to it.. i didn't believe in it.. i'd never seen it.. so why should i believe it was real? in my mind... nobody was going to love me if i wasn't picture perfect.. love was something you had to work for.. and it took all my time.. so i didn't have time to concern myself with the love of a God i couldn't see.. i was too hard at work trying to earn the love of people i could see... trying to fill the void and satisfy my own soul... too decieved to know that i could just relax and encounter the true love of a savior... so naturally in my ignorance i made God prove himself to me before i said yes.. and in turn he had to work overtime to finally get my attention... which is not fair to Him.. he is the King for crying out loud.. and i made him WORK to win my heart??

But here's the part that is still amazing to me.. He did it... he came after me... personally.. God went on a fierce pursuit of the heart of Callie Bezet.. and showed me that i can trust Him.. He went out of His way to prove himself to me.. as if i were worth it.. and then he showed me that i AM worth it.. and he even desires MY beauty... that's crazy. but true. every single verse about the unfailing love of the father can effortlessly hold the weight of my every inadequacy... and he is still willing, even now.. to prove himself over and over... even when i give up on his faithfulness.. and forget the truth about his love... he finds me where i am.. again and again.. and tells me the truth about who he made me to be.. and i fall in love all over... this is a huge part of the reason that i have chosen to devote my life to loving him better and better everyday.. he is a perfect God that constantly pursues and fights for the imperfect... he goes after the quitters, the sellouts.. the faithless... and he wins them to his name...

i wrote this song a while back... and it popped into my head tonight while i was thinking about how faithless i can be at times... i am SO capable of forgetting that the Lord cares about every little detail in my life... and that he wants good for me.. i forget all the time... and i find myself asking God these questions like: God do you really desire me? and do you really choose me? even when i'm this ridiculously flawed?? and the answers never change... one second in His glorious presence and i know again..

i am not crazy about the idea of posting these lyrics bc i think songs always sound better when they are sung.. maybe you'll hear it someday... but this song is the reason i blogged tonight.. so i'll post it. it's called 'you say'

oh my king do you desire me
amidst all my faults do you see beauty
do you take me even though i am unclean
you say you do...

oh my king do you want all of me
all my weakness doubt and failure everything
do you wash me as i lay me at your feet
you say you do...

so take me in
hold me
want me
and show me
your unconditional love
your unconditional love

oh my king do you deliver me
with your truth and life do you come set me free
each and every time the liar comes for me
you say you do...

and oh my king do you come after me
even when i hide my face and don't believe
just to prove your love do you still choose me
you say you do..


so take me in
hold me
want me
and show me
your unconditional love
your unconditional love

i want to believe you
show me again
and again and again

you say you do...

God is in Arkansas...

what is god doing? where is he moving? what is he up to?? where does he need me right now? because that is where i want to be.. last week i listened to a podcast from brian houston and he talked about how the best 'footballers' (soccer players) on the field are always the ones who know how to move themselves to the place where the ball is going.. the place where someone needs to be ready and waiting.. the best players have their head in the game and watch closely to know where their presence is going to be the most effective... those are the players that get the most done for their team.. and the ones who get to play the most.. the same goes for the kingdom of God.. it's all about being in the right place at the right time..

my life has taken an interesting turn as of late... the door to Australia has been indefinitely shut.. and who knows if God will open it back up.. i hope he does.. but i do know that i'm not going to move a muscle unless he says to.. in the meantime i've been forced to ask God some pretty hard questions.. and he's been giving me some seriously helpful answers.. and the past couple of months have been nothing short of an awakening for me.. God is waking up things inside of me that i didn't know were sleeping.. and he is revealing himself to me in ways that i didn't realize my eyes were blind to.. he's been humbling me a lot.. he's shown me that while i had my sights set on australia.. i wasn't looking at the harvest here in arkansas... the lost and hurting people that i talk to day in and day out... i didn't give them much of my time because i had the mindset that i'd be leaving soon... but i was wrong... and lately the Lord has been showing me that i need to lift up my eyes.. the harvest is h.e.r.e... right now this second...

mainly i've just been learning that i need to ask God what he's doing.. what he's thinking.. what he needs me to do.. because, sure, i have grandioso dreams and God is behind me 100% on those... but he values conservative-bible-belt-Arkansas just as much as he values third world countries.. and godless cities in Europe.. and underground churches in china (aka future destinations for callie bezet).. and even though God has given me a heart for places like these throughout the globe.. i haven't given God much of a chance to cause my heart to break for the people in my own town.. i've been too busy thinking that i was meant for something better than that... i can be so arrogant. that is a skewed perception of my calling..

it's not that i don't have a heart for my city.. it's just that i have placed more value on loving the people i need a passport to see.. like that is somehow more noble or important to God.. and while that might be more admirable in the eyes of men.. God just wants a willing heart.. those willing are the ones he can use the most.. the ones who are content to serve anywhere.. even at home..

so for now.. i am committed to becoming this kind of a person.. the kind content to serve anywhere.. even if it means the same place i've been serving for the past 8 years... i am in no way too good for that.. if we're going to be honest.. i'm not good enough.. i am only capable of such a task through Jesus who shows me grace.. and maybe if i get that down.. he can trust me to get on an airplane and do the big things in my heart... at least i think that's how it works.. God shows himself faithful to the faithful... so i better be faithful.. and value what i have in my hand.

God showed me this verse yesterday:

"also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which i have carried you into exile . Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper."

(not that i am in exile in my hometown, but still) if my city prospers.. i too will prosper. good to know. i've got to be faithful with what the Lord has already given me.. and trust that i am in the right place at the right time.. there is a time for everything.. if you ever begin to doubt the significance of timing read ecclesiastes 3:1-8... timing. timing. timing... everything hinges on timing.. in the meantime.. God is giving me more of a heart for the people at home.. he is giving me a heart for His house... the church.. local first. then global.

i love how God can make old things new... a fresh revelation from God can change even the most mundane things into a new adventure.. there is always more to God.. there is always a side i haven't seen before... just when i think i know what he's doing in me or where he is sending me.. he proves that he is up to something new that my mind didn't in any way conceive... and he is growing me and stretching me.. and sometimes the growing hurts... but he is more interested in my character than my comfort... which can be confusing at times.. but he always proves that he is working for the good... i don't think i've ever been more clueless about someone.. yet more in love with Him at the same time.. his thoughts never cease to be higher than mine... and his ways are better... he makes ordinary things extrodenarily beautiful.. only He could do that..

boombox

so right now i'm at my desk at work.. it's a rainy tuesday and i've pretty much finished up what i'm supposed to do today... minus one or two really easy things that will take like 2 seconds.. i'm listening to one of my all-time favorite cd's.. that's right.. i said cd's.. because the computer at my desk is a dinosaur... and it doesnt have speakers so itunes and pandora.com are incompatable.. bummer.. no worries though.. lucky for me there is a perfectly capble boombox located just at my toes there beneath my desk... and i'll add that i've gotten pretty good at adjusting the volume, skipping songs, and pressing pause with my feet.. anyway.. a boombox that plays cd's has been made available to me.. GLORY.. now i have an excuse to pilfer through all my old cd's... so i just went out to my car to see what i've got tucked away in my cd case thingy.... here's what we've got:

coldplay: parachutes (that's what i'm listening to right now... LOVE this cd.. very mellow and mellow is my favorite)

JABN.. that's for you brennan ward :)

Matt Wertz: twentythree places
my FALL mix that i made 2 years ago... or i guess 2 falls ago... whatever its just a lot of my favorite songs..
Amos Lee

augustana: all the stars and boulevards

the used: in love and death

a random cd labeled summer! (but the dot at the bottem of the exclamation point is a heart..hm)

lifehouse: no name face

Coldplay: x&y

switchfoot: the beautiful letdown

mae: destination beautiful

destiny's child: survivor

all american rejects: move along

elton john: greatest hits

journey: greatest hits

coldplay: viva la vida

mariah carey: daydream (tied with hanson for my first cd ever and i still have it. haha)

panic@ the disco

john mayer continuum

boyz II men: cooleyhighharmony

imogen heap

enough britney spears cd's to embarrass anyone.

incubus: morning view (this cd and highschool went hand in hand for me)

bryan adams: the best of me

NLC: shout to our God.. (with cale mills' shouting face on the front)

lovedrug: everything starts where it ends

hillsong london

shane&shane: pages

hillsong: all of the above

dave barnes: brother, bring the sun

becca's "day from hell" mix.. haha.. it's actually not as depressing as it sounds :)

mat kearney: bullet

brooke fraser: albertine

brooke fraser: what to do with daylight

Dixie Chicks: taking the long way
Misty Edwards: Onething Live 2007
Brandon Chandler... this is tyler gilbreath's cousin from portland.. he's really good.. and really in love with carriebeth james :)

denison witmer

taylor swift: tim mcgraw

taylor swift: fearless

dashboard confessional: a mark a mission a brand a scar

Damien rice: O

plus there are about 3 or 4 cd's that just say 'worship' on them... no telling what your gonna get on those.... most likely a bunch of hillsong stuff knowing me :) .. or there's the awesome possiblity that it is a rough recording of a Real Life worship service from God knows when... those are always... interesting (to say the least).

wow.. i forgot i had a lot of that music.. and i've just been toting it around in the trunk of my car! now...  i am aware of the fact that that is a very random bunch of cd's... some of them are VERY old and haven't been listened in years... and some of them are newer.. some of them are (in my opinion) timeless... and to be honest i have no idea how some of them even got in there.... but if you can draw conclusions about somebody based on their collection of random cd's.. i have no idea what this says about me... i guess that im diverse?

i love listening to old music... a bunch of those cd's are definitely tied to specific time periods in my life.. i bet a lot of you can probably relate to that.. certain songs can trigger a memory.. and when i listen to them.. i can go straight back there in my mind.. like a time machine or something... which is really fun.. so today i'm thankful for the awesome boombox under my desk :) 

random details...

One of my really good friends recently posted a facebook note in which she listed 25 random things about herself... and i found it very intriguing.. and i thought.. hmm. that's a good idea for my next blog... but then i got to thinking about it and i wasn't sure if i could even come up with 25 random things about myself... and i still don't know if i can.. but im about to give it a try.. here we go..

1. i am absolutely aweful at parking my car in 90 degree angle parking spots... i get it crooked every time.

2. i sort of can't stand having long finger nails.. i always keep them short.. and along those same lines, you will probably never see me wearing fingernail polish.. too much work and it chips off in one day. i can't figure out the point.. (but i always paint my toenails.. go figure)

3. i know how to play the trumpet...

4. i play 3rd base.. and i'm not scared to say that i'm pretty good at it :)

5. crooked pictures on the wall don't bother me at all...

6. i might be the least observant person you will ever meet.. for instance.. my dad got a brand new truck and i walked right by it on my way out and i didn't even notice it sitting in the driveway...

7. i love to draw and paint.. but i don't really do it that much..

8. i collect bracelets from the trips that i go on... and the trips that other people go 0n... so if you ever go anywhere cool.. get me a bracelet! (unless i already told you i want a wood-carved zebra from kenya.. you know who you are)

9. i love airplanes.. i call window seat.

10. i am impressed by large vocabularies...

11. i have a map of the world on the wall in my room.. because i want to go everywhere... (except antarctica.. please God never send me there)

12. i could (and probably will) eat special K every day for the rest of my life... i had it for breakfast and dinner today..

13. soy milk.. please

14. i share a birthday with bob barker from the price is right...

15. i have never worn braces.. or even had a cavity.. and i have just one thing to say to my parents in regard to this fact... you're welcome.

16. i've never died my hair or had highlights or anything like that... and i don't ever plan to.. too much upkeep...

17. there is always.. without fail.. a song stuck in my head

18. i use every excuse possible to make a wish.. 11:11, shooting stars, an eyelash on my face.. or someone else's face.. those pretty fuzzy flowers that grow in the grass in summer time.. what are they called? OH.. and here's a weird one: i always wish on the blue m&ms.. idk why but i sarted that when i was a kid.. you close your eyes and grab one.. if it's blue you get to wish..

19. purple is my favorite color.. but if you know me at all.. you probably already knew that... i don't really own clothes that are purple tho.. hmm.

20. i know how to put water in the radiator and check the oil in my car...

21. i love music.. and i love movies... but i can't stand musicals (mary poppins doesn't count.. i love mary poppins... and all disney movies are exempt.. who doesn't love disney?)

22. i almost won the spelling bee in the 4th grade.. but i misspelled the word crate and lost to a girl who peed her pants in the middle of spelling crate the right way... she peed her pants in front of the whole school.. and still beat me... and to this day i'm a terrible speller...

23. ummm... this is getting hard.. okay 3 more... uuh.. i met justin timberlake in the 8th grade..

24. i have metal plates and screws in my right wrist...

25. i want to go play tennis... let's go..