time to say something...

so.. i've been pretty silent lately as far as blogs are concerned.. i'd love to say that i have a good reason for not writing... but i don't. and it's strange because i truly love to write...  but i've been in this really weird state of mind lately where i don't feel like myself.. and i haven't felt like doing the things i love the most. like reading. and writing. and creating. so i definitely haven't been blogging. i haven't felt like i have anything to contribute... haven't wanted to share. ((learning about myself that i tend to be sort of closed off.. like a locked room in a tall tower [had to put a brooke lyric in there] :) .. im working on it tho))  honestly if i'm going to be real.. i've been in this really dry place spiritually.. not motivated to seek.. or grow.. which is really strange because i'm constantly immersed in a church that is MORE than alive with the spirit of God and consistent growth and creativity.. and even though all around me people seem to be thriving... i've felt consistently braindead..  and all i've been able to do is watch as the hand of God spurs on this amazing change in our church.. and wonder what is wrong with me because i'm not as excited as i should be. and i've felt ill-equipped to be in a leadership roll among such passionate leaders... i've felt like a bad Christian more in the past few weeks than i ever have. absolutely z e r o grace for myself...... what a shocker.

but the lord is at work in me.. faithful to stay with me even tho i haven't been fighting to be near him.  thru this period of time where i've felt like i'm in this really dry place.. God's been revealing to me that there are still some places in my heart that i haven't given to him for healing.. mainly because i don't realize they are there.. i'm super bad about ignoring things that aren't how i want them to be.. and blocking them out.. so i'm realizing that there's still a ton of stuff that i need to be healed from.. even if i can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is.. i can feel the misplaced heaviness in my heart.. dull aches caused by... something i'm sure. and i think i'm learning that it might always be this way.. even if it's just because of the world we live in. maybe we are just a perpetually broken people who will constantly be in need of a healer until the day He comes for good...  

one night last week i was in the car trying to sort through some of the stuff that's been going through my head about my place in the church... crying to God to please just "fix my heart so you can use me.." and as i sat there feeling like a complete mess.. useless in the kingdom.. i felt like God said::.. "using you is not what i'm thinking about.. your heart is my priority." 

of course. somehow i forgot that God doesn't care about what I can do for him... He doesn't need me. He only wants me...... absolutely must tattoo that on my forehead. 

and it's funny because as i read back over this post... i'm thinking "haven't i blogged about this stuff before? like recently? didn't i already have some big.. awesome revelation about grace... God's love.. and yadda yadda?" but another thing i'm learning::.. i am not above falling for the enemy's tricks... which shouldn't be monumental news... but i give myself too much credit a lot of the time.. much to my surprise.. i am just a regular person who by the grace and power of God has been able to rise above circumstance and come to know truth.. but if i don't fight to hold onto the truth entitled to me....... i'll forget. and buy into a lie. and let it affect the way i live my life.. so capable of believing false things about myself.. and even about God sometimes... and i refuse to believe that i'm the only person who seems to have it all together that actually doesn't... none of us do.  leaders. followers. and everyone in between... we're all in need of a saviour. 

so anyway.. i'm letting the truth back in. and getting stronger everyday. just thought i'd tell you about it.... and be an overcomer by the blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony. 

peace :)