a panoramic memory..

this post will probably bore you to death... lo ciento amigos. it's just a quick snapshot of the room i grew up in before i move out of my parent's house.. you know. spread my wings. learn to fly.. etc. 

enough.

grace.. it is available to all of us. we do not have to be perfect because God's grace is sufficient in us.. there is not one thing on God's green earth that i could do to earn God's love and approval.. and there is not one thing i could do to ever lose it. i have it. period. he loves me exactly how i am right now. and even though this is a truth that i can spout off in my sleep... i usually feel like i'm not enough.. like in need to strive. try harder to be better. i feel like i'm not healthy enough or smart enough. or wise enough. or i don't love people enough. or i don't use my time efficiently enough trying to become more of the things i just mentioned. and here is the one that has been really getting me lately.. i don't feel like i'm focused enough.. i feel like i have spiritual A.D.D. or something... i know that God is the only thing i need to be concerned with.. so why am i so concerned with EVERYTHING else.. my brain so easily veers off onto other mental tangents that have nothing to do with seeking God with my whole heart.. and i feel distracted.. and i feel ineffective.. and i get so down on myself about it.. because i feel like my inability to focus is such a weakness... and while that is true. it is a weakness.. the Lord showed me today that i don't give myself the same grace that he gives me so freely... 

i was sitting in church today and we are in a series called ransom.. it's all about the grace of God... as i was sitting there listening to darren preach about the grace God has for us.. i began to think like this (writing in my journal): yeah, sure God has grace for me.. and when i feel like i'm doing well in my walk with God, i readily accept it.. but when i'm not focused and i can't seem to love Him the way he deserves.. it doesn't matter if God has grace for me.. because i can't feel it... and i'm lacking peace and rest... so here is what i gather... i wonder if the battle is not against figuring out how to accept God's grace, but against figuring out how to have grace for myself.. God accepts me even though i'm not enough.. so why can't i accept myself for not being enough... i think that the concept of grace from God is an easier one to grasp than the concept of having grace for myself.. because of course God has grace for me.. he's God.. he has the capacity to love me me unconditionally.. I, on the other hand, do not have the capacity to love myself unconditionally.. consequently... i feel like i'm not enough.. most of the time.. (i think this can be pretty common in everyone.. girls especially.. the whole "i'm not enough" problem.. and for the record.. i do believe this idea comes from our adversary.. he thinks he's so clever)

i know for a fact that i don't have to EARN my place in the arms of my jesus... but a lot of the time it's like that doesn't matter to me bc i have certain standards that i have to meet in order to earn my own approval... i know the truth.. i know the lord is standing there with open arms saying 'come to me you weary one.. approach my throne of grace with confidence.. i have given you weaknesses so that you would need me.. i want you to come to me' .. i'm the one who says 'nope i've got to get my act together over here... i know you have grace for me but i'm not going to take it because in my opinion... i don't love you enough so i don't deserve your rest.. i can't even stay focused on you these days.. why would you want to give me grace? i'm not coming to you right now.. no-sir-re-bob.. so what i'm going to do is stay over here and try harder not to be so weak.. beat myself up over the fact that i can't stay focused.. check twitter a few more times.. go for a run... and then maybe try to read my bible... and pray for awhile.. and then when i feel like i've done enough.. i might accept your grace.. but not until i've earned it."  

today the lord showed me that that mindset is a huge hinderance to me.. because it is such a prideful one.. when we are hard on ourselves like that.. and we don't have any grace for ourselves... we are fastening ourselves to a self-righteous guilt that God only wants to relieve us from.. after all... when we lay our weaknesses at the feet of Jesus... he makes himself strong inside of us.. and then his spirit propels us forward and helps us improve in the areas we were trying to improve on our own... 2 timothy 1:7 says that God is the one who gives us a spirit of self-discipline.. we can't come up with it on our own.. so we might as well bring our feeble and un-focused minds to him.. and let him do the work.. 

i cant do anything without the holy spirit.. i need him to even know that i need him... if i didn't i wouldn't forget over and over again that it's okay to be weak.. i wonder if that makes sense.. anyway..  the word of God says that i should approach the throne of grace [the throne of freely given and unmerited love] with confidence.. i can have confidence in my weaknesses.. because if i wasn't weak.. i wouldn't be coming to the throne of God for grace... who needs unmerited love if you're not weak? God has a purpose for even our weaknesses..  so instead of being hard on myself for not being enough... i will boast about it.. i'm not enough! im not. im never going to be enough.. i can't believe i ever.. even if only in my subconscious.. thought i could be enough.. of course i'm not..... but Christ in me will always be enough... always. so instead of striving for the unattainable .. i pray that i strive for him..  Christ is my only goal.. he's the prize.. :) 

african zebras and oliver street...

Hello all... this post will be brief, yet monumental. the first order of business i must attend to is that i want to welcome my friends in 247 back from changing the world in africa.. i've heard that there were something like 7,000 salvations won for the kingdom on that trip via the world changing 247missions teams... and all i can say about that is w.o.w... its amazing what can be done in one month through willing laborers... all that hard work in preparation more than paid off... so blessing and honor and glory to the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY... precious lives in africa have been forever changed in the name of Jesus :) and it is so good to have all of you back home.. you were dearly missed..

now, another important order of business.. i want to introduce to you the wood carved zebra that audra brought back for me from Africa.. i have been wanting a wood-carved african zebra ever since my sister brought me home a wood-carved african giraffe last summer.. (idk why the giraffe made me want a zebra..) anyway now i have one! thankyou SO MUCH audra.. i love him so much i gave him a pearl necklace.. still trying to decide what to name him..  hmm... 

And last, but MOST CERTAINLY not least... the picture below features the house i will be moving into with my two good friends katy and erika... in (count them) 2 WEEKS!!! I am so excited i can hardly stand it.. i have ALWAYS wanted to live in a cute little old house just like this one (it was built in 1937!).. and now i'm going to.. and it's my very first house! (i'm moving out of my parent's house for the first time aside from campus housing at UCA.. they'll be empty nesters so if you see them give them a big hug and tell them it's going to be okay)..  basically what i'm saying is... we have a front porch swing (perfect for rainy days) and a back deck (complete with a fire-pit hand crafted by our landlord cory cangelosi) and not one, but 2 tire swings... a plum tree, and blackberries that grow along the back fence... what does all this mean??? it means the most perfect summer ever.. come over whenever you want.. we will invite you in for a big glass of sweet tea.. and the kitchen is perfect for dancing :)

our little house on Oliver street... home sweet home :)

Joseph and Effie...

I went for my usual run today in the grave yard across the highway from where my parents live.. and before you think i'm weird and creepy, i'll say that running in a cemetary is not as strange as it sounds.. it's actually a beautiful place if you can get past the fact that there are hundreds of deceased people resting in peace just beneath the surface of the ground... and since that obviosly doesn't bother me.. i run there often. i love all the old trees and the colors of the flowers that paint the field of gravestones and all the white statues of angels.. there are cows grazing the grasses of the field just over the barbed wire fence on the other side of the cemetary.. and there is a little old white church across the highway from the graveyard that has probably been there for at least a hundred years.. it really is a lovely place.. i like running there.. plus i like the fact that i know one time around is a half mile so it's easy to keep up with how much i've run...

today when i finished up my last mile, i decided to take a look at some of the graves near the front of the cemetary.. because the ones near the front are the oldest.. and i came across the joint grave stone of Joesph and Effie McNutt.. the center of the old grey stone read "together forever".. and i thought to myself.. what a beautiful idea.. this couple was buried together here beneath this old oak tree.." Then I looked closer at the dates listed on the stone.. He was born in 1872 and he died in 1933... and she was born in 1873 and died in 1976.. so she lived without him for 40 something years.. and that is such a long time to be without the man you married... and the thought of that made me sad.. I wondered what her life must have been like after he was gone.. and the challenges she must have faced.. Effie endured 40 years as a widow until she herself passed as well and was laid to rest next to her joseph beneath the oak tree...

i know this post has been sappy and sentimental.. but seeing that gravestone caught my heart off guard.. i think the reason i think this is so sad is because one of my very favorite things to see is elderly couples who still love each other after all the years gone by... you've seen them.. they're the ones holding hands in wal-mart.. and the ones who sit really close to each other on the park bench at the walking trail.. they have lived their lives together and grown old together side by side.. it's beautiful.. so i really dislike the idea of someone having to grow old alone..  but still, it was a sight to behold, seeing their names together on the stone... Joseph and Effie.. beneath the script "together forever" 

shel silverstein....

when i was a little girl i would sit for hours and throw my head back laughing at shel silverstein poems... i love them still... i think it's because they are so reflective of the magic inside of a child's imagination... so today i've been reading some of my favorites online... i'll share :)

“If you are a dreamer, come in. If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hoper, a prayer, a magic-bean-buyer. If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, for we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in!”

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”

Where The Sidewalk Ends...

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

some good advice from paul..

"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care --then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand...

Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light-giving Message into the night..."

Philippians 2:1-4, 14