my day in the sun..

I am a happy girl! 64 degrees outside today! that's definitely good enough for me :) today genuinely was a great day... i will fill you in.

last night i knew that this fab weather was on the way... trust me.. i have been watching out for a warm day like a hawk.. so i went to bed wearing running clothes.. because i already knew i watned to seize the beautiful day in the morning and i wanted to dress for success...

but when i woke up this morning there was a special treat planned that i had forgotten about.. instead of running straight out the door.. my sister had come out to my parents house where i currently live... and we got things going with homemade cinnamon rolls... made from scratch using my maw maw B's famous recipe.. and that in and of itself is a reason to rejoice and be glad for this day that the Lord has made... those things put the doughboy to shame.. BUT.. the cinnamon rolls took a little longer to make and enjoy with the family than i expected.. so i had to scratch my bike-ride off of my list of outdoor activities for the day... (but no worries.. my schwinn knows she has a rain check) and eventually.. out the door i went... destination: nob hill.

so to start out i always park my car at the links clubhouse and run down Irby until i get to the nob hill subdivision.. then its up..up..up.. and down.. down.. down... and then back up.. and back down.. it's a pistol of a run if you haven't ran in a while.. and since we have been experienceing subzero temperatures as of late.. i only get to run once or maybe twice a week (because i really hate treadmills)... so i was expecting to be rusty on the hill... but today the sun was shining.. i had my ipod blasting fellowship church (great for running minus two slow songs).. and i had an extra dose of energy.. so i ran the whole way without ever getting tired... probably because sunshine is my favorite..

then it was time for more outdoor entertainment... so i went out to the river to read.. (okay toadsuck dam.. but 'the river' just sounded more poetic than 'toad suck').. and per usual.. i spread out my fluffy pink queensized comfortor on the grass next to the steps that lead down to the water.. now usually when i do this.. i lay there for hours and read.. or write.. or whatever.. and today i most definitely had my bible.. 2 books.. and a beth moore study in tow.. but today i didn't want to busy myself with any of that.. because today.. the second i pulled my car into the lot i was captivated by litereally hundreds of beautiful white birds hovering over the white caps of the river... i didn't know what kind of birds they were.. but i pretended they were seagulls since im obsessed with the beach.. (later on a lady with an enormous bird brochure and a sweet set of binoculars filled me in that that they were actually ring-billled gulls... but i still kept up the seagull daydream) the birds were incredibly beautiful.. it was like they were flying in slow motion... the sight was breathtaking.. and it moved me to be still.. to quiet my thoughts... just breathe the air and watch the birds flying..

(my camera's not that great but you get the idea)

in those moments when i was still.. and completely quiet.. i didn't want to get out my books.. or my journal.. i knew i just needed to wait.. and listen.. this is a new development for me.. i have recently delved into the art of waiting on the Lord to speak to me.. and seeking after the sound of His voice... in the past i have allowed myself to be far too ADD to wait on God's voice to reach my heart.. but we were created to hear from our creator.. and to be intimate with him.. and so as i sat there in the quiet i resolved to listen for Him.. and after a bit.. i could hear Him.. God just said relax.. nothing is different.. i love you.. everything is taken care of.. music to my ears.. or music to my heart rather... and i could just really sense that the recent chaos in my life was never really chaos... He is constantly moving and working all things together for my good... and also while i was sitting there... i could sense the Lord telling me that we are all on the brink of something bigger than we ever thought or imagined was going to take place.. like he is about to release his spirit throughout the earth in a mighty way.. and He is making sure to take care of His own.. we really can cast all our cares on Him...

so then the sun set behind the trees.. noting the end of what has been.. by far.. my favorite day in a while... i got to hang out with my God outside all afternoon... what a delight :)

my favorite..

attention ladies and gents.. i have a very important announcement to make.. this is my favorite Ben and Jerry's icecream.. i literally get excited at the thought of getting to have some.. because not only is it delicious.. it has a clever name AND a beautiful message written on the inside of the container.. but mainly it's just delicious.. and it comes complete with tiny chocolate peace signs.. what could be better?

an extension...

i am so ready for warmer weather... and i think i've pinpointed the reason i am in such dire need of spring to hurry up and get here already.. it is because i love to be outside.. and right now, it is too cold to be outside for any significant amount of time... aside from the occasional cold and miserable outdoor run.. i tend to post up next to any fireplace made available to me.. and read books.. don't get me wrong.. i love books. books are fine. but being outside is medicine for my spirit.. the perfect cure to any off-day... i dont know if there is anything i enjoy more than taking in, first-hand, the beauty of God's creation.. i am fascinated by creation.. creativity.. creating.. and one of the coolest things about creation is that its an extension of the one who created it.. every song you've ever heard.. or book you've ever read.. or painting you've ever seen.. etc. is an extension of the person who created it.. a little piece of who that person is slipped into the ingredients of whatever it was they conjured up in the creative process.. so when i look around at the beauty of the great outdoors.. i can't help but get all starry-eyed thinking about the beautiful God that created it all...and God really doesn't hold back when it comes to His creation... He wants us to know who He is.. and recognize his beauty.. there are so many different facets of His beauty.. the many colors of his personality evident in the changing of the seasons..

and there is something about being outside that i think aligns us with God as creator and puts everything in perspective.. or at least for me it does.. it's looking at the sky full of stars.. and knowing that it has looked exactly like that ever since the beginning of time.. or standing beneath an old oaktree.. preferably the kind with spanish moss hanging so low it touches the ground.. and knowing that tree has been growing there for a hundred years.. or standing at the edge of the ocean and knowing that you have no idea which shores the water rushing up around your ankles has seen or where it will go.. or hiking alongside a river up to the top of a 400ft waterfall.. and being utterly terrified and amazed at the same time as you gaze down through a rainbow at the fury of the water crashing so far below.. the earth is just so naturally beautiful.. there's nothing man can do to enhance what God has done.. nothing can make it better... creation, in its most simplified form... is more beautiful than any thing man could ever dream up on his own.. so we know that God must be the one behind it all... and He has set it before us... to enjoy.. what a beautiful gift..

indeed... i am ready for warmer weather so i can get back out into creation.. it's like i feel more connected to God when i can be outside.. so as soon as the weather warms up.. i, along with a friend or two.. will be venturing out.. making the most of our local options for outdoor activities.. whether it be the trails at petit jean.. climbing pinnacle (yes, even the hard side audra) riding our bikes all over conway, running salem trail, or just spreading a quilt out in the back yard to read a book... i'm ready for some fun-filled outdoor adventures.. days spent taking in the beauty of God.. or days of glory.. as some would call them...

tonight..

i love tonight.. i'm at my friend carriebeth's apartment.. and we are with our friend becca (katy was here, but she left) .. and we are TOTALLY doing the girly-est things possible.. eating chocolate... laughing at everything under the sun... dreaming about the future.. talking about our weddings.. and all the many, many places we'd like to go in the world (before and after said weddings).. where we'd like to live life...  we're dreaming about adventure.. and telling secrets... and listening to all our favorite songs (kind of like the playlist for life-in-general)... oh yes, we all have stars in our eyes.. it's so much fun to just be girls and think about all the things that God still has up his sleeve.. there is SO much left out there to be found... God has so much in store.. and it's nights like these that help me remember that the things in our lives that are still 'to be determined'.. are so worth the wait..  cheers to that.. 

the secret to waiting..

have you ever gone through something big in your life.. and needed SO BADLY for God's truth to interrupt the confusion buzzing around in your head so you can think straight for even one minute.. and then wa-lah.. you open up the latest book you've been reading and it just so happens that the chapter up next seems like it was written to speak to YOUR VERY SOUL about what you are going through at the moment?? i'm pretty sure this happens a lot to everyone.. or at least it happens to me all the time... like today.

if you've read any of my recent blogs, you know i've been sorting through the postponement of a dream of mine.. to go study for a year at the Hillsong International Leadership College in Sydney Australia.. And (sparing you the details already mentioned in some of my other blogs) i recently learned that i don't get to go yet.. that's right.. i have to w a i t ... but today i came across the secret to being content in waiting... and i know you're all DYING to know what it is.. well get ready.. because i'm going to tell you..

i've been reading 'walking with God' by john eldridge.. and today i read a section called 'until God becomes our all'.. and this section is basically about being satisfied by God and God alone.. a quote:

"We give our hearts over to so many things other than God. We look to so many other things for life... Especially the very gifts that he himself gives to us. they become more important to us than he is. That's not the way it's supposed to be. As long as our happiness is tied to the things we can lose, we are vulnerable.."

when i read this.. i realized that my devastated state after finding out that i have to wait for australia could be a pretty telling symptom of me seeking after the gift rather than the giver... ouch.. nobody wants to realize that about themselves.. but in my case.. this has definitely been true.. and now i'm going to use a word that NOBODY wants to associate with themselves: much to my surprise it seems as though i have become an idol worshiper.. YIKES. yes. me.

but what are idols? in bible terms.. an idol is anything that can take the place of God in our lives.. anything that we seek after more than we seek after his heart.. and when it comes to me and my australian dream.. you can pretty much take a mugshot of me from the side and stamp 'GUILTY' across the bottem.. because i did that.. woops-i-daisey

God plants desires (aka future gifts) in my heart.. good.. healthy... kingdom desires.. and i get excited about what God's gonna do.. and i want my dreams to come about SO BAD.. that if i'm not careful.. i find myself seeking after the desire.. seeking after the gift... more than i'm seeking after the only one who can make those things happen in my life.. and then the God i love has become a means to an end.. rather than the end in and of Himself.. and again i have to say.. woops..

do you want to know the MAIN problem with seeking after the gift and not the giver? for me it is that i get these pre-conceived ideas about what the gift will look like.. or how it will arrive.. and here's ther worst one: WHEN it will arrive... and that probably just takes all the fun out of it for God.. because when i don't see my gifts arriving the way i thought they would.. i start to hang my head and push out my bottom lip.. imagine what that does to the heart of God.. the giver of every good and perfect gift.. seeing his daughter stomp her foot and pout when she doesn't get her gift when she thought she was going to get it...

there are no guarantees in a life submitted to Jesus.. we are asked to walk by faith. not by sight.. which means that we have to walk without being able to see into the future.. which means we probably shouldn't create our futures in our own tiny little minds before God has the chance to blow us away.. we should probably just listen for God's voice... because after all.. if we are His sheep.. we will hear him telling us to wait.. as of today.. i get this.. i'm not a pro at it.. but i get it.. we have to close our eyes.. and follow the sound of His voice..

i came across this verse today. i've read it before. it's even underlined in my bible.. but it means something different to me now that i see what i've been doing. i've been making idols out of my dreams for the future.. and not paying close enough attention to God's voice leading me.. and i wasn't even aware that i was doing that..

isaiah 42:16-17..
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.
But those who trust in idols,
who say to images, 'You are our gods,'
will be turned back in utter shame.

right about now is a good time to know that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.. now that i know i was doing that.. all i have to do is turn away from that mistake.. and chase.. once more.. after the heart of my Abba.. close my eyes and make hearing His voice my only goal.. and pay closer attention to his directions... let him guide me and make the rough places smooth. but it's also important that i keep dreaming the dreams he gave me.. they are.. after all.. a glimpse of the gifts i am sure to recieve in the future.. but i won't chase the dreams... i will chase the dream-giver. and that, my friends, is the secret to being content while we wait on dreams to come true...

airplane

so i've pretty much been crying all day.. today one of my very best friends in the world, Lydia Anne Cazzell, got on a plane pointed in the direction of sydney australia.. and then at 11 am.. that plane took off... and the empty seat right next to hers was meant for me.. but i'm sitting here.. on a couch in my hometown.. and even though the fact that i'm not with her keeps the tears streaming down my face.. the peace in my heart assures me that this is exactly where i'm supposed to be.. at least for now..

i know that my God does not fail.. and that i will see his plan to prosper me unfold soon enough.. but today i can't see anything that lies ahead.. and the future, though it may be filled with hope.. looks pretty unclear... so today i am sad.. and i will simply mourn.. because i am only human.. and the head knowledge of the truth of God's promise doesn't always make its way down to my heart in a timely fashion..

a little while ago i went up to the church for worship and to pray (this week we are having worship and prayer everyday... its a special treat) and for a long time all i could do was weep before the Lord.. my offering to God was a chaotic mixture of tears and challenging praise.. because sometimes singing seems like more of a sacrifice than an offering.. but faith is being sure of what we hope for.. and confident of things that we have not yet seen come to pass.. so i'm learning more and more that sometimes we have to praise God for who He is out of faith.. because no matter what we're facing.. nothing changes the fact that he sits on the throne... and we can just know that even though we might weep in the night season.. joy is coming in the morning.. and as someone very dear to me pointed out today.. 'i've seen enough of God's faithfulness in my yesterdays, to know that he will be faithful in my tomorrows'..

oh yes. i do trust in the faithfulness of my Jesus.. He has proven himself worthy over and over and over.. i cannot recall a time that he has ever let me down.. so my prayer today is that God will continue to direct my path.. guide my steps... and show me the right way to go.. and that i would stay close enough to His heart to hear him speak and that i would obey whatever he says to do... and of course, i'm also praying that it would be His will to still send me to australia for the july intake of hillsong college.. because that dream is still so big in my heart.. i have to believe that God put that desire there.. because all my delight is in Him.. forevermore.. (psalm 37:4)

and i also pray that God will use me here in arkansas while i'm still around.. God give me a bigger heart for my city... and show me what to do with the time you've given me to still be here.. help me to lift up my eyes and see the harvest... i know that there is great need for you all around... and for me, this town is quite possibly the most comfortable place i'll ever know... but i refuse to curl up and go to sleep while i wait for adventure... God use me now.. my heart is willing..

sunshine and sailboats.. cold wind and winter coats..

lately when i think about blogging.. the only thing i can come up with to write about is THE BEACH. i think God created me with the beach in mind.. which is probably why im always leaving the house without a coat in freezing cold temperatures... i want to be where it's WARM.. i like the feeling of sand between my toes and that coco-nutty smell of suntan lotion.. and of course theres the constant crashing of the waves... i love it all.. palm trees, sail boats, those planes that fly up and down the coast boasting a banner that says something like 'jimbob's seafood buffet.. kidz eat free!' and OH MY GOSH i love swimming around in the water with goggles on looking for sea shells... if you've ever been on a beach extravaganza with me, you probably saw me don a pair of those really geeky snorkel goggles with the big rubber nose and run as fast as i can out into the waves... you'd swear i'm 9... but one time i found a baby sand dollar so lay off! another thing i love is getting in tan-offs with anybody willing to take me on in a contest to see who can get the darkest... i've never lost.. not even once.. i actually look forward to the day when i meet someone who can beat me in said competition... i will graciously stand up and applaud.. [please overlook how prideful i sound about it.. it's all just for fun :)]

aah yes. the beach.. that's where i wanna be... but the reality is.. i am in conway Arkansas... the current temperature is 31 degrees... and we are in the dead of winter, no sand, no waves, palm trees, or anything even remotely of that nature anywhere around for miles.. and i am COLD.. cold weather is only okay with me one month out of the entire year (december) and then there is the rare occasion when we get a few inches of snow.. which im TOTALLY stoked for.. but.. nevertheless... i don't love the bitter cold... but another thing i don't love is being discontent with my current circumstance in the here and now... so in protest of being negative about the next few months of cold, beachless weather.. i am going to dedicate the rest of this winter season to paying attention to my surroundings and discovering all the things that i love about the frigid wintry time span between the months of January and april.. right here in the natural state.. i know i can do this... so thing number one on my list: bare tree branches.. there is something innately beautiful about leaveless trees.. now, off to search for thing number two..

a dub...

i've got this amazing friend named audra.. and let me just tell you a little bit about her. when i first met audra.. i knew that this was the kind of person i wanted to be around.. she has the most uplifiting personality.. just being around audra for 10 minutes will put anybody in a better mood.. not to mention she has an uncanny ability to get crunk (haha).. and then there's the fact that she is one of the most ballin shortstops i've ever had the honor of playing next to on the softball field.. she's kind of my softball hero.. but all that is beside the point.. the coolest thing about audra is what God is doing in her life.. God is doing amazing things through this young lady just for the simple fact that she is just so willing to be used.. she understands that there is power of life and death in the tongue.. and she uses that power to build people up.. and point them towards the same target she is chasing everyday.. the God she loves. Watching her grow in her relationship to God.. especially this year in 24/7 (one of the coolest leadership programs on the planet).. is such an inspiration.. she is so deticated to discipline.. and eager to get better and better with every passing day.. you can tell the changes she's making are real and lasting.. and she really understands the importance of loving people.. and the importance of discipleship.. and i want to love as selflessly as she does.. it's beautiful to watch.. so audra, when you read this.. just know that i love you dearly and i look up to you.. my sister, my friend :)

ps.. i'm so excited for your mission trip to mexico.. God's going to do beautiful things on that trip.. i'm defintely keeping you and all of 24/7 in my prayers.. but i want you to go already so you can hurry up and get back!

the basics...

lately i've been learning a lot about my relationship with God.. really examining the reasons why i love Him and why i've decided to position my life beneath His will and mercy. and although i sort of already knew this, circumstance is bringing it about in a new light.. and it's coming more into focus.

we serve a God with the ability to make things happen. He can bring change with one word from His lips.. with one touch of His hand.. so in a lot of cases, it comes natural to love God for what he can do. it feels right to be like "wow God! you're so powerful! look what you've done in my life and in the lives of others! no wonder i serve you!" He is a God who loves to dump blessing after blessing on top of our heads.. so much in fact, that it is a very real possibility that one might begin to generate the wrong idea of what a relationship with God is supposed to be like.. at first, in the early stages of a relationship with God, a love that bursts forth as a response to God's goodness is quite acceptable, i think.. but as we grow and mature in the things of God, i also think He prompts us to re-evaluate our feelings about him..

like, for example.. what happens to our affections for him when the honeymoon is over and we have to start working together on figuring out how to pay the bills. a new stage of life brings about a deeper.. more real need for love.. it's like we go from "wow God, you blow my mind with how GOOD you are all the time!" to "God i don't care what it takes or how tired i am.. or how much it breaks me.. i WILL NOT be without you." and we find that our love for him doesn't actually depend on circumstance at all.. and we receive the newsflash that this journey isn't always gonna be all sunshine and sweet tea.

but we've agreed to be in this place we are in, the legally binding contract being His beautiful name scripted upon the tablets of our hearts.. we've said for better or for worse.. and here we are.. right in the middle of worse.. holding onto the promise that every bit is worth it.. and the promise that He won't let us go.. and we learn that this love we have for God runs deep within us. deeper still than the blood coursing through our veins.. maybe even deeper than our bones.. and we learn that His love is a part of who we have become.. and it really is all we need. and some days it is the only thing that keeps us functioning at the most basic level.

Now, i know that life most likely gets harder than not getting to go to australia. but one thing i'm learning is that no matter what happens, i live my life everyday with a God, a friend, a man.. that died so we could be together.. just like this.. right now. and for eternity.. and that really is enough.. everything else is just a bonus.

dreaming with a broken heart..

hey friends.. i need some encouragement.. so anybody who reads this, feel free to leave thoughts...

okay, so... as a lot of you already know.. australia isn't really working out the way it was supposed to.. these days, a loan is a very complicated thing to acquire.. (or at least it is in my case).. and if i was going to go to australia.. i would have needed to take out a pretty hefty loan to support myself (jobless) in sydney for 11 months.. and sparing you the details.. things just werent lining up.. so the australian dream is on hold (unless 15,000 dollars falls on my head before january 13) until july.. im praying that i have the money to go by then..

but with all that said... just being honest.. my heart is BROKEN.. i wanted to go THIS month.. its been a reality in my mind for a while now.. january=australia.. and now that i have to wait.. i literally just have an ache in my chest.. i'm not angry or mad or anything like that... just hurting.. and what's worse, is i know the right answers to this.. i know that God's timing is better than my timing.. and that i can trust that His ways are higher than mine.. and that i can just be confident that he is up to something better.. and believe me when i say that i know all that stuff is true.. and i am VERY grateful for that truth.. and i am truly excited to see what God has in store for the future.. i can still face tomorrow with a smile.. but my problem is this broken heart that i have today.. i can't help it... i'm not used to the idea of waiting on australia for 7 more months.. when i really thought my waiting was over... and everytime i have to explain to someone else that i'm probably not going to get to go to sydney this month.. theres like this little twinge in my chest... i know that might seem dramatic.. but its the truth..

so.. my question is this.. since i know that God's timing is the most important thing here.. how do i get over this heartache?

another year in the rearview...

well guys.. there went 2008. i don't know about you.. but i had a blast last year.. i thought maybe we could glance back through the last 365 days via picture slideshow and take it all in one more time.. this was my 2008.. january to december... and everything in between..

i'm excited about what is to come in 2009.. God is always up to something worth getting excited about.. especially if we can manage to eliminate our pre-conceived ideas about what we think is going to happen and allow God to be God.. because he cannot be contained within our minds.. and at that, i take comfort and rejoice.. and 'always face tomorrow with a smile' (prov 31:25 message)..

so may God bring us all peace.. joy.. love.. and adventure in the year to come... i love a new year.. it's just like morning.. we get a fresh new start... like the first page of a brand new journal.. the possibilities are endless.. so, from the outset.. i say this to you.. it's a new year.. 'feel free to change the world..'