cheers to you..

Sandra Templeton

2011-11-04T08:12:00.000-07:00

hello lovely people.. OH I have so much to tell you! As the leaves change on trees and the air outside gets colder.. it seems like the seasons of my life are shifting as well.. In a good way! First I have to tell you, remember when I moved in to this house? Well after nearly 3 wonderful years of living there, our landlord sold the Oliver Street house and my roommates and I have found new places to live.. And i will admit.. moving out of that house caused my heart to ache, just a tiny bit. But only because every room is filled to the brim with sweet memories.. We laughed hard on Oliver Street.. We cried there.. We fell in love there.. I am so grateful for the years my roommates and I shared together in that Blessed house.. and for all the things we learned from each other in our time together. I remember saying to my dad when we were packing up the last of my furniture to move, that moving out felt like the "end of an era." in my life.. little did I know how true that actually was.

unbeknownst to me , my boyfriend Bronson had a little plan up his sleeve.

I'll begin by telling you that my favorite movie is Big Fish.. I just love the imagery in this movie and I think that there is so much wisdom in it's themes. And my very favorite scene in this movie is the scene where Edward Bloom fills an entire field with daffodils because he is in Love with this girl, Sandra Templeton, and those are her favorite flowers... so he fills her front yard with yellow daffodils and he asks her to marry him.

a few weeks ago, I got a call from the creative arts pastor at our church, asking me to be a part of a photo shoot his team was planning to promote a new sermon series coming up this month. This is a totally normal scenario, so I said yes and didn't think another thing about it. The day of the photo shoot came, and I had been contacted by members of the creative team at our church and informed that I should wear vintage-fall type clothing and be at a peach orchard in our town at exactly 5:15. My best friend and sister were also going to be in the shoot so we should all ride together.

So we get there and we meet Nathan, bronson's roommate and also the Director of Design at our church, and Jamie- the Administrative coordinator for the Creative team.. Both of whom I'd been communicating with about the photo shoot. They tell us another group of people is shooting right now and we have to wait. Not too long after, they led us out to a row of Peach trees in the orchard and we began to walk..

when we got to the top of the hill, i noticed i could see people off in the distance ahead of us.. and I assumed they were all part of the shoot.. then I realized that everyone was standing really still and there was one guy standing out in front of everyone.. I said out loud "Is this a wedding? That guy looks like a groom.." Still completely oblivious to what was going on... then my sister hugged me and it hit me... this was for me..

He had created a field of 1000 (okay, 1,050) yellow daisies (i love daisies) with an aisle down the center, leading me straight to him..

it was the best thing anybody's ever done for me...

he proposed at sunset...

i said yes...

all of our family and friends were there.. even bronson's family from Georgia and Ohio had driven in and caught planes to be here with us.. everybody we love worked together to pull off this masterpiece of a proposal.. It was an awesome blessing that i will never, ever forget. I felt so loved in that moment.. not only by them, but by my God. He has love me so completely and thoroughly. And in this new season of life, my heart is full.

learning lessons...

2011-09-13T12:13:00.001-07:00

"a person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality.. not just a piece of it."-- Ecclesiastes 7:18 (the Message)

I love this. What it says to me is that a person who has the right perspective of God and allows Him to sit on the Mercy seat of their life.. is able to look every circumstance of life directly in the eyes and do what has to be done. Fearing God results in refusing to pretend something is what it isn't.. or ignore the obvious. It takes gumption. It takes guts.. and Lord knows, I don't always have gumption OR guts... but the good Lord also knows.. that it's a goal of mine. I got a fortune cookie the other day that said this:

"First think of what you want to do... and then do what you have to do."

i really like this.. but i think maybe i'd add the words "with integrity" to the end... kind of like how trashy people add the words "in bed" to other fortune cookies ;) haha.. anyway.. I think knowing what you want, and then doing what you have to do with integrity.. is a fair game plan to dealing responsibly with all of reality..

old friends...

2011-07-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

there's just something really good about catching up with old friends.. the people who knew you way back when you were fat in middle school. this is my friend ashlee. we have been friends for a long long time.. and we've had more fun than most people ever will.. we waited in line to buy nsync CDs on release days.. and went to church camp every summer for.. i don't even know how many years. and there was that time we jumped off a cliff into a river with all our clothes on. after we graduated high school we went to college in different towns.. a lot of times I'd go stay with her for the weekend in nowhere AR.. and we would make the MOST of it. from ashlee I learned that from the right angle, if you squint your eyes just the right way through a camera lens, even the most ordinary places can be unbelievably beautiful. i'm pretty grateful that i still have this friendship..

also, we had lunch yesterday.. lucky me :)

a quick note to you...

2011-07-13T10:41:00.001-07:00

God doesn't just love you.. he also likes you. And he's working all things together for your good... and this isn't just a truth to think about when you don't understand the bad things that happen to you.. God is organizing GOOD things for you also! As believers, yes we are called to be strengthened by inevitable trials.. but we are also called to expect GOOD things from our God.. who doesn't just love us. He also likes us.. and that is my 2 cents today... Xx

a few things...

2011-07-08T10:44:00.001-07:00

1. i'm thinking about cutting my bangs like this..

2. It's "dress-up-like-a-cow-and-get-a-free-entree-day" at chick-fil-a. Bronson and I take this holiday very seriously..

3. my back hurts and i think this is why.. just being real.

4. Last night bronson and I went out to dinner for our 1-year anni and it was amazing. i won't gush over him anymore.. but just take my word..

my bean...

2011-07-07T07:49:00.000-07:00

today is July 7.. which might not be a big day for you, but it is for me :) today marks one official year with my amazing boyfriend Bronson Chambers Duke II.. and can I just tell you, I'm crazy in love with this guy. He throws rocks at my window to get me to come out onto the porch.. just like in the movies and all the taylor swift songs. and we sit on the porch swing talking to each other.. and he takes me on walks.. and we climb trees and buildings.. and he isn't afraid of much.. he loves Jesus. and he leads me.. he is my favorite.. and I love him the most.

He makes me laugh... even when I don't feel like it.

He takes me dancing.. and he twirls me around..

and he loves the dixie chicks with me...

He won't give up on me.. and he believes in my dreams..

he picks me flowers... whenever possible :)

he is patient and kind..

and pretty...

and i'm lucky...

July 7th is a good day.. indeed..

all is fair in love and WWII...

2011-06-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

(this picture has nothing to do with my post, but i like visual aid)

a few weeks ago i was watching a documentary about WWII on netflix with bronson. It was a compilation of this amazing color footage taken during WWII. The people making the film spent 2 years gathering the film and putting it together. Weaved in and out of these plausible scenes of war were journal entries from men who fought for the US, telling us real stories from the things they were seeing.

One entry that stood out to me when I was watching the documentary was a soldier talking about how the American media had the tendency to glamorize war for the American public. The people sitting at home on their comfy couches eating dinner and watching the evening news only saw pleasant pictures of Strong US soldiers in good morale, mightily going out to conquer the militaries of opposing nations. But that wasn't the image I got when i saw the footage in this documentary. I saw scared soldiers and a lot of death. It makes sense to me that war would look like that. The man who wrote the journal entry said that the soldiers who fought in the war wanted America to know the truth about war, the horror and filth of it all. and that for them, day in and day out, the battle was not glorious. he said they were always "inches away from death at any moment." They didn't always feel strong. And they weren't always winning the fight.

this makes me think about the widely held concept that we as Christ followers, have enlisted to fight in a "battle" against Satan and his angels. We all have our own way of picturing war. usually when I think of battle, i imagine scenes from movies like Lord of the Rings or Braveheart... the glorious scenes right before the battle where the fighters are donning their helmets and holding up their shields, forming a line.. mighty and strong. They look fierce. Ready to fight.. and they definitely don't look tired. And I think when I initially thought about "the good fight".. this is how I saw myself. There is no question about it, it is more inspiring to picture ourselves in this moment when we are getting amped to go out and fight hard for the Righteousness of our Lord. We still have all our strength. We still feel like giving epic speeches and letting out battle cries to rally everyone else around our cause. We haven't lost anything yet. And yet, naturally this is what we want to think of when we think of fighting in our spiritual war.

But I think to maintain this view is to do an injustice to how hard it actually is to hold your head up in the midst of continuous attacks from the enemy. It is much less glamorous to picture ourselves in the middle of a bloody battle, encroached by death on all sides.. trying to make it out of harms way in tact. but THIS is the truth about a battle. THIS is what the true veterans of the fight would want you to know. and THIS is what we were getting into all along. We should not be surprised by loss. We are fighting against an enemy who comes to steal, kill, and destroy.. and don't think for one second that he doesn't know the weaknesses in your armor, because he does. and because i have felt the flames of his arrows lately, i too will tell you that in this battle "we are inces away from death at any moment." Especially if we lose hope. I may just be speaking from my own experiences, but it seems to me like Satan doesn't retreat unless we know how to fight him. And maybe I'm the only one, but sometimes I forget that I carry the power of Jesus Christ in me, and sometimes I cast my eyes downward. I think sometimes I that because I haven't held close to my heart a clear perspective of the battle going on.. i don't always fight back.. or even worse, I forget that I even have to.

there is only ONE thing that can keep us from losing our lives in this blood brawl, and i bet you know what that is. The other morning i was reading in Psalms, and i found myself taking in the truth of the 91st. The entire passage hinges upon whether or not we DWELL in (live inside of) the shadow of the most high... because then, and ONLY THEN are we protected from the attack of death we see all around us.

(here i will add that if you don't see the attack.. i'd like to politely ask you to please, come out of your bubble)

Look at the picture this scripture paints of war:

My Refuge and My Fortress

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only look with your eyes and see the recompense of the wicked. Because you have made the LORD your dwelling place-- the Most High, who is my refuge-- no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the adder; the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot. "Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."

in case you missed it, there is a nasty battle scene raging here.. there are arrows of evil plots and slanders of the wicked that fly by day, and deadly disease (pestilence) that stalks in the darkness, and the destruction and sudden death that surprise and lay waste ant noonday. There are thousands falling at the side of the fighter, and ten thousand at his own right hand. but the promise stands that he will be right in the middle of this incredibly horrific scene, and death won't come anywhere near him.. he won't even be afraid. Why? because he is consistently emerging himself in the refuge of the Lord Most High. Because he is unwilling to fix his eyes anywhere else.

Know this: the Lord's refuge is not always (and rarely will be) a safe bunker away from the battle. No. The Lord's refuge and the place we MUST dwell is usually located right in the middle of a bloody, disease ridden, ugly battle that we have been called to fight in. It's not pretty. It's a battle. The enemy is after your joy. He is desparately jealous of your peace. and more than anything.. he wants you trapped in the illusion that the battle is not a bloody one. That nothing should ever have to be hard. Because I can assure you, we are in the midst of an brawl between good and evil.. it's Love vs. hate. and lucky for us, we have access to God and his Love through Jesus Christ. and we can dwell within him by taking on his identity.. and in faith, deflect the advances of the enemy. we can fight back.. but some of us don't. we don't have to be afraid.. but some of us are. we don't have to die.. but some of us do. We don't always have the clearest perspective of the war that's been waged against us in our earthly lives. If we saw the war for what it is, realizing that if we are not dwelling in the Lord's refuge, then we are inches away from death at any moment, how would we greet the day? How would we respond to bad news? How would we disciple? What would we want the people watching us and learning from us to know?

I think this next passage is possibly the most crucial scripture to search out. we have to figure out what this means.... we have to help other people figure out what it means..

The Whole Armor of God

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints...

I need to live my life dwelling in His refuge, wearing His full armor. If I do, I'll be safe. There is a verse in Exodus that says this: "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." I believe with all my heart that this doesn't mean that we don't have fight... i believe it means that we have to learn this: to fight is to figure out how to be still in the shadow of the most high, even when there is a battle raging all around you. We have to learn to be still, quicken our spirits, quiet our souls, and to take heart.

same ol...

2011-05-31T08:05:00.000-07:00

I don't think i've painted my toenails since october.. maybe a touch up every couple of months, but they are still the same color.. yowza. i need a pedicure...

life lately....

2011-05-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

yellow chair...

2011-05-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, so yesterday I bought a chair that I love so much it's inspired me to get back on the blogging horse and keep riding. haha
After church my friend Becca and I went to lunch at panera and then took a fly-by-seat-of-your-pants trip to a local flea market: BEST DECISION EVER. I recently rearranged, well, my entire house.. but in that process I rearranged my room and realized that i have the perfect place for a reading chair... and WELL! I found the perfect one :)

I can't wait to read wonderful books like this and this while sipping coffee from my favorite coffee cup, every morning :) also, it's the perfect thinking chair. i know this because i tested it out... i sat down for a bit, and had all kinds of great thoughts! haha.. Anyway, i love the bright sunny color.. summertime, right in my room..

before we brought it inside, becca thought it would be a good idea to take a picture in the front yard :)

don't dare be silent...

2011-02-17T17:28:00.000-08:00

hello all... it seems as tho winter is over... and i pray the coming spring is working it's way into your hearts and planting hope in you the way it is in me... i've been thinking a lot lately. and the reason i've been thinking is because the enemy has been launching missiles at me by way of my thought-life... as i'm sure he does with everyone from time to time. but recently for me it's been bad. and i haven't been fighting back.... i've just kind of been going with all the lies he's telling me about how i'm not good at anything i do.. a terrible leader... a terrible daughter.. friend.. etc..... he really doesn't let up if you don't make him. he will tell you ANYTHING to steal your identity from you, because he's so jealous of your standing with the King. so anyway, i've been losing the fight lately, but the battle is in my mind... and if i don't win there, i don't win anywhere else. but what sucks is the devil's so sneaky.. you don't realize he's been pounding you with lies until you're completely miserable and saying things out of your mouth that are so negative you'd bat your friends on the nose with a newspaper for saying it.

thank goodness God is faithful.. and we are over-comers by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony.. this afternoon i had the pleasure of talking with a bright-eyed daughter named claire over coffee, and i got to tell her about all the places i've come from in life... and it stirred up in me a passion to keep going.. to keep fighting the good fight.. to get myself into the secret place and let God be my defender. thank goodness for God-appointed coffee dates ;)

anyway.. that's all i have for you now.. except for the life changing advice to get on itunes and by the A F T E R M A T H album from hills.... do it. just do it.

a little lyrical advice from one of the tunes on that album: "take heart. may His love lead us thru the night. hold onto hope. and take courage again." ... go ahead and do this too... :)

Also, never forget all the places you've come from... for it is telling of those places and pointing to Jesus... that will cause you to overcome... recently our church celebrated it's 10th birthday. and at that celebration we had these massive walls made up of testimonies from the people of the church... and these walls are loud about God and his saving power... we wouldn't dare be silent about our King.

the thrill...

2011-02-05T10:54:00.001-08:00

hey friends...

lately i've been pondering mundane and ordinary living. It seems as though from the time i became a christian, someone was always telling me that I was going to do something amazing for God.. and that he had a huge plan for my life that was going to change the world.. and while this is probably still true, I think when i heard that I took it to mean that because I was serving God, my life would be this exciting and important thing.. and I think that since i was so young in my walk with God, I thought the things I was going to do for the Kingdom would be because of me and my talents.. because God had made me special.. and i was getting that confused with God's ultimate will and HIS glory. However, God has lovingly shown me that just because he has a plan for my life and He will probably use me to do a few things that change eternity for someone else.. doesn't mean that i can escape the trials of ordinary, every-day ins-and-outs of life that the majority of Christ-followers willingly endure throughout their earthly lives.

No matter what I am doing for the Lord.. If i make doing that thing my goal.. and if i'm seeking the excitement of accomplishing that thing... then i will miss out on the gift of salvation: simply seeking to know the Lord; just having Jesus. Jesus gave himself on the cross so that we could know the Him and be with Him.. not so we could live exciting lives doing things for him.

I'm reflecting on these things because I have been serving in the same church for 10 years now. And this is an amazing place to be.. I've always known that. But i guess I've kind of always thought I was meant for bigger things than Conway Arkansas, and that God was going to send me out as soon as possible (i know, so prideful!) But God has so opened my eyes to the blessing that staying put has actually been for me.. Knowing God and His goodness through ordinary and mundane times will prepare me for life's many, many valleys, because we know that we will face trials of many kinds. What a faith-saving lesson. And what is so amazing about God's grace, is that knowing Jesus, no matter if we are chained in a prison, or leading worship on a platform in front of thousands... means that we can bear witness to HIS awesome power.. a power that lives inside of us.. and it is an absolute thrill...

I love this, by the way:

"2 Here's my concern: that you care for God's flock with all the diligence of a shepherd. Not because you have to, but because you want to please God. Not calculating what you can get out of it, but acting spontaneously.[ 3 Not bossily telling others what to do, but tenderly showing them the way. 4 When God, who is the best shepherd of all, comes out in the open with his rule, he'll see that you've done it right and commend you lavishly. 5 And you who are younger must follow your leaders. But all of you, leaders and followers alike, are to be down to earth with each other, for - God has had it with the proud, But takes delight in just plain people. 6 So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. 7 Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you. 8 Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. 9 Keep your guard up. You're not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It's the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. 10 The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ - eternal and glorious plans they are! - will have you put together and on your feet for good. 11 He gets the last word; yes, he does."

1 Peter 5:2-11 (The Message)

or forever hold your peace....

2010-10-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

Newest obsession: Taylor Swift's new album 'Speak Now'.. I dont know if I can handle the excitement of Taylor Swift and Brooke Fraser both coming out with freaking great new albums in the same month.. these gals need to get together on these kinda things and help me out...

OR WHAT IF:: they got together and wrote music. time out. my mind just exploded.....

pause.......
.........pause....
still getting over it.....

okay, moving on....

so anyway the new Taylor Swift album is really great. I can't stop listening to it.. the other day one of my life group girls set her fb status to say that' taylor swift is the best thing that ever happened to teenage girls.' I have to agree, but i also must add that she is the best thing (besides brooke) that has ever happened to girls... in general. she sings all our anthems of love and hopefulness, and heartache... and she's right on the money.

last night bronson and i sat on the floor of my kitchen and he let me show him all my favorite songs off the album.. and he listened intently to every word.. he's so sweet.. i think i'll keep him :)

the great outdoors...

2010-10-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

I went camping this weekend... i hadn't been camping in something like 4 years.. That's too long a time if you ask me. It rained a little.. but mainly, i loved it. Some pics for ya:

sunday...

2010-10-18T09:28:00.000-07:00

Wellll, since i let you in on my saturday, i'll give you a peak at my sunday as well.. it was a glorious fall celebration.. i woke up and rode my bike to the coffee shop downtown.. for the duration of the 10-minute voyage i had brookie's flags blaring in my ears and i sang with her, joyful and triumphant, the whole way there.. which i think is appropriate for an adorable music video..

later on i went to NLC and got to be part of worship for the 5pm service and elevation. life is a blessing :)

saturday...

2010-10-16T12:32:00.000-07:00

Today I've watched 3 episodes of gilmore girls and painted my toe nails...

also, there's something in the water...

kiss your life...

2010-10-04T07:47:00.000-07:00

Last December me and two of my favorite friends took a trip to columbus OH.. we did some looking around in a really artsy part of town called the short north. among our many wanderings in and out of the old buildings in the short north, matty took us pondering through an adorable little paper shop.. and thank goodness, because it was here that we discovered some of the best advice that can be given. on tiny pieces of off-white paper, bits of wisdom have been etched in ink by the handy work of a typewriter.. i of course took pictures...

yesterday i came across this one as i was browsing thru my pictures.. as i often do... and i want to share it with you..

"You're blessed when you're content with
just who you are no more, no less. That's the
moment you find yourselves proud owners
of everything that can't be bought."

Matthew 5:4 TM

woman: the new has come

2010-09-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

This past weekend New Life Church had a Women's Conference. It was the kind of thing that changes the way people live their lives.. Precilla Shirer spoke an encouraging word over the women of our church. A word that helps us know that God wants us to stop wishing and wishing that we could hurry up and move on to the next phase of our lives, whether it be leaving singleness to be in a relationship.. or rushing past the dating years to get married.. or wishing that we could go ahead and arrive and shine in the calling God has placed on our lives. We can't keep up the habit of constantly wishing the present away, never satisfied because we think one day we'll wake up and our lives will look like what we always thought they would. No, we have to embrace our season. We have to invest our hearts wherever we are.. at whatever phase of life in which we currently reside. God has rest for us NOW. God has a plan for us NOW. Exactly where we are. As long as we are loving God and Serving faithfully with whatever we have in our hands at the moment, we are walking in God's perfect will for our lives. The new has already come.

some pictures from the conference after party....

hope..

2010-09-14T13:59:00.000-07:00

my best friend becca and i have been leading a life group of amazing high school girls. girls who have real hearts and real problems.. and need a real Jesus. being a part of this wonderful group of young women has changed the way i view leading worship. getting to know my girls helps me know who is out there in the crowd i'm trying coax into the presence of God on a week to week basis. it makes so much sense to me why not everyone is ready to abandon themselves to the saving grace of Jesus the second the first note is played.. or even by the final song for that matter. there are people out there who don't really feel like worshiping... maybe they don't know if their dad even loves them.. and they can't trust their mom with the secret details of their lives because she's too judgmental.. and they have friends that would throw them under the bus at any given moment if the opportunity to look cool in front of other people presented itself... these kids can count on so little. their confidence is rickety.. and their passions are fragile. their foundations are constantly being shaken... it's not fair.. injustice can put a serious damper on someone's ability to believe in freedom...and honestly, it sucks. but, now that i have a better grasp on the heart-condition of the ppl i'm leading.. i feel like God has put something in my heart that desires EVEN MORE for them to get into the healing presence of God.. it's so important that they know Jesus. and leading worship, or being a lead worshipper, means figuring out how to help them know God sees them.. and that he offers them hope...

happy me...

2010-09-14T11:29:00.000-07:00

it seems as tho i've fallen off the face of the blogging earth.. I'm going to try to hoist myself back up..

soo... what have i been doing lately?

well.. for those wondering, i've been hanging out with my beautiful, funny, smart, awesome spectacular, singing, dancing, guitar playing, skinny-jean-wearing, Harry Potter-loving boyfriend. meet bronson chambers duke II:

oh... and we love each other... ♥

in line at panera bread...

2010-05-09T20:27:00.001-07:00

i realized something while i was in line at panera bread the other day... if we fix our eyes on anything but Jesus, we will be completely miserable. i know this because i am oh-so-human.. and i fix my eyes on the wrong things all the time. i look to people.. or dreams of what could be.. and i think "if this thing works out... i'll be the happiest girl alive.." and for awhile i'll be motivated and excited by whatever it is.. and even able to produce a sort of faux-contentedness that way.. but it does not sustain me. i feel like i'm always waiting for something that never comes..

but seriously.. i was just standing there in line at panera, running over the details of my life in its current state.. and longing for things to be different.. and it hit me at that moment that i was doing my best to tuck away an underlying miserable feeling that seemed to persist.. it makes me think of the line in that john foreman song "You Lord, are God of the present tense." The present tense. The here and now. If He is who he says he is.. then He is enough for now. And when i can humble myself enough to remember that.. I'm totally satisfied. i remember that whatever it is in my life that i think should change.. but it isn't changing.. i can actually view as my cross to bear.. and endure it for the Joy set before me...

it is in those rare moments, when the being whom i was created to know and be known by steals my attention away from every other trivial thing that somehow has me in a daze... that i am completely aware that i've been distracted. but that's me.. i'm easily distracted and prone to wander.. i am unfaithful and a my heart is wicked.... but God is still fighting for my love... grace is the best thing that ever happened to me...

the 90's called...

2010-04-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

i had what some might consider to be a rough day yesterday... so i did what any normal healthy girl in her twenties would do... i went shopping. and i feel it necessary to bring this up.. who would have thought that the 90s would come back into style? and with such gusto?? OR that i would like it so much... if you would have asked me a couple years ago if i thought any trends from the 90's were salvageable.. i would have said no way. but i would have been wrong.. i bought this ruffeld skirt yesterday and wore it today to work with a tucked in white tank top and a tan cardigan.. it looks like material from one of my easter dresses when i was in pre-school.. and i'm pretty sure i haven't tucked in my shirt since 4th grade.. and let me tell you. that's when i was wearing no-no's such as all denim outfits and kelly kapowski bangs... high wasted jean shorts with a white tucked-in t-shirt.. topped off with a jean vest.. and not like a cool kind of vest... more like a jean jacket minus the sleeves.. like maybe invision a vest your mom might have worn when you were 10. i should probably add that i wasn't very fashion-savvy in the 90s.. which is why i'm thrilled to get a second shot at it.. enter:: my two new mini skirts and all the flower print dresses i've gotten for spring. the skirt featured below is pretty adorable. i, of course, wear it with tights because i'm not a skeez... this is just one of many items i've purchased that help me look similar to lisa turtle or blossom. thankyou forever21.. for helping the fashion dreams of my youth come true..

a simple song...

2010-03-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

this is the song in my heart right now.. the words "all i know is i find rest in You" echo in my spirit.. because a lot of times i feel like i don't know anything about God.. He's so huge. so incomprehensible... and there are so many mysteries in his word to uncover that i can get overwhelmed and feel like i need to lock myself in a room for days and do nothing but read... it's almost a frantic feeling. like "God, there's so much to you.. there's NO WAY that i know you well.." to know God well is my ultimate goal in life... and it seems so lofty... especially since the enemy is constantly doing what he can to get in the way.. also, there's my wicked heart and the thorns in my flesh that i allow to hold me back... and then there's the fact that life is BUSY... especially at NLC.. our church is alive and growing and it takes people and time to keep it going.. i'm committed there.. and i forget about my first commitment.. quite a bit.

over the past couple of days i've been forbidden to get up and move around... i have to stay still or i won't get any better.. (it's the mono) .. mandatory rest. and i'm not good at it.. i like to stay busy.. but since i've had to stay still.. i've been reading a lot.. and God has been calling me into His rest. if there is one aspect of God's character that i am certain of.. it is that he invites us to rest in Him... the invitation is always open.. it's amazing how often we decline..

thank you Jesus that you always offer rest...

Your faithfullness endures always
Where mountains fall and reason fails
And You calm the raging seas
And You calm the storms in me, again

All I know is I find rest in You
All I know is I find rest in You

My heart will praise throughout the night
Where singing seems a sacrifice

And You calm the raging seas
And You calm the storms in me, again

All I know is I find rest in You
All I know is I find rest in You

Your grace is all I need
Your grace is all I need

oh my happy heart...

2010-03-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

Saturday my bff greta (rebecca) took me on a walk around the block to take pictures of everything beautiful that's been springing up lately.. and of course... the mono made it challenging.. and the picture below probably makes it look like i died on our short voyage.. but alas, i was just getting a picture... i'm blessed to live in such a beautiful place :)

claiming things..

2010-03-18T17:23:00.001-07:00

as i previously mentioned.. i love spring. at this point i'll also mention that tuesday i found out i have mono. that's right... the life ruining 6-weeks of nothing but sleep and more sleep. only to wake up and still be sleepy. maybe that sounds a bit dramatic? probably. all i know is i'm tired of not feeling good.. i mean. for crying out loud.. the daffodils are blooming and i'm stuck inside too tired to do anything.. blah..

i really feel like this sickness is more than just a sickness.. i know it's the enemy trying to keep me from being effective. when i don't feel good (which is most of the time) i use it as a reason to not pray or get into the word very much.. or even to just have a defeated posture.. and until recently i haven't been fighting back.. i just lay there and kind of accept the situation.. now granted, physical weakness is part of mono.. and is a little bit more difficult to fight.. since all i feel like doing is sleeping and i'm not strong enough to do much else.. BUT, my attitude on the other hand.. i feel like IS something i can fight to change for the better.. and that has a lot to do with faith...

i have to believe that God is healing me.. even when there is no evidence of it.. i have to know that there's more going on than meets the eye.. the Word of God says that our battles are not against flesh and blood.. right now i'm battling a sickness.. but i'm not going to let that sickness give the enemy a foothold with me.. and my body may be weak.. but my spirit can be strong.. my spirit doesn't have to grow weary...

i've been praying God's word over my body. I recently ordered a book off of amazon called "praying God's word" by Beth Moore.. It's a book about praying God's Word over your life to break free from strongholds... she takes scriptures and turns them into prayers that we can speak over ourselves to change the way we live our lives.. and there isn't a specific chapter about sickness.. but there is one about despair.. which is applicable to my situation in a lot of ways.. i don't remember ever being sick for more than 3 days.. and i've been feeling sick for about a month now with a headache.. and then strep throat.. and now i find out about mono.. i've just felt like this will never end.. and i need my mind to be renewed because we are transformed by the renewing of our minds.. so i've been praying God's word... prayer and God's word are the only agressive weapons we have against the one who steals, kills, and destroys what is intended for the ones who love Jesus: life to the fullest.

Today I prayed this one:

"Merciful Lord, restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." psalm 51:12

I need that willing spirit.. i claim it today..

finally...

2010-03-10T13:12:00.000-08:00

I love Spring.. I love how it fills me with the urge to enjoy my life... and i definitely love this verse. feel free to live your life this way today.. and everyday :)

Ecclesiastes 9:7
Seize life! Eat bread with gusto, Drink wine with a robust heart. Oh yes—God takes pleasure in your pleasure! Dress festively every morning. Don't skimp on colors and scarves. Relish life with the spouse you love Each and every day of your precarious life. Each day is God's gift. It's all you get in exchange For the hard work of staying alive. Make the most of each one! Whatever turns up, grab it and do it. And heartily! This is your last and only chance at it, For there's neither work to do nor thoughts to think In the company of the dead, where you're most certainly headed.

oh don't mind me...

2009-12-29T22:26:00.000-08:00

today i didnt feel like doing much... so i creeped you all on facebook.. that's right.. every single one of you........... and i'm not even ashamed.

books...

2009-12-14T20:59:00.001-08:00

lately i've been bored with reading.. nothing seems to grab my attention and hold it until the end of the very last page.. i'll start something with good intentions of learning and applying new knowledge to my life.. but i put it down 30 pages in.. never to pick it up again.. which is weird.. because i love to read.. and usually, all i want to do in my spare time is sit in a coffee shop and underline thought-provoking quotes in the latest book i've picked up.. but it's been a LONG time since a book really grabbed me.

tonight i stood in front of the bookshelf in my room and asked god to point to a book.. maybe there was one that i'd put down without finishing that i should pick back up.. or one i'd read before that would be good to read a second time.. but as i stood there glancing thru the titles of the books lining my shelves.. i felt uninspired.. so i went into the living room with my bible. i didn't get very far past 2 Peter 1:3 before i got into a conversation with my lovely roommate katy who was so graciously listening to me sulk about how somewhere along the way, i've lost a certain level of intimacy with the Lord and the craving for him that i had about a year and a half ago.. i was talking about how i just feel so busy.. but like i'm not getting any where. i'm not really sure what to do about my dreams. and a lot of times.. i'm too complacent to pray about them..

so she started pouring into me (such a blessing to live with someone who will pour into you and encourage you to seek God's heart) and she put a book in my hands that i'm certain will stir something up inside of me.. because the topic of the book is chasing the Holy Spirit.. and breaking free of "cages" that lure us into living lives less adventurous than God intended... and after reading the first few pages.. i already don't want to put it down.. (i have to tho bc it's the book katy's reading right now and i have to give it back) but basically.. after a bit of reading.. i can already see how i've grown bored with my faith.. and how i've let my dreams grow stagnant. aanyway... tonight i'm asking God to give me dreams bigger than the ones i already have... passions stronger than the ones i have now.. it's likely that God will not cause my dreams and passions to veer very far from the ones i already have.. but how will i know if i'm on track if i'm not asking God to breath on them and cultivate them according to what HE wants for me. i might even already have a pretty good idea of what my dreams are.. but chances are.. God's idea of what they look like coming to fruition is different (and better) than my befuddled rendition of what will come to pass.. and most importantly... kingdom dreams arise from knowing God's spirit.. being familiar with His heartbeat.. and recognizing His voice... i refuse to be bored with my faith any longer.. obviously, based on God's very character.. there is more than what i've found thus far... there is always more. i can't wait to finish this book...

"We start dying when we have nothing worth living for. And we don't really start living until we find something worth dying for."-- Mark Batterson, Wild Goose Chase.

Maybe our truest passions are the only things (at least in my case) that can completely convince us to deny ourselves and live sacrificially... God show me what i'd be willing to die for.

re-reading...

2009-11-18T21:27:00.000-08:00

ever read back over what you've written in your journal? i love to do that... i read the prayers i've written.. and the aches my heart that i poured out before the Lord.. and see how God has answered them. all. he meets every need.. answers every cry..

sometimes i find things i've written.. desperate pleas to God.. to not let me forget Him.. and the things i've come to know about Him... i've begged him to engrain who he is into my memory.. and cause me to remember His goodness and love.. and let that stir up a passion in me.. and it's cool because when i go back and read what i've written.. i remember the condition of my heart when i wrote that entry.. and God moves in me. again.

when I was in australia last month.. God woke me up eeaaarrrly.. (maybe a little too early.. haha) with a fresh vision for what he wants my ministry to look like... and i couldn't write it down fast enough.. and i hadn't read it again until tonight.. but re-reading it helped me to refocus.. and re-fix my eyes on my beautiful Jesus... my author and finisher... because we all know it's totally possible to become distracted from even the deepest desires of our hearts... and we need to be reminded that at the very core of who we are.. Jesus is our deepest desire.. when we don't allow him to hold that place in our lives.. all kinds of chaos and confusion can arise.. anyway, i'm well aware of how prone to wandering i am... so i'm constantly asking God to help me remember truth... anyway, i'll share:

"Lord God, you've woken me up this morning with a fresh desire to be ready. To be ready at any moment to encourage people with your Word and to declare truth over their lives. I do pray that you would seal that right now inside of my heart and inside of my will... that my primary ministry would arise from being ready to encourage people towards believing in you for things that seem impossible. God keep fresh words from your spirit on my lips and let them come forth from my heart.. from Christ in me. And Lord let what you do in and through me spread to everyone near me. Lord may I become used to this. May it become something normal in my life to be a light house of truth in dark places. Solidify this new thing in me. Oh Lord, thank you so much for a fresh passion.. please keep it alive.. and keep adding life to the fire... stir it up in me so much that if i don't share what you put in my heart with others i cannot even sleep. thank you for new dreams. fresh vision. and a renewed desire to know you intimately. Oh Lord, please hold these things in my heart. do not let me go back to sleep. I love you so much. Change me so that i might make an impact for you."

sometimes when i write to the Lord.. i can tell he's responding to me.. so i write down what he says.. this is what he said to me that morning:

---> "Oh my precious girl.. i've been waiting to wake you up with newness. you are such a light already. let me make you stronger. come to me with every weakness you have. i will lift you up. i will strengthen your heart. i will love you in such a way that it rocks the nations. let me surprise you. let me come through for you. let me have the chance to blow you away with my heart for you. wait on me, child. you won't have to wait much longer. i see your desires. they ache in my chest as well.. the time is coming when we will both be satisfied in regard to the cravings of your spirit. walk with me in love."

How beautiful is that? what a beautiful God.... i can't imagine loving anyone more... nobody else says beautiful things to me like that. he is absolutely my only real delight... and the only one who satisfies...

He is real.. He is alive.. He speaks.. He loves.. He listens.. He reminds..... He is always good.. and he never leaves... or changes his mind...

[resting]

... an australian sunset... because you needed to see it :)

mighty deliverer...

2009-11-12T22:30:00.000-08:00

i wonder how many times a day... we are rescued. delivered from the hands of evil.. things that could have come to pass... don't because God intervenes on our behalf. the word of God says that Jesus is constantly interceding for us before the throne.. and that the Lord fights for us and all we have to do is be still... he watches over us. protects us.. keeps his hand on us.. i wonder.. what does God shield our eyes from.. what messes does he clean up that we don't even realize we've made.. does he tie up our loose ends before things fall apart on us... before things go awry... and before we need to be healed and redeemed.. and put back together again.. how often does he prevent our heartache..

i know sometimes we do fall subject to the brokenness of this world... we all have wounds that need healing.. and will probably all encounter more sharp objects hurled at us by the enemy for as long as we are here.. we come to know strife.. we are always needing to be healed.. and reconciled.. and purified.. and refined... the inadequacies of earth tend to leave grubby fingerprints on our righteousness... God doesn't keep his children in a plastic bubble.. but i believe he would if he thought he could get away with it and not tamper with our ability to choose his goodness over the evil we experience on a daily basis.. he is a good God.. he doesn't want us to hurt or cry... or lose our confidence.. and i'd be willing to bet that he does what he can to keep us from pain.. just like any parent.. except more intense.. because he's God of the universe.. and the author of love..

tonight i've been thinking about the idea of God working all things together for the good of those who love him... i love him. therefore.. he is working ALL things together for my good.. this is such a comforting verse to me.. because i'm realizing that when things happen that seem to be a disappointment.. or something i thought was going to happen... doesn't. "MY GOOD" is at the top of God's priority list.. and even though i can't see it yet.. there is more going on than meets the eye.. there's a war in the spirit realm that i can't see.. and my Jesus is taking hits for me... while i am unaware... considering the amount of destruction the enemy would like to do on my life... when i compare that.. to the consistent provision and comfort and love i experience on a daily basis.. i think it would suffice to say that God fights for us.. far more than we could begin to realize... he is FOR us.. he loves. us. and gives us grace.. peace.. rest.. salvation.. good gifts... hope.. a future... and allows us to know his goodness in the land of the living.. what a good.. good.. God... i want to know everything about him..

writing this blog to boost the thanksgiving in my heart... and squelch the efforts of the thief... this Joy is mine.. i'll be keeping it :)

please be a broken record for me...

2009-10-26T16:28:00.001-07:00

God is shaping me.. changing me all the time.. carving who he designed me to be out of who i was.. and it's a never-ending process that i'm learning to love.. the more pride he manages to take from me.. the more painless the changing becomes.. and actually.. i'm learning that i change the most when i'm standing in His presence with my eyes on Him.. and not on myself.. that's when he can break things off of me that i couldn't let go of before.. the power of His spirit is the main catalyst for change in my life..

there are about a million things i could tell you that i learned at hillsong.. so many things that i get overwhelmed thinking about having to share them with everyone.. and eventually.. stories will emerge i'm sure.. but for now i can't manage to blog about anything other than the fact that God allured me with wild flowers to a place called Sydney, Australia.. and He met me there... and reminded me that He is wildly in love with me.. and that he is capable of giving me the moon.. and so much more.. and that it's okay to dream.. because dreams come true. and he reminded me that i have a purpose that only i can fulfill.. and that if i don't answer His call for my life.. no one else will.. i'm unique.. and irreplaceable.. and His main priority for my life is that i know him... inside and out.. from every angle... and the rest falls into place...

so upon returning to the states.. i've checked some of my priorities... and placed my king back in His rightful place.. and my heart is light again :)

until next time... love xoxo

more to come...

2009-10-21T17:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't forgotten to post about Sydney... i just can't think straight yet.. but i'll leave you with this thought until i get around to processing my week on the other side of the world...

God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above and beyond anything we can hope or ask for... do you believe it?

suitcase...

2009-10-11T15:04:00.000-07:00

tomorrow my lovely sister and i will be taking a little trip..

time to say something...

2009-09-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

so.. i've been pretty silent lately as far as blogs are concerned.. i'd love to say that i have a good reason for not writing... but i don't. and it's strange because i truly love to write... but i've been in this really weird state of mind lately where i don't feel like myself.. and i haven't felt like doing the things i love the most. like reading. and writing. and creating. so i definitely haven't been blogging. i haven't felt like i have anything to contribute... haven't wanted to share. ((learning about myself that i tend to be sort of closed off.. like a locked room in a tall tower [had to put a brooke lyric in there] :) .. im working on it tho)) honestly if i'm going to be real.. i've been in this really dry place spiritually.. not motivated to seek.. or grow.. which is really strange because i'm constantly immersed in a church that is MORE than alive with the spirit of God and consistent growth and creativity.. and even though all around me people seem to be thriving... i've felt consistently braindead.. and all i've been able to do is watch as the hand of God spurs on this amazing change in our church.. and wonder what is wrong with me because i'm not as excited as i should be. and i've felt ill-equipped to be in a leadership roll among such passionate leaders... i've felt like a bad Christian more in the past few weeks than i ever have. absolutely z e r o grace for myself...... what a shocker.

but the lord is at work in me.. faithful to stay with me even tho i haven't been fighting to be near him. thru this period of time where i've felt like i'm in this really dry place.. God's been revealing to me that there are still some places in my heart that i haven't given to him for healing.. mainly because i don't realize they are there.. i'm super bad about ignoring things that aren't how i want them to be.. and blocking them out.. so i'm realizing that there's still a ton of stuff that i need to be healed from.. even if i can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is.. i can feel the misplaced heaviness in my heart.. dull aches caused by... something i'm sure. and i think i'm learning that it might always be this way.. even if it's just because of the world we live in. maybe we are just a perpetually broken people who will constantly be in need of a healer until the day He comes for good...

one night last week i was in the car trying to sort through some of the stuff that's been going through my head about my place in the church... crying to God to please just "fix my heart so you can use me.." and as i sat there feeling like a complete mess.. useless in the kingdom.. i felt like God said::.. "using you is not what i'm thinking about.. your heart is my priority."

of course. somehow i forgot that God doesn't care about what I can do for him... He doesn't need me. He only wants me...... absolutely must tattoo that on my forehead.

and it's funny because as i read back over this post... i'm thinking "haven't i blogged about this stuff before? like recently? didn't i already have some big.. awesome revelation about grace... God's love.. and yadda yadda?" but another thing i'm learning::.. i am not above falling for the enemy's tricks... which shouldn't be monumental news... but i give myself too much credit a lot of the time.. much to my surprise.. i am just a regular person who by the grace and power of God has been able to rise above circumstance and come to know truth.. but if i don't fight to hold onto the truth entitled to me....... i'll forget. and buy into a lie. and let it affect the way i live my life.. so capable of believing false things about myself.. and even about God sometimes... and i refuse to believe that i'm the only person who seems to have it all together that actually doesn't... none of us do. leaders. followers. and everyone in between... we're all in need of a saviour.

so anyway.. i'm letting the truth back in. and getting stronger everyday. just thought i'd tell you about it.... and be an overcomer by the blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony.

peace :)

2009-07-20T09:58:00.001-07:00

It's been a REALLY long time since i've blogged... but i have in no way decided to turn my back on the blogging world. i've just been super busy.. between work and leading worship and helping out with random things in the church here and there... plus the occasional concert and spending time with my beautiful friends.. there's been no time to update my blog.. so this isn't really going to suffice for the huge gap of time between the last time i posted and right now.. but it will have to do..

a quick bulleted list of the things i'm learning/thinking...

- being bad at something is a horrible reason not to do it.

- being behind the scenes instead of center stage is very rewarding.

- i'm learning more and more about just how perpetually broken i am.. and there is always something that God can heal in me.. i just have to constantly let my guard down so he can search me out.. and we cross those bridges when we find them. together.

- i want a kitten. but when it becomes a cat.. i want to trade it in for another kitten.

- Snuggle fabric softener is made from clouds and springtime.. no more wal-mart brand for me.

- i'm almost ready for fall.... ALMOST.

- i bought a tide-to-go pen yesterday.. should solve all of my problems on weekends where the worship team has to wear white..

- the atmosphere of New Life Church/ Real Life worship seems to be stirring and shifting a lot lately... which means God is doing a new thing.. and i like it :)

- my prayer lately has been that the most influential person in my life would be the Lord.. that He would be the only person who really has the ability to radically change who i am or what i'm doing..

the sunset yesterday...

peace. hope. green.

2009-06-18T08:24:00.000-07:00

everybody on the real life worship team this week wore some form of green or black.. well everybody except for ben in the stripes there... but he's so cool we let him be in the picture anyway.. and believe me when i say this was completely unplanned.. in all reality we couldn't have pulled something like that off if we'd been planning for weeks..

josh wore blue..... OH josh.

we love God. we love each other.

we sing. we dance. we laugh. we live... it's all worship :)

faith...

2009-06-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

i'm at the beach.. aaah. if you'll remember, i'm obsessed with waves and sunshine.. so it's safe to say that i'm as close to content as any person can be. this week has been SO wonderful so far.. because i've had plenty of time to slow down.. and think.. and spend time with God.. and just be with Him..

one of the things i love about God's heart for teaching his children is that he seems to always teach things in themes.. much like a teacher in school.. like we move from one chapter of learning his heart to the next.. and the theme right now is faith. I'll read something about it one day in one of my books.. and then later come across a verse about it that hasn't stood out to me before.. and then somebody else will bring up the topic of faith in a conversation so i'll have to recall what the Lord has been showing me.. and then when i tell my sister what i've been learning.. she says God's been showing her the exact same things.. so cool. So God.

A couple of weeks ago we were praying for worship before a real life service, as we always do, and one of the guitarists on our team prayed something that has stuck with me.. and will probably always stick with me.. he was praying for the team and for each of our personal relationships with God.. on stage and off.. and he prayed that above anything else that we would desire intimacy with God.. more than protection, more than provision, more than anything the Lord can do.. that we would seek intimacy with him.. and i have latched onto that prayer.. it is so cool too, because i am seeing the fruit.. and feeling God change things within my heart...

and as a result, my faith in Him is growing.. because being intimate with someone just means to know that person inside and out.. intimacy with God means being familiar with him.. being comfortable around him.. hearing his voice.. knowing his heart.. experiencing who He is in ways that engrave his personality onto the back of my hand... his ways are easy to recall.. easy to remember and trust.... and i feel like i should add that it hasn't even been difficult for me to experience Him in this way.. in the past i've set out to spend more time with God.. but i've done it in my own power.. through my own methods.. and i came up lacking.. this time i haven't had to strive.. i just invite the Lord along with me in my day.. and we discuss the things that make me laugh.. the things that make me nervous... my dreams.. my favorite songs... and it's amazing because this time i know his heart is to listen and respond.. he is not distant... he is closer than a brother..

so lately i've been learning that faith has nothing to do with sight.. and it doesn't have anything to do with feelings... even if everything we see stacks in our opposition.. and we can't feel the presence of God moving in our dreams... if we know God and know his heart... and know from experiencing his personality that he is the same yesterday, today and forever.. our belief in His faithfulness can not be moved... and that's what faith is:: our ability to believe in God's faithfulness.. and our ability to believe God comes from being familiar with his ways.. knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that 'faithful' is WHO he is. Faith is the response to knowing God. and having intimacy with Him..

In the past i have been very guilty of measuring God's faithfulness against the works i've seen him do.. and against the standards of this world.. but coming to know God's heart more and more has shown me that.. on this side of eternity.. we can't base our faith on what we see God doing.. but instead we must devote ourselves to memorizing His details.. and anchor our faith to who He is... nothing inside of time is a guarantee.. so our expectations will likely not always line up with God's higher ways (Isa. 55:8-9).. So we must fix our eyes on Jesus as the only guarantee.. know him.. love him.. and believe him.. all the while viewing time through the lens of eternity...

... eternity with him :)

a barrel of laughs...

2009-06-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

today started out like any other day... but then in walks this little guy. 2 and a half feet of nothing but smiles and stories.. his name is tye and he's the grandson of one of the ladies who cleans our church.. and he was full of jokes.. and a big kris allen fan. we had a blast... if he wanted to visit all the time.. that would be alright :)

in case you can't tell... he found photo booth fascinating.. and he was floored by the size of my sunglasses...

slooow day.. a list of facts.. a series of thoughts.. and a mouse attack..

2009-05-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

so this day is moving pretty slow.. i've taken care of most of my responsibilities for the day.. so... i'm just going to start listing thoughts....

-New Hills United album:: A_cross//The_earth =sheer brilliance.. can't wait to start doing some of the new songs in RL.. there will be some very powerful worship going on all over the earth thanks to the writers at hillsong.. glory to God.

- In an attempt to be more responsible, i've started saving all my receipts when i buy stuff lately because i feel like that's what real adults are supposed to do.. but i don't really do anything with them besides tuck them inside of an envelope with all the other zillions of receipts... i feel like maybe i'm supposed to be doing something with them? like balancing my checkbook or something? but i don't do that... so i guess i'm only a quazi-real adult... working on it tho. one step at a time..

-I have recently taken up the hobby of gardening... never thought the lawn and garden section of wal-mart would seem like such a wonderland to me... but now i have to be careful about going in there.. i LOVE flowers.

- I fell asleep in the laundry room yesterday... i know that's weird.

- I have a new favorite song. it's called see you soon... playradioplay.

- I have to plan a big trip before october... i have a plane ticket to use.. maybe i'll visit lydia :)

- I sang in a wedding on Sunday.. a song called 'so are you to me' by eastmountainsouth.. my beautiful friend Lauren got married to Seth.. it was lovely... i adore weddings.. especially my friend's weddings.. singing in them is a bonus..

- I plan on buying a better camera soon... memories are slipping by uncaptured... can't have that.

- All of my friends from 247 graduated on Sunday and I'm so proud of them.. they are such catalysts for the next generation.. and it makes me better just to watch how they live their lives.. serving and loving.. whenever they can.. i aspire.. and on a positive.. i'll get to hang out with a lot of them quite a bit more often this summer.. some of them I won't see for a while..

-Katy's dad found a snake on our front porch last weekend.. and i'm not happy about it.. in fact... i might even have a bad attitude about the stupid snake... i hate anything that slithers.. creeps.. crawls...

-had a run-in with a ferocious cockroach the other night in the bathroom when i was brushing my teeth.... i mean it was the size of a small pet.. and my weapon of choice? a shampoo bottle... i'm pretty sure God is trying to prepare me for a future in missions by getting me used to being under the attack of vermin and rodents of every species... like the alien moth that tried to abduct me and my friends the other night... it was as big as a terradactyl.

- I found a big brown spider crawling on one of my favorite shirts when i pulled it out of my closet on saturday.. post flip-0ut.. i went after it with one of my flipflops.. but the little trickster crawled into the pocket of my shirt.. so i had to kill it while it was inside the pocket and then dump it out. ick.. then, i wore the shirt. that spider is not the boss of me.

-OMG.. would you believe a mouse just shot out from underneath my desk right in the middle of typing this blog and sent me screaming through the church for someone to help me... then two of NLC's manliest and most heroic pastors, mark pagley and tye hefner, tried to shoo him out of my desk with an umbrella and a guitar stand... this was a mighty effort.. but the mouse was so afraid of them that it wouldn't come out. so now the mouse is occupying my desk.. i have relocated::.. and will remain so until that mouse is toast.. (sick)

katy.. i'm glad you're home

2009-05-22T23:07:00.000-07:00

this is one of my best friends katy... we live together now.. and i love her like a blood relative.. she's the kind of person you just want to be around... we shared a room in college for an entire year and never even exchanged a cross look.. let alone a sarcastic remark or even a frustrated comment.. i wonder if two roommates have ever gotten along as swimmingly.. and when i say we shared a room.. i mean we had bunkbeds.. she had the top... i had the bottem..we were in school housing on academic scholarships... so while bunkbeds are in no way form or fashion.. an acceptable sleeping arrangement for anyone over the age of 11.. at least the bunkbed was free.. any way... i love her to death and couldn't be more stoked that we are living together again...

since we moved in at the beginning of the month.. we haven't gotten to hang out that much... . both of our lives have actually been pretty non-stop lately... and with all the kris allen shenanigans that have been so extraordinarily monopolizing our tuesday and wednesday nights (congrats kris!).. we really haven't been able to spend much time together... but today.. for the first time in a while it feels like our lives might actually coincide a little bit more often.. this afternoon she came home and i just happened to be home too... so we got to hang out... and we just laid in her room and talked for hours... about God and what's going on in our hearts.. and maybe we cried a little.. it was like the deepest possible breath of fresh air.. in and out...

i love you katy... i've missed you..

function..

2009-05-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

lately i've been thinking about and talking to God a lot about the purpose for which he created me.. why am i in this earth? what is my function? which part of the body am i? when i dream about my future in ministry.. i dream about worship.. i feel at home when i'm up there singing to God.. so when i dream.. i dream about spending all my time leading multitudes of free sons and daughters with one heart and one mind.. to the throne room of the most high.. in every nation..

i currently get to lead worship every week.. sometimes several times a week.. which works out great because that is my favorite way to serve.. i feel like i was made to sing to God.. and teach others how to do the same.. the Lord has set me free... and i want to see everyone else set free as well.. but right now.. as i'm getting settled into my administrative job at new life.. i'm learning more and more that sometimes God asks us to do things that we're not good at... and God didn't necessarily design me to do the sort of tasks that i do day in and day out... now, he has most certainly made me capable of doing them.. but as time goes on and i spend my days behind this desk.. i realize that i am not designed for this sort of work... it's like using a pearl necklace as a bookmark.. or playing tennis with a ping-pong paddle.. it is functional.. it might even get the job done.. but the pearl necklace and the ping pong paddle were intended for something else... they function better in a different setting.. (maybe these weren't the best analogies.. but i was coming up short)

I am not at all posting this blog to complain.. in fact, let me just take a minute to praise God for the opportunity of working at New Life.. i absolutely love working for this church.. i always want to work in the house of the lord... no question there.. with that said.. the Lord is really challenging me with this job.. before i took on my position with new life.. i would have described myself as the least administrative person on planet earth.. my brain works in a sporadic series of colors, pictures, and song lyrics.... and this job requires my brain to think in terms of lists, spreadsheets, contact information, and mass emails... needless to say, i mess up a lot.. and it taxes every ounce of brain power that i can come up with to stay focused on the things i do throughout the day.. because my brain just doesn't work that way...

but God is faithful.. and he uses the people around me to encourage me to know that God has trusted me with this job for a reason.. and He believes I can do it.. even though i'm not the most administrative person.. that doesn't mean i can't learn how to be.. we are all capable of learning to do things we couldn't do before.. and a very wise person with a brain similar to mine once told me that even creative people need to learn to be organized and administrative... it makes for a very efficient and effective creative mind... one of the best kinds of minds :)

so it turns out that the difficult parts of this job are simply making me better.. i love that. and when the tasks seem menial and mundane.. i can just know that i am working for the Lord.. and not for men... and one day.. in the right timing.. the Lord will trust me with the purpose he had in mind when he crafted me together with my strengths and weaknesses... until then.. i will work at whatever i do with all my heart..

Colossians 3:23-24

"whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.."

trusting always..

blame it on this southern weather...

2009-05-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

it looks like rain again today... and i wonder if it will ever stop. not that i don't like rain... i like it a lot actually... but usually because of the sound it makes on the roof... and the way it looks as it collides with the window panes.. and for the simple reason that rain usually requires that you stay inside relax.... read a good book, watch movies.. s-l-e-e-p... and all those things are wonderful... but as much as i love all that stuff.. i think i've had my fill for now.. i'm ready to go outside (without messing up my shoes i muddy puddles)... the backyard of my new house has been calling my name ever since we moved in almost 2 weeks ago... but i need a canoe to get out to the back fence.. and why do i want to venture to the back fence?? because that 's where the tire swings are.. and i don't have a canoe.. bummer. so until the sun shows any signs of sticking around long enough to dry up all the rain... we will just have to stick to enjoying the parts of the house that are functional, rain or shine. like the front porch..

and friends, let me just say... that the front porch almost makes up for the fact that the weather has been so unbearably monotonous lately.. it is probably my favorite feature of the house.. it makes me completely and perfectly and incandescently happy.. if my car is parked out front, i promise that you can either find me in my room or on the front porch swing... i love that thing.. a couple of nights ago we had people over for one of the first times since we moved in.. it was quite picturesque... we pulled every chair in the house out to the front porch and all sat around the porch swing... telling stories and laughing non-stop.. actually, we did that in just about every room in the house.. but we got started on the porch :) ... and later on we had iced sweet tea in mason jars (complete with homegrown mint leaves from the front flower bed).. so cute :) it was a good start to the many, many good times we will have on oliver street this summer.. so stay tuned... as soon as it stops raining... i'll tell you about the badminton tournament in the back yard.. and the BBQ on the back deck.. and the smores around the fire pit.. and the outdoor dancing... and the fireflies ...

some pictures from that night...

the newly engaged rachel and seth.... :)

playing and singing...

i did a little reading on the side of my starbucks cup...

2009-05-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

The Way I See It #141

"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then i realized you just say, "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And the possibility is worth that one word."

--Augusten Burroughs

kangaroo journal...

2009-05-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

last night was my first night in the house on oliver street... i finally got my furniture arranged how i like it all my picture frames in place and the curtains up... the place starting to look more like me... and feel less like an empty house.. eventually i'll stop referring to it as the house on oliver street and start actually calling it home... not for awhile though.. eventually.. but i do love it there... it's quite a charming little house.. it's definitely got something :)

as i was getting ready for work this morning... in my new bedroom.. sitting at my same dresser mirror.. putting on my same make up and fixing my hair the same way i always do.. i felt different.. it seems like sometimes, I can just tell the atmosphere has shifted.. something has changed.. even if only ever-so-slightly... the page has been turned and i am not the same person i was, even yesterday.. i have found a new beginning.. which is convenient because i just used the last page of my journal.. time for a new one! (i love getting new journals..)

a while back.. one of my bf's becca gave me a journal with a kangaroo on it... it's completely cute.. it was an early going away present for australia.. i have had it sitting on my dresser since she gave it to me.. even after australia fell through the cracks for january... i left it there so i wouldn't forget about australia... and so i wouldn't forget to think outside the box.. i promised myself i would write in it the day my feet met the australian soil... but recently i wondered if i shouldn't go ahead and use the journal.. after all, i need a new one... and that one is just sitting there collecting dust.. so friday when i was moving into the new house.. becca was sitting in my room while i sifted through the boxes of my life... i asked her what she thought.. should i use the journal now? or wait and see if i ever go to australia??

she picked it up and opened the cover... i had completely forgotten about the note she'd written me inside on the first few pages... she sat on my bed and silently read the note she'd written... and followed by saying.. 'you should definitely wait... and you should definitely re-read the note inside...' i said okay and kept unpacking...

yesterday before elevation... i was reading my bible on my bed and found something that i wanted to journal about... so i went for the kangaroo journal to see if i wanted to use it... i opened the cover and read the note inside.. as i sat there and read what she'd written so many months ago... huge tears began to well up in my eyes... it wasn't because she'd written about australia.. and i was sad that i didn't get to go.. in fact, she barely mentioned australia.. she mainly talked about how much of a dreamer i am.. and about how God loves that about me.. He made me to be the kind of daughter who believes in Him for big things... and dreams the dreams of His kingdom... and as i sat there reading.. i felt like i'd forgotten how to be that person.. and my chest began to ache.. it was the strangest thing.. literal heart-ache.. i felt like i had let the part of my heart that only knows how to dream.. completely shut itself off in fear of not seeing it's endeavors come to fruition.. i think the jolt from not getting to go to australia caused me to put up some walls.... and ignore a major part of who i am.. reading that note from becca reminded me that that part of me was even there... and not only was it there.. but it was neglected and suffocating... and i didn't even realize.

so i've decided to wait... and not use the kangaroo journal until... later. i still believe that God is faithful... so i'm not sure what dreams coming true looks like... but i know i'll find out.. because "i am still confident of this: i will see the goodness of my lord in the land of the living.." ps 27:13 ...And until then.. I'm going to dream again.. and use the part of my heart that aches... i'm no good if i'm not using all of my heart..

a panoramic memory..

2009-04-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

this post will probably bore you to death... lo ciento amigos. it's just a quick snapshot of the room i grew up in before i move out of my parent's house.. you know. spread my wings. learn to fly.. etc.

enough.

2009-04-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

grace.. it is available to all of us. we do not have to be perfect because God's grace is sufficient in us.. there is not one thing on God's green earth that i could do to earn God's love and approval.. and there is not one thing i could do to ever lose it. i have it. period. he loves me exactly how i am right now. and even though this is a truth that i can spout off in my sleep... i usually feel like i'm not enough.. like in need to strive. try harder to be better. i feel like i'm not healthy enough or smart enough. or wise enough. or i don't love people enough. or i don't use my time efficiently enough trying to become more of the things i just mentioned. and here is the one that has been really getting me lately.. i don't feel like i'm focused enough.. i feel like i have spiritual A.D.D. or something... i know that God is the only thing i need to be concerned with.. so why am i so concerned with EVERYTHING else.. my brain so easily veers off onto other mental tangents that have nothing to do with seeking God with my whole heart.. and i feel distracted.. and i feel ineffective.. and i get so down on myself about it.. because i feel like my inability to focus is such a weakness... and while that is true. it is a weakness.. the Lord showed me today that i don't give myself the same grace that he gives me so freely...

i was sitting in church today and we are in a series called ransom.. it's all about the grace of God... as i was sitting there listening to darren preach about the grace God has for us.. i began to think like this (writing in my journal): yeah, sure God has grace for me.. and when i feel like i'm doing well in my walk with God, i readily accept it.. but when i'm not focused and i can't seem to love Him the way he deserves.. it doesn't matter if God has grace for me.. because i can't feel it... and i'm lacking peace and rest... so here is what i gather... i wonder if the battle is not against figuring out how to accept God's grace, but against figuring out how to have grace for myself.. God accepts me even though i'm not enough.. so why can't i accept myself for not being enough... i think that the concept of grace from God is an easier one to grasp than the concept of having grace for myself.. because of course God has grace for me.. he's God.. he has the capacity to love me me unconditionally.. I, on the other hand, do not have the capacity to love myself unconditionally.. consequently... i feel like i'm not enough.. most of the time.. (i think this can be pretty common in everyone.. girls especially.. the whole "i'm not enough" problem.. and for the record.. i do believe this idea comes from our adversary.. he thinks he's so clever)

i know for a fact that i don't have to EARN my place in the arms of my jesus... but a lot of the time it's like that doesn't matter to me bc i have certain standards that i have to meet in order to earn my own approval... i know the truth.. i know the lord is standing there with open arms saying 'come to me you weary one.. approach my throne of grace with confidence.. i have given you weaknesses so that you would need me.. i want you to come to me' .. i'm the one who says 'nope i've got to get my act together over here... i know you have grace for me but i'm not going to take it because in my opinion... i don't love you enough so i don't deserve your rest.. i can't even stay focused on you these days.. why would you want to give me grace? i'm not coming to you right now.. no-sir-re-bob.. so what i'm going to do is stay over here and try harder not to be so weak.. beat myself up over the fact that i can't stay focused.. check twitter a few more times.. go for a run... and then maybe try to read my bible... and pray for awhile.. and then when i feel like i've done enough.. i might accept your grace.. but not until i've earned it."

today the lord showed me that that mindset is a huge hinderance to me.. because it is such a prideful one.. when we are hard on ourselves like that.. and we don't have any grace for ourselves... we are fastening ourselves to a self-righteous guilt that God only wants to relieve us from.. after all... when we lay our weaknesses at the feet of Jesus... he makes himself strong inside of us.. and then his spirit propels us forward and helps us improve in the areas we were trying to improve on our own... 2 timothy 1:7 says that God is the one who gives us a spirit of self-discipline.. we can't come up with it on our own.. so we might as well bring our feeble and un-focused minds to him.. and let him do the work..

i cant do anything without the holy spirit.. i need him to even know that i need him... if i didn't i wouldn't forget over and over again that it's okay to be weak.. i wonder if that makes sense.. anyway.. the word of God says that i should approach the throne of grace [the throne of freely given and unmerited love] with confidence.. i can have confidence in my weaknesses.. because if i wasn't weak.. i wouldn't be coming to the throne of God for grace... who needs unmerited love if you're not weak? God has a purpose for even our weaknesses.. so instead of being hard on myself for not being enough... i will boast about it.. i'm not enough! im not. im never going to be enough.. i can't believe i ever.. even if only in my subconscious.. thought i could be enough.. of course i'm not..... but Christ in me will always be enough... always. so instead of striving for the unattainable .. i pray that i strive for him.. Christ is my only goal.. he's the prize.. :)

african zebras and oliver street...

2009-04-22T09:29:00.001-07:00

Hello all... this post will be brief, yet monumental. the first order of business i must attend to is that i want to welcome my friends in 247 back from changing the world in africa.. i've heard that there were something like 7,000 salvations won for the kingdom on that trip via the world changing 247missions teams... and all i can say about that is w.o.w... its amazing what can be done in one month through willing laborers... all that hard work in preparation more than paid off... so blessing and honor and glory to the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY... precious lives in africa have been forever changed in the name of Jesus :) and it is so good to have all of you back home.. you were dearly missed..

now, another important order of business.. i want to introduce to you the wood carved zebra that audra brought back for me from Africa.. i have been wanting a wood-carved african zebra ever since my sister brought me home a wood-carved african giraffe last summer.. (idk why the giraffe made me want a zebra..) anyway now i have one! thankyou SO MUCH audra.. i love him so much i gave him a pearl necklace.. still trying to decide what to name him.. hmm...

And last, but MOST CERTAINLY not least... the picture below features the house i will be moving into with my two good friends katy and erika... in (count them) 2 WEEKS!!! I am so excited i can hardly stand it.. i have ALWAYS wanted to live in a cute little old house just like this one (it was built in 1937!).. and now i'm going to.. and it's my very first house! (i'm moving out of my parent's house for the first time aside from campus housing at UCA.. they'll be empty nesters so if you see them give them a big hug and tell them it's going to be okay).. basically what i'm saying is... we have a front porch swing (perfect for rainy days) and a back deck (complete with a fire-pit hand crafted by our landlord cory cangelosi) and not one, but 2 tire swings... a plum tree, and blackberries that grow along the back fence... what does all this mean??? it means the most perfect summer ever.. come over whenever you want.. we will invite you in for a big glass of sweet tea.. and the kitchen is perfect for dancing :)

our little house on Oliver street... home sweet home :)

Joseph and Effie...

2009-04-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

I went for my usual run today in the grave yard across the highway from where my parents live.. and before you think i'm weird and creepy, i'll say that running in a cemetary is not as strange as it sounds.. it's actually a beautiful place if you can get past the fact that there are hundreds of deceased people resting in peace just beneath the surface of the ground... and since that obviosly doesn't bother me.. i run there often. i love all the old trees and the colors of the flowers that paint the field of gravestones and all the white statues of angels.. there are cows grazing the grasses of the field just over the barbed wire fence on the other side of the cemetary.. and there is a little old white church across the highway from the graveyard that has probably been there for at least a hundred years.. it really is a lovely place.. i like running there.. plus i like the fact that i know one time around is a half mile so it's easy to keep up with how much i've run...

today when i finished up my last mile, i decided to take a look at some of the graves near the front of the cemetary.. because the ones near the front are the oldest.. and i came across the joint grave stone of Joesph and Effie McNutt.. the center of the old grey stone read "together forever".. and i thought to myself.. what a beautiful idea.. this couple was buried together here beneath this old oak tree.." Then I looked closer at the dates listed on the stone.. He was born in 1872 and he died in 1933... and she was born in 1873 and died in 1976.. so she lived without him for 40 something years.. and that is such a long time to be without the man you married... and the thought of that made me sad.. I wondered what her life must have been like after he was gone.. and the challenges she must have faced.. Effie endured 40 years as a widow until she herself passed as well and was laid to rest next to her joseph beneath the oak tree...

i know this post has been sappy and sentimental.. but seeing that gravestone caught my heart off guard.. i think the reason i think this is so sad is because one of my very favorite things to see is elderly couples who still love each other after all the years gone by... you've seen them.. they're the ones holding hands in wal-mart.. and the ones who sit really close to each other on the park bench at the walking trail.. they have lived their lives together and grown old together side by side.. it's beautiful.. so i really dislike the idea of someone having to grow old alone.. but still, it was a sight to behold, seeing their names together on the stone... Joseph and Effie.. beneath the script "together forever"

shel silverstein....

2009-04-09T13:08:00.000-07:00

when i was a little girl i would sit for hours and throw my head back laughing at shel silverstein poems... i love them still... i think it's because they are so reflective of the magic inside of a child's imagination... so today i've been reading some of my favorites online... i'll share :)

“If you are a dreamer, come in. If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hoper, a prayer, a magic-bean-buyer. If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, for we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in!”

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”

Where The Sidewalk Ends...

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

some good advice from paul..

2009-04-08T09:35:00.001-07:00

"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care --then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand...

Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light-giving Message into the night..."

Philippians 2:1-4, 14

surprise...

2009-03-31T20:27:00.000-07:00

My mom just walked into my room with these little puppies.. that's right. they're push-up bars.. she picked them up at the store today.. watch out world.. i'm about to be SO FINE..

just call me predictable patty..

2009-03-30T13:28:00.000-07:00

that's right.. i filled this thing out... even though i had good intentions of NOT filling it out because my girl cec said i would... not to mention it's a mile long.. o well..

Callie-ology

What is your salad dressing of choice?

rasberry vinaigrette or balsamic vinaigrette... and if those aren't available.. i go for whichever one has the least calories.. who wants a to eat a salad coated with a zillion calories?? not this girl.

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?

hmmm... sit-down restaurant? are there 'stand-up' restaurants? my fav would probably be any seafood restaurant located on the beach... i'll have the grilled tilapia with a side of steamed veggies.. and i'll be wearing a sundress.. and after i want to go for icecream... :)

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?

i eat special K with yogurt and berries every morning... and it never gets old... unless there is no vanilla soy milk in the fridge.. in which case that stuff tastes like shredded cardboard...

What are your pizza toppings of choice.

some combination of vegetables usually... or spinach and chicken.

TECHNOLOGY

How many televisions are in your house?

hmm.. let me count them 1,2,3,4... there are 4. but ask me how many of them i watch... that would be a big z.e.r.o. unless you count american idol (go kris allen!)... but i usually watch that with a bunch of my friends in town.. (did i mention that i live out of town.. i do)

What color cell phone do you have?

pink...

BIOLOGY

Are you right-handed or left-handed?

right..

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?

about a quarter-inch of the bone from my right forearm... it's a long story, but i have a killer scar from the whole ordeal...

What is the last heavy item you lifted?

two enormous decorative vases.. we used them to decorate for an event in the NLC foyer... i carried them back to their home in the hallway.. (they probably aren't heavy to normal people, but i am a bit of a weakling when it comes to lifting things..)

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?

no but i passed out once when i gave blood... don't ever give blood, people.. it ruins your life.. unless of course you have one of those rare blood types and you're the only person on the planet that can save a dying child's life.. in which case.. why are you sitting here reading blogs? get your butt to the hospital and give blood... but eat a cookie first.. or you will pass out cold.. which is embarrassing.. take my word..

BULLCRAPOLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

my initial reaction is no... but have you ever seen the movie big fish?? it makes a great point.. if you know the day you're going to die.. you can take part in as many reckless activities as you want between now and then, and know you will live through them all.. right up until that fateful day.. like smuggling bibles into the most dangerous, Godless parts of the world and such...

If you could change your name what would you change it to?

hmm.. well, i definitely would never change my first or middle name.. i love the name callie alise.. and since my last name will be changing at some point.. i don't have any specifications other than that it must be an upgrade from my current last name.. i rather like being a Bezet.. so hopefully my new name will be just as wonderful.. and i'm sure it will be..

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?

one thousand dollars? absolutely.. hot sauce comes in small bottles.. and i'm super tough.

DUMBOLOGY

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?

one zillion x's π ... i really need to get rid of a lot of them... anybody need some flip flops?

Last time you had a run in with the cops?

a run in? i saw some cops at the gas station the other night?

Last person you talked to?

Chros O, Josh Hoover, Mel Amrine... i don't remember who was last...

Last person you hugged?

My dad.. he gets a hug everyday before i leave for work :)

FAVORITOLOGY

Season?

Usually whatever season is taking place at the time... but ultimately it is SPRING.. because of all the flowers and it just feels like a new beginning...summer is great too because i am obsessed with the beach and laying out.. and fall is probably the most beautiful idea God ever had... really i like all the seasons that allow me to be outside without freezing to death... so i will take this opportunity to say that winter ruins my life every year starting January 2.. (i love cold weather during the holidays.. but the day they're over.. it's time for spring.. but i think i'd LOVE winter if i lived in colorodo)

Holiday?

arbor day.. i love trees :) okay, really it's christmas.. but that's not very original is it.. i also love halloween, don't judge me.

Day of the week?

FRIDAY!!

Month?

hmmm... i do have a favorite month. it's april.

CURRENTOLOGY

Missing someone?

Lydia.. and all my world-changing friends in 247..

Mood?

sleepy.. but i'm about to fix that with a run.. i do love endorphins..

What are you listening to?

hillsong... go figure.

Watching?

nothing.... but i have good intentions of watching pride and prejudice tonight :) my mother rented it last week and i want to watch it before it goes back...

Worrying about?

"who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?"

DEPENDS-OLOGY

Do you always answer your phone?

i've gotten better... but no.. usually never.

It's four in the morning and you get a text message. Who is it?

nobody in their right mind... text at 4am if you want to encounter the worst possible version of callie bezet...

If you could change your eye color what would it be?

well.. my eyes change colors on their own... from green to hazel.. and sometimes they look brown.. so the answer to this one is that i wouldn't... because i would look crazy with blue eyes and all the other colors are already available to me..

What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?

nothing... i want sweet tea... carbonated drinks will kill you slowly.. unless you are at a movie.. then you can get a diet coke and you will be fine.

Do you own a digital camera?

yes. but it goes through batteries like they're goin outta style.. so everytime i go to use it.. the batteries are dead... it's sad really... so many uncaptured memories.. *sigh*

Have you ever had a pet fish?

um.. not of my very own... i don't want one.. you can't hold a fish... might as well have a plant.

What's on your birthday wish list?

umm... i don't really have a b-day wish list.. but if we can pretend for a minute.. i really need a new ipod.. i have a nano from 3 years ago and it only fits 1000 songs.. which stinks.. ipod nanos are for the birds...

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?

excited! the best is yet to come!

Do you have any saved texts?

no.. out with the old.. in with the new :)

Ever been in a car wreck?

a couple of fender benders... but nothing serious praise God..

Do you have an accent?

well.. i don't usually think so.. not until i listen to a recording of myself speaking.. and then the answer is YES.. bad. but when i travel i usually get asked if i'm from texas.. the answer is no. i've been to texas like twice. I'm an arkansas girl.. born and raised...

What is the last song to make you cry?

i haven't cried because of a song recently...

Plans tonight?

yes.. i have a list (apparently i'm a list maker):

go for a run (it's a beautiful day)

spend time with my Jesus (yes, i put that on my list even tho it's a given)

clean the bathroom... maybe even some laundry...

maybe coffee break to see some friends..

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

hmm... yeah i think so.. it was right before the Lord healed my life... i'll never forget what life was like before grace and freedom...

Name 3 things you bought yesterday?

umm.. i split a pizza with becca.. that count? i get paid in 2 weeks... praise the LORD..

Have you ever been given roses?

yes but i'd rather get daffodils or tulips... or daisies.. or a bouquet of sharpened pencils :)

Current hate right now?

on a more serious note... i hate seeing perfectly beautiful daughters of God struggle with insecurity and self doubt.. drives me nuts.

Met someone who changed your life?

of course.. especially recently..

What song represents you?

hmmm......

Name three people who might complete this:

i don't think anyone else will... the people prone to do this kind of thing have already done it :)

Would you go back in time if given a chance?

i like this question... the answer is yes... on one condition.. i would want to be able to keep all the wisdom i've gained thus far in life... and then i'd probably do it all again... but if i had to go back and do it all again without knowing what i know now.. the answer would be no.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?

yes..

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?

all signs point to.... i have no idea...

Would you be a pirate?

would i be one? YES... i already am one.. but not the kind that sails the 7 seas with an eyepatch and a peg leg... i'm what you might call a pirate of music... music piracy isn't stealing.. it's sharing .. and sharing is caring :)

What songs do you sing in the shower?

haha.. everything.. i do my best singing in the shower.. albeit embarrassingly loud... as my family likes to inform me when i get out... i sing whatever is stuck in my head... there's ALWAYS a song stuck in my head.. most recent shower song: 'day is dimming' by Brooke Fraser.

Ever had someone sing to you?

dear future husband somewhere out there... this question is dedicated to you..

When did you last cry?

umm.. i don't usually cry often.. but last night i got teary eyed at something that is happening currently in Aurora's life... also, last week i cried at the movie 'he's just not that in to you..' i must have been having a super emotional day that day.. or something.

Do you like to cuddle?

yes... but i think this is a dumb question..

Have you held hands with anyone today?

um. no.

Who was the last person you took a picture of?

ummm.... probably myself.. i was playing with photo booth on my mac.. that never gets old to me.. i still laugh at every crazy-looking picture... everytime.

What kind of music did you listen to in Elementary school?

things like phil collins, wilson phillips, garth brooks, whitney houstin, brooks&dunn, hanson, mariah carey, boyz II men, etc... i was awesome.

Do you believe in staying close with your ex's?

umm... i never have.. and i don't think it's a good idea.. not fair to your future husby or wifey...

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?

most of my closest friends i've come to know over the past 4 years... is that new or old?

Do you like pulpy orange juice?

ew... no way jose...

What is something your friends make fun of you for?

hmm..... my friends don't really make fun of me... maybe my lame dance moves?

What is something you're saving your money up for right now?

i need new speakers in my car.. mine are busted.. i also need new running shoes... mine are almost shot.

When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?

iiii... don't remember. but i had a banana w/ peanut butter about 30 minutes ago.

What were you doing at 12 am last night?

reading... no.. maybe playing my piano... idk which it was but i did both before i went to sleep at around 1:30

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?

i don't remember... yes i do.. i'm just not going to tell you (i'm so mysterious)..

sing and play...

2009-03-27T20:11:00.000-07:00

i grew up to the sound of a my dad's low voice humming a melody just over the quiet music of his old spanish acoustic guitar.. one of the most soothing sounds imaginable.. i love to hear my dad sing and play... he sings like an angel and taught himself how to play.. but my dad's not one of those guys that gets out his guitar in large groups of people so everybody can hear him be talented.. he's more prone to play when he thinks nobody's listening..

i can remember sitting in my dad's lap when i was probably about 4 years old and having him pick out various songs on the guitar at my request so i could sing along while he played.. you know.. classics like mary had a little lamb and ring around the rosie... and my dad would just play and sing with me.. i wish i had it on video... it's one of my favorite memories..

and when i was about the age of 5 until i was.. maybe 10? my dad was in a band.. i actually have a lot of childhood memories sitting at tables with my mom and sister in a bars sipping on shirley temples with cherries in the bottom (no alcohol.. duh) and clapping for my daddy after every song.. his band was called 'the hole in the wall gang'.. i still don't know what that name means.. anyway, it was my dad and two of his friends steve and joebob.. they sang a bunch of old songs.. the other two guys usually sang lead while my dad sang low harmony.. but my dad always sang brown eyed girl. and it was my song because back then i had brown eyes (i think they're hazel now.. but my driver's license says green.. hm.)... and every time they played that song i felt like a princess because they were playing it for me :) also.. my dad played base.. i always thought that the base was really cool because it looked cooler on stage than the acoustic guitars the other two guys were playing... it was red.. and more hardcore :) as far as i was concerned my dad was a rockstar.. haha... anyway.. i digress.. my dad is musical and i love it..

right now i live at home with my parents.. (im thinking of moving out into a little house in downtown conway with my old roommate katy pretty soon.. which i am VERY excited about.. stay tuned for more details in that arena) but living at home definitely has its perks.. one being free groceries and no rent... another being that at any given time of day.. my dad can be heard throughout the house singing and playing his guitar.. the mellow background music of my life :) one time he was alone in the living room and i don't think he knew i was listening from around the corner.. i heard him playing and singing the song "you make me feel like a natural woman" by the great Aretha Franklin.. haha.. cutest thing ever! anyway.. hearing my dad sing makes me smile.. it's something i'll always love about him..

3 days...

2009-03-25T12:01:00.001-07:00

so today brings the lovely miniature spring break i've been blessed with to a close... and it has been MOST beneficial.. i've mainly just hung out by myself a lot.. i don't do that much because i'm such a people person.. but sometimes i just need to allow the pace of life to come to a crashing halt so i find some time to be alone.. plus i don't mind my own company :) it's been a quiet 3 days... the lord is at work within me.. and the changes he is making are most welcome... i've been praying for awhile now that God would give me a fresh revelation of who He is and what he's doing on the earth.. and he has done just that.. of course my paradigms are still in the process of shifting.. but considering how much higher God's ways are than mine.. i imagine my paradigms should constantly be in motion.. shifting more and more towards a better understanding, and therefore a more accurate embodiment of sacrificial love and the awesome power of the Lord... it's about time i start looking and thinking more like someone who knows what those things are... or at least someone who's trying to figure it out... i'm also trying to figure out what it means to be meek.. like.. not just to appear meek.. but to actually BE meek.. i honestly don't know if i am meek or not... but i want to be because it is the meek who will one day inherit the earth... so i'm going to learn more about it :) what a gracious and merciful God we serve.. i am, no doubt, a slow learner.. but he is so patient with me.. i am so thankful for the way the lord desires to let us in on his mysteries.. it makes life oh so exciting :)

carried away...

2009-03-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

I have literally just sat outside all day listening to the birds singing and taking in the glory of this beautiful sunshine.. i started off with some coffee (which always involves my good friend mr. fagaly.. well his face anyway)... and then i got carried away sharing secrets with my lord... and taking the time to do things that i normally don't. like drawing. i love to draw.. i've promised myself i'd do it more often.. even if it's just something simple and really quick. it makes me feel more like me.. when i get too busy to do the things i love.. i start to feel like someone else..

so today is just about me and God... and it never fails... the lord has been messing with my heart.. and i'm trying hard to listen.. and hear him clearly... i can't tell yet what he is trying to do with me or what is coming next... but my steps are ordered..

"lord i belong to you.. i want to be who you created me to be.. why would i ever want to be anyone else? have your way."

mr. fagaly

something simple :)

by the way...

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 4:4-7

Fleetwood...

2009-03-18T19:36:00.001-07:00

attention ladies and gents.. i am SO excited to announce that i am now the proud owner of a new macbook!! i named it fleetwood.. i'm hoping you are clever enough to guess for yourself why i named it that... i'm a big fan of cheesy puns.. (cheesy puns? sounds like some sort of a grossly unhealthy snackfood) anyway.. i've wanted a mac for a long time... so let me tell you for a second how faithful God is. God has really been showing me lately that he genuinely does care about the little things in our lives.. and he really does consider everything we do..

the Lord promises us in Matthew 7 that when we ask for something.. it will be given to us.. i feel like it's important that i emphasize the fact that we really can ask him for ANYTHING.. and if it's in his will.. he really does give it to us.. because he's got the heart of a Father... and fathers.. dads.. really desire to provide for their children.. it's natural to them.. dad's are providers... and one step further... dad's love to bless their children... the bible says "your father knows what you need before you ask him..." he also knows what we want before we ask him... and i believe it's his desire to give us those things.. scripture says that God gives good gifts to those who ask.. but rest assured... he will do it in his own way.. and in his own timing...

this year all i wanted for Christmas was a mac computer... i mainly wanted it because i was going to be going to australia at the beginning of the year and i wanted to be able to ichat with my friends from the other side of the world.. so i asked God if he'd get me a mac.. in fact.. i made a list of everything i would need to go to australia and began to pray that God would provide.. and the list was really long and a lot of the things on it were unnecessary (like sperrys and stella perfume.. thanks erin)... anyway.. the point is... i asked God for both things that i needed.. and things that i simply wanted... and today.. 4 months later.. i crossed the last thing off of the list.. this mac... and the cool thing is i didn't have to pursue obtaining any of it.. it was all given to me as a gift.. or as a part of my new job.. like this mac.. so.. while i am not currently in australia, nor do i have a clue what the future holds... its just amazing to me how God blesses my heart by taking care of the little details of my life... it just proves that he's SO faithful.. and he really is a God who considers everything we do...

Psalm 33:13-15 (New International Version)

¹³ From heaven the LORD looks down
and sees all mankind;

¹⁴ from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth-

¹⁵ he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.

AND.. just for the record... the word 'consider' means to think about something deliberately or carefully; to reflect... the Lord thinks deliberately and carefully about everything we do... he's not too busy.. he doesn't have better things to do... He's God.. so there's no sense in wasting time trying to wrap our minds around whether or not it's possible for God to care about the small details of our lives.. we can just take it as truth and stand on it :)

MEANWHILE, on a less serious note.. today i made a video blog because i wanted to play with my new computer.. SO.. this is a semi-boring glimpse into what my day looks like as the Office Coordinator at New Life Church GLR... except for today was sort of a slow day.. i recorded this in the late afternoon when there wasn't much to do.. so it's not actually a very accurate depiction of what my day is like... nevertheless.. here ya go!

erin...

2009-03-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

there aren't very many relationships in life comparable to the relationship shared between sisters.. best friends come close.. but there is something different about having someone in your life that has been there at every milestone you've ever passed.. she's closer than a best friend.. she just knows you.. she can read the expression on your face just by hearing the tone in your voice over the phone.. and she can tell the difference between your fake smile and the smile that starts in your heart... she's watched you grow.. helped you conquer life's challenges.. she's seen you at your best and she's seen you at your VERY VERY worst.. she's laughed and shared in the happiest of memories.. and she's stuck with you through times of loss and brokenness.. and she knows exactly where you're coming from because she came from the same place..

our mom has always called erin and me "daylight and dark" because we are so different.. and i'm really hoping this doesn't carry any implications with it but... for some reason i'm darkness and she gets to be light.. i'm going to believe that it has to do with skin complexion and hair color.. and hopefully nothing else.. hmm.. but we are.. we're quite different.. everything from her bright blue eyes to my dark hazel eyes.. she's blonde and i'm brunette.. she's a genius at math and i can barely add... i love to write poems and songs.. and she loves to hear them ;) and we are different in other ways too.. ever since we were kids i've always kind of been the loud one who got into trouble whenever possible.. and she was always the angel child that all mothers hope and pray for.. and it doesn't matter how much i grow and change over the years.. i really did myself in as a youngster with that smart mouth of mine... i can't seem to shake the reputation of being somewhat of a tough-skinned spit-fire as far as my family is concerned.. but i promise.. no matter what they say.. i am sweet :) and erin will forever be the sensitive and gentle-hearted one.. you can't change that about her.. and no one ever should.. there is fierce strength within her sensitive heart.. and that is a gift.. God uses her to love and prayerfully protect so many of His own.. and she does it faithfully..

its an interesting thing.. growing up alongside a sister who is so much different than i am.. because it's such a natural tendency to look over at her and wonder how on earth we managed to come from exactly the same roots and be so very different in character.. and i think its a beautiful testimony of God's creativity.. he makes us all distinctly unique.. no two the same.. because we are all intended to bring him a different portion of His glory that only WE were designed to retreive.. which is incredible if you really think about it..

i am so thankful that God blessed me with such a beautiful sister to go through life with on this earth.. she is so good at knowing everything about me and still loving me... reminds me of Jesus :)

we are sisters.

we are friends...

"A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost."
~Marion C. Garretty

love you erin :)

freezing cold friday fun night...

2009-03-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

So today has been absolutely wonderful... i started out at work.. which was really great. fridays are my favorite because it's so laid back and i get off at noon... then i went to lunch with my mom.. which is always a treat.. we went to lenny's and she filled me in on all the latest american idol news.. top secret info that she found out by listening in on other people's conversations in the church office... i'd tell you what she said.. but then i'd have to kill you.. so you'll never get it out of me. ALSO a great fact about today is that i got my first pay check (!!) which enabled me to go shopping with one of my bffs and former roommate katy barber.. we went to park plaza mall and tore that sucker UP.. (which means we got heaps of awesome stuff) and it was totally God's favor bc we asked him to help us shop... People... God will go shopping with you.. you just have to ask!

anyway... then later on we came over to the Shatswell's residence.. where i am right now as i post this incredible video from tonight.. i'd like to preface this by saying that it's extremely cold.. something like 37 degrees and its raining outside.. and for some reason.. it feels like the north pole in this house... so we found some creative ways to get warmed up.. we sure do know how to have fun :)

ps.. i apologize for the shakey camera... and any quasi-questionable dancing... we are just keeping it real.

The definition of HOPE

2009-03-09T12:30:00.001-07:00

it's monday night... and i'm sitting at my favorite coffee shop in town surrounded by friends.. all of them from different walks of life.. all of them have a different dream.. all of them are promised a hope and future... and as i sit here in my chair i can't stop thinking about the word hope.. have you ever considered the definition of hope? it is such a common word.. and it is everywhere in the Word of God.. we all talk about hope all the time... especially when it comes to the future... and i can't speak for everyone, but i think i've had the wrong idea of what the word actually stands for.. because i've always seen having hope about the future as just simply being optimistic.. having a positive outlook about life.. and maybe.. (fingers crossed) just maybe God will work things out in my favor... but if he doesn't... i'll just figure out how to be content with whatever happens... but after examining that belief... i'm positive that that view doesn't really line up with what i know about my beloved Jesus... nope. my God says it's safe to hope in Him.. so then what is the real definition of hope? the dictionary will tell you that hope is the feeling that what a person desires will turn out for the best... but the kind of hope described in the bible is more than a feeling.. having hope is more than seeing the glass as half full... i'll explain..

I am doing a beth moore bible study right now called "living beyond yourself" it's about the fruits of the spirit.. and today i started learning about patience.. one translation of the greek word for patience is a word that means endurance.. 1 Tessalonians 1:3 tells us that endurance is inspired by hope.. and there it is the infamous word: HOPE. the ability to persevere is born of hope.. think about it... to persevere means to be relentless in pursuit of a purposed goal... even in the face of opposition.. and the ability to do this comes from hope. there is no way that someone could acquire the strength and motivation to keep going.. and going.. and going... in the midst of wind and rain and trial and tribulation.. from hope.. if hope is just an optimistic feeling... because feelings are fleeting.. and they change like the weather... and they can't be trusted..

i learned today that the Greek word for hope is elpis, and it means the "desire of good with the expectation of obtaining it." EXPECTATION. hope is the expectation of promises fulfilled. there are no 'maybes' involved in hope.. it is not wishful thinking. It is expecting. believing. knowing. KNOWING that the fight is worth it.. no matter what you're facing... or how confused you are by what is or isn't going your way.. you KNOW that the outcome.. though it may be completely beyond your control... will shine with the glory of the Lord.. because He works all things together for the good of those who love Him... to Hope in the Lord is to KNOW His goodness.. and to swear by it.. to brace yourself with that knowledge.. and so we know the Word tells us in psalms to "be strong, take heart, all you who HOPE in the Lord.." but it could also be worded like this... "be strong, take heart, all you who know the Lord comes through on His promises..." and Jeremiah 29:11 says that the Lord's plan is to GIVE us hope for the future... so here is some good news.. we don't have to come up with hope on our own... hope comes from the Lord.. hope is a gift.. the ability to expect the Lord to deliver on his promises is a Gift.. a gift that comes along with being filled with the spirit... hope inspires endurance::patience... so as we wait on the Lord to deliver... he fills us with hope.. which is the knowledge of His faithfulness.. and we are able to smile at the future :)

true:false

2009-03-03T17:40:00.000-08:00

Have you ever questioned whether or not what you are believing at any given moment on any given day.. is true? that question might seem confusing at first so i'm going to try to clarify.. I'm not talking about what you believe about creation.. or angels or demons.. or once-saved, always saved.. yadda yadda.. i'm actually talking about on a day-to-day basis.. the ideals, opinions and beliefs you reference in order to conjure up a reaction to everyday life... the way you perceive things.. what you believe about yourself.. your gifts.. your dreams... your weaknesses... is what you are believing actually TRUE? because the things we believe, whether they be true or false, govern our approach to just about everything: the way we interact with people, the effort we put forth at our job, even our approach to God...

this is SUCH an important concept to have on your radar at all times.. because the enemy is ever-so-tricky.. he's constantly throwing lies in our direction.. and i do mean constantly. if we aren't on our guard.. we'll make an agreement with him.. if we aren't paying attention.. we'll agree to take in a whispered falsehood that he managed to slip into our drink when we weren't looking... and then BAM. before you know it.. the untruth is in you... working itself into the way you think about EVERYTHING.

the only way i know how to further explain what i'm talking about is to tell you why this idea occurred to me in the first place.. a while back i read the book 'walking with God' by john eldridge (this book comes highly recommended by me by the way.. it will do wonders for your ability to hear God's voice telling you which way to go) there is a section in the book where he talks about asking God 2 questions pertaining to your daily walk: Lord, how do I think i'm doing? and Lord, how do YOU think i'm doing?

i have only done this twice.. the first time was the night i read about it in the book.. and i cannot tell you how vital it was for me to ask God to correct my thinking that night.. the way i was believing about myself was giving me a crooked and timid posture towards the Lord.. i'll explain. when i asked God to give me clarity about what I was believing about my daily walk with Him, the words that i sensed he was telling me were distracted and lame. so i went to one of my all-time-favorite websites for further understanding of what the Lord was trying to tell me: dictionary.com. lame means crippled or physically disabled; impaired; weak; inadequate; and unsatisfactory. distracted means having attention diverted; incapable of behaving, reacting, etc. in a normal manner due to worry or remorse. wow.. so, that sounds pretty bad, right? and unfortunately.. it was pretty accurate.. i was hanging my head pretty low at that time.. and my interaction with God was reflective of what i was believing.. i mean, there's no way i was going to be able to approach the throne of God with confidence if i was believing that trash.

so then i asked God to fill me in on how he thought i was doing.. and immediately the words rendered and reciprocated were resounding with my spirit.. i then looked up the definitions of course.. rendered means to be submitted or presented for for approval; to give or make available; to give what is due or owed; to surrender or relinquish; to be yielded. the Lord was telling me that he sees me. he sees my sacrifice and all of the things that i've laid at his feet in order to obey and love Him.. i don't know why.. but there is nothing like the affirmation that comes from knowing God sees you trying.. that he notices you.. immediately my walls came down.. and the barriers that were set in place to keep me from feeling the love of God came crashing down.. the Lord showed me that i'd been walking with my head down.. keeping busy.. and stiff-arming his affections toward me.. all because the enemy had me convinced that i sucked at loving God.. but the definition of the word reciprocated spoke truth into my low opinion of myself. reciprocated means to give or feel in return; to give and receive reciprocally; an interchange.. basically, the Lord let me know that he delights in the way i love Him.. that his heart races at even just one glance from me.. i smile at the thought of that.. even now :)

so that was an awesome interaction with God.. and surprisingly enough, weeks went by.. and i didn't ask God these 2 oh-so-important questions... and of course, the enemy set out to get me again... i was feeling discouraged.. and like so many times before.. i forgot to look around for my accuser..

but the Lord reminded me this weekend to ask Him again: Lord, how do i think i'm doing? The answer: despondent. Despondent? do i even know what that word means? nope. so i looked it up. the definition of despondent is feeling or showing profound hopelessness, dejection, discouragement, or gloom. ick. that's not a good thing to believe.. but there i was, believing it. so then i asked for the truth: God, how do you think i'm doing. His answer: radiant. radiant: emitting rays of light; shining bright; bright with joy, hope, etc; radiant smiles; a radiant future.. man. that is the EXACT opposite of what i was believing.. no surprise there.. stupid satan. and the cool thing about God saying that i am radiant is that (i realized this the next day after flipping back through a few weeks of my journal) last week i prayed that the Lord would make me radiant.. i actually took a verse that ben ghormley wrote for the song we are singing in a wedding this weekend and wrote it in my journal like a prayer:

make me radiant

without blemishes

i wanna be your blameless bride

pure and innocent

in your righteousness

i wanna meet you dressed in white...

anyway.. the lord was answering my prayer.. calling me the very thing that i had asked him to make me.. and immediately.. my wrong posture was corrected. my confidence was restored...

so.. ALL THIS (i realize this is a seriously long post) to say that it is so vital to ask the Lord to correct our wrong thinking.. we have to ask him to let us know if we are believing things that are false.. and counting them as true.. because the enemy is going to do what he can to shatter your confidence.. and if you are believing God's heart towards you to be anything less than "i love you daughter (son).. you are radiant with my light.. your life is my priority... " then maybe you should consider the source of your belief..

"No wepon formed against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me," declares the LORD.

Isaiah 54:7

when things slow down..

2009-02-27T13:58:00.000-08:00

you know what.. sometimes you just need a nap. i hardly ever take naps because when im not working.. i always have something else i'd rather be doing than sleeping.. like reading or writing.. or music... or spending time with a friend i haven't seen in a while.. or riding my bike or just figuring out ways to be outside in general.. but it feels like for the past two weeks i've just been running around nonstop with my mind sort of 10 paces ahead of me at all times.. and today is the first time i've had the chance in a while to c.h.i.l.l.... and its been nice.. i've had time to stop and take in the daffodils.. and open the sunroof of my car... ah yes, my car.. it seems that having my car back is the key to having life move at a more manageable pace... i didn't have my car for 2 weeks.. very very unfortunately.. the engine sort of keeled over couple of weeks ago.. and we weren't even sure if i was going to get to keep my car or have to try and figure out how to get a new one... but after a long tiresome process of adult decision-making (i hate having to make decisions like a grownup.. it makes me squirm).. i ended up just purchasing an entirely new engine for my car... a pretty penny to say the least.. and i had to use australia money to pay for it.. so it looks like i won't be able to go down under for a while now.. its okay though.. God is making it pretty clear that he's the one opening and closing the doors in my life these days.. which puts me at ease.. because when he closes doors.. nobody can open them.. and when he opens doors.. it's a golden opportunity.. like for example.. i have recently been given the honor of going on staff full-time with newlife at the Greater Little Rock campus... i work in the office.. sort of as the receptionist at the front desk.. but i'm about to get more involved with events and stuff.. and i love it because i get to see how the church works from the inside out.. and it gives me a deeper appreciation for our church and the lengths we go to to show people their value in the kingdom.. and i think its such an awesome opportunity because this is my first real job.. and it's in God's house.. which is where i always want to be.. anyway.. all this to say, all is well in my world... i have my car back.. it feels like spring is here (we'll see how long that lasts).. i'm relaxing on the couch listening to jonezetta... and i think i'm about to take a little siesta.. and if it's not dark when i wake up... i just might go for a little bike ride.. or better yet.. maybe i'll go on a night-time bikeride... could be awesome :)

conditions of the heart..

2009-02-23T21:41:00.000-08:00

it is a built in characteristic of the human heart to desire unconditional love.. we need it actually.. a love that knows no bounds.. love that sees past ugly.. damaged.. and wrong.. now, i am not talking about the love of man... people are incapable of unconditional love.. we just are.. our flesh gets in the way.. no matter how much of ourselves we manage to lose and no matter how much of the cross we take on... we can't love like God... even the love governing the most God-ordained marriages doesn't touch the kind of love that our soul needs to survive... there is only One capable of loving in that way.. and the good news is that we already have this love in our posession.. it is already entitled to all of us because of the blood of Christ.. but just because that kind of love is available.. doesn't mean it makes sense to the masses.. even if it is the very thing that the entire world is aching on its axis to find... if the unconditional love of God is ever going to satisfy anyone's soul.. a person has to believe that they can have perfect love.. that it actually does exist.. and that they really can throw all of their weight into it... i dont think very many people ever get their minds completely wrapped around the possibility of obtaining such an unmerited gift.. it's just not common.. we either don't think it exists.. or we think that it's out there somewhere.. but it's not for us.. we rule ourselves out.. we think we get it wrong too much of the time.. we haven't earned our spot in the arms of abba.. we don't see ourselves as co-heirs... it is a hard lesson to learn that unconditional love cannot be earned.. that we can't do anything to deserve it..

but the heart of the lord is far greater than our finite minds.. he is One who pursues his bride.. he allures her and speaks tenderly to her.. he is willing to win her heart.. no matter what it takes, he lets us know that we are chosen.. in our current disgraceful state.. he wants us to take on His name... and belong to Him..

this is what i'm getting at: at least i know for me, before i decided to let God into my life.. i had to be convinced of unconditional love before i would give myself over to it.. i didn't believe in it.. i'd never seen it.. so why should i believe it was real? in my mind... nobody was going to love me if i wasn't picture perfect.. love was something you had to work for.. and it took all my time.. so i didn't have time to concern myself with the love of a God i couldn't see.. i was too hard at work trying to earn the love of people i could see... trying to fill the void and satisfy my own soul... too decieved to know that i could just relax and encounter the true love of a savior... so naturally in my ignorance i made God prove himself to me before i said yes.. and in turn he had to work overtime to finally get my attention... which is not fair to Him.. he is the King for crying out loud.. and i made him WORK to win my heart??

But here's the part that is still amazing to me.. He did it... he came after me... personally.. God went on a fierce pursuit of the heart of Callie Bezet.. and showed me that i can trust Him.. He went out of His way to prove himself to me.. as if i were worth it.. and then he showed me that i AM worth it.. and he even desires MY beauty... that's crazy. but true. every single verse about the unfailing love of the father can effortlessly hold the weight of my every inadequacy... and he is still willing, even now.. to prove himself over and over... even when i give up on his faithfulness.. and forget the truth about his love... he finds me where i am.. again and again.. and tells me the truth about who he made me to be.. and i fall in love all over... this is a huge part of the reason that i have chosen to devote my life to loving him better and better everyday.. he is a perfect God that constantly pursues and fights for the imperfect... he goes after the quitters, the sellouts.. the faithless... and he wins them to his name...

i wrote this song a while back... and it popped into my head tonight while i was thinking about how faithless i can be at times... i am SO capable of forgetting that the Lord cares about every little detail in my life... and that he wants good for me.. i forget all the time... and i find myself asking God these questions like: God do you really desire me? and do you really choose me? even when i'm this ridiculously flawed?? and the answers never change... one second in His glorious presence and i know again..

i am not crazy about the idea of posting these lyrics bc i think songs always sound better when they are sung.. maybe you'll hear it someday... but this song is the reason i blogged tonight.. so i'll post it. it's called 'you say'

oh my king do you desire me
amidst all my faults do you see beauty
do you take me even though i am unclean
you say you do...

oh my king do you want all of me
all my weakness doubt and failure everything
do you wash me as i lay me at your feet
you say you do...

so take me in
hold me
want me
and show me
your unconditional love
your unconditional love

oh my king do you deliver me
with your truth and life do you come set me free
each and every time the liar comes for me
you say you do...

and oh my king do you come after me
even when i hide my face and don't believe
just to prove your love do you still choose me
you say you do..

so take me in
hold me
want me
and show me
your unconditional love
your unconditional love

i want to believe you
show me again
and again and again

you say you do...

God is in Arkansas...

2009-02-15T12:18:00.000-08:00

what is god doing? where is he moving? what is he up to?? where does he need me right now? because that is where i want to be.. last week i listened to a podcast from brian houston and he talked about how the best 'footballers' (soccer players) on the field are always the ones who know how to move themselves to the place where the ball is going.. the place where someone needs to be ready and waiting.. the best players have their head in the game and watch closely to know where their presence is going to be the most effective... those are the players that get the most done for their team.. and the ones who get to play the most.. the same goes for the kingdom of God.. it's all about being in the right place at the right time..

my life has taken an interesting turn as of late... the door to Australia has been indefinitely shut.. and who knows if God will open it back up.. i hope he does.. but i do know that i'm not going to move a muscle unless he says to.. in the meantime i've been forced to ask God some pretty hard questions.. and he's been giving me some seriously helpful answers.. and the past couple of months have been nothing short of an awakening for me.. God is waking up things inside of me that i didn't know were sleeping.. and he is revealing himself to me in ways that i didn't realize my eyes were blind to.. he's been humbling me a lot.. he's shown me that while i had my sights set on australia.. i wasn't looking at the harvest here in arkansas... the lost and hurting people that i talk to day in and day out... i didn't give them much of my time because i had the mindset that i'd be leaving soon... but i was wrong... and lately the Lord has been showing me that i need to lift up my eyes.. the harvest is h.e.r.e... right now this second...

mainly i've just been learning that i need to ask God what he's doing.. what he's thinking.. what he needs me to do.. because, sure, i have grandioso dreams and God is behind me 100% on those... but he values conservative-bible-belt-Arkansas just as much as he values third world countries.. and godless cities in Europe.. and underground churches in china (aka future destinations for callie bezet).. and even though God has given me a heart for places like these throughout the globe.. i haven't given God much of a chance to cause my heart to break for the people in my own town.. i've been too busy thinking that i was meant for something better than that... i can be so arrogant. that is a skewed perception of my calling..

it's not that i don't have a heart for my city.. it's just that i have placed more value on loving the people i need a passport to see.. like that is somehow more noble or important to God.. and while that might be more admirable in the eyes of men.. God just wants a willing heart.. those willing are the ones he can use the most.. the ones who are content to serve anywhere.. even at home..

so for now.. i am committed to becoming this kind of a person.. the kind content to serve anywhere.. even if it means the same place i've been serving for the past 8 years... i am in no way too good for that.. if we're going to be honest.. i'm not good enough.. i am only capable of such a task through Jesus who shows me grace.. and maybe if i get that down.. he can trust me to get on an airplane and do the big things in my heart... at least i think that's how it works.. God shows himself faithful to the faithful... so i better be faithful.. and value what i have in my hand.

God showed me this verse yesterday:

"also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which i have carried you into exile . Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper."

(not that i am in exile in my hometown, but still) if my city prospers.. i too will prosper. good to know. i've got to be faithful with what the Lord has already given me.. and trust that i am in the right place at the right time.. there is a time for everything.. if you ever begin to doubt the significance of timing read ecclesiastes 3:1-8... timing. timing. timing... everything hinges on timing.. in the meantime.. God is giving me more of a heart for the people at home.. he is giving me a heart for His house... the church.. local first. then global.

i love how God can make old things new... a fresh revelation from God can change even the most mundane things into a new adventure.. there is always more to God.. there is always a side i haven't seen before... just when i think i know what he's doing in me or where he is sending me.. he proves that he is up to something new that my mind didn't in any way conceive... and he is growing me and stretching me.. and sometimes the growing hurts... but he is more interested in my character than my comfort... which can be confusing at times.. but he always proves that he is working for the good... i don't think i've ever been more clueless about someone.. yet more in love with Him at the same time.. his thoughts never cease to be higher than mine... and his ways are better... he makes ordinary things extrodenarily beautiful.. only He could do that..

boombox

2009-02-10T10:31:00.001-08:00

so right now i'm at my desk at work.. it's a rainy tuesday and i've pretty much finished up what i'm supposed to do today... minus one or two really easy things that will take like 2 seconds.. i'm listening to one of my all-time favorite cd's.. that's right.. i said cd's.. because the computer at my desk is a dinosaur... and it doesnt have speakers so itunes and pandora.com are incompatable.. bummer.. no worries though.. lucky for me there is a perfectly capble boombox located just at my toes there beneath my desk... and i'll add that i've gotten pretty good at adjusting the volume, skipping songs, and pressing pause with my feet.. anyway.. a boombox that plays cd's has been made available to me.. GLORY.. now i have an excuse to pilfer through all my old cd's... so i just went out to my car to see what i've got tucked away in my cd case thingy.... here's what we've got:

coldplay: parachutes (that's what i'm listening to right now... LOVE this cd.. very mellow and mellow is my favorite)

JABN.. that's for you brennan ward :)

Matt Wertz: twentythree places
my FALL mix that i made 2 years ago... or i guess 2 falls ago... whatever its just a lot of my favorite songs..
Amos Lee

augustana: all the stars and boulevards

the used: in love and death

a random cd labeled summer! (but the dot at the bottem of the exclamation point is a heart..hm)

lifehouse: no name face

Coldplay: x&y

switchfoot: the beautiful letdown

mae: destination beautiful

destiny's child: survivor

all american rejects: move along

elton john: greatest hits

journey: greatest hits

coldplay: viva la vida

mariah carey: daydream (tied with hanson for my first cd ever and i still have it. haha)

panic@ the disco

john mayer continuum

boyz II men: cooleyhighharmony

imogen heap

enough britney spears cd's to embarrass anyone.

incubus: morning view (this cd and highschool went hand in hand for me)

bryan adams: the best of me

NLC: shout to our God.. (with cale mills' shouting face on the front)

lovedrug: everything starts where it ends

hillsong london

shane&shane: pages

hillsong: all of the above

dave barnes: brother, bring the sun

becca's "day from hell" mix.. haha.. it's actually not as depressing as it sounds :)

mat kearney: bullet

brooke fraser: albertine

brooke fraser: what to do with daylight

Dixie Chicks: taking the long way
Misty Edwards: Onething Live 2007
Brandon Chandler... this is tyler gilbreath's cousin from portland.. he's really good.. and really in love with carriebeth james :)

denison witmer

taylor swift: tim mcgraw

taylor swift: fearless

dashboard confessional: a mark a mission a brand a scar

Damien rice: O

plus there are about 3 or 4 cd's that just say 'worship' on them... no telling what your gonna get on those.... most likely a bunch of hillsong stuff knowing me :) .. or there's the awesome possiblity that it is a rough recording of a Real Life worship service from God knows when... those are always... interesting (to say the least).

wow.. i forgot i had a lot of that music.. and i've just been toting it around in the trunk of my car! now... i am aware of the fact that that is a very random bunch of cd's... some of them are VERY old and haven't been listened in years... and some of them are newer.. some of them are (in my opinion) timeless... and to be honest i have no idea how some of them even got in there.... but if you can draw conclusions about somebody based on their collection of random cd's.. i have no idea what this says about me... i guess that im diverse?

i love listening to old music... a bunch of those cd's are definitely tied to specific time periods in my life.. i bet a lot of you can probably relate to that.. certain songs can trigger a memory.. and when i listen to them.. i can go straight back there in my mind.. like a time machine or something... which is really fun.. so today i'm thankful for the awesome boombox under my desk :)

random details...

2009-02-04T20:22:00.001-08:00

One of my really good friends recently posted a facebook note in which she listed 25 random things about herself... and i found it very intriguing.. and i thought.. hmm. that's a good idea for my next blog... but then i got to thinking about it and i wasn't sure if i could even come up with 25 random things about myself... and i still don't know if i can.. but im about to give it a try.. here we go..

1. i am absolutely aweful at parking my car in 90 degree angle parking spots... i get it crooked every time.

2. i sort of can't stand having long finger nails.. i always keep them short.. and along those same lines, you will probably never see me wearing fingernail polish.. too much work and it chips off in one day. i can't figure out the point.. (but i always paint my toenails.. go figure)

3. i know how to play the trumpet...

4. i play 3rd base.. and i'm not scared to say that i'm pretty good at it :)

5. crooked pictures on the wall don't bother me at all...

6. i might be the least observant person you will ever meet.. for instance.. my dad got a brand new truck and i walked right by it on my way out and i didn't even notice it sitting in the driveway...

7. i love to draw and paint.. but i don't really do it that much..

8. i collect bracelets from the trips that i go on... and the trips that other people go 0n... so if you ever go anywhere cool.. get me a bracelet! (unless i already told you i want a wood-carved zebra from kenya.. you know who you are)

9. i love airplanes.. i call window seat.

10. i am impressed by large vocabularies...

11. i have a map of the world on the wall in my room.. because i want to go everywhere... (except antarctica.. please God never send me there)

12. i could (and probably will) eat special K every day for the rest of my life... i had it for breakfast and dinner today..

13. soy milk.. please

14. i share a birthday with bob barker from the price is right...

15. i have never worn braces.. or even had a cavity.. and i have just one thing to say to my parents in regard to this fact... you're welcome.

16. i've never died my hair or had highlights or anything like that... and i don't ever plan to.. too much upkeep...

17. there is always.. without fail.. a song stuck in my head

18. i use every excuse possible to make a wish.. 11:11, shooting stars, an eyelash on my face.. or someone else's face.. those pretty fuzzy flowers that grow in the grass in summer time.. what are they called? OH.. and here's a weird one: i always wish on the blue m&ms.. idk why but i sarted that when i was a kid.. you close your eyes and grab one.. if it's blue you get to wish..

19. purple is my favorite color.. but if you know me at all.. you probably already knew that... i don't really own clothes that are purple tho.. hmm.

20. i know how to put water in the radiator and check the oil in my car...

21. i love music.. and i love movies... but i can't stand musicals (mary poppins doesn't count.. i love mary poppins... and all disney movies are exempt.. who doesn't love disney?)

22. i almost won the spelling bee in the 4th grade.. but i misspelled the word crate and lost to a girl who peed her pants in the middle of spelling crate the right way... she peed her pants in front of the whole school.. and still beat me... and to this day i'm a terrible speller...

23. ummm... this is getting hard.. okay 3 more... uuh.. i met justin timberlake in the 8th grade..

24. i have metal plates and screws in my right wrist...

25. i want to go play tennis... let's go..

my day in the sun..

2009-01-31T19:57:00.000-08:00

I am a happy girl! 64 degrees outside today! that's definitely good enough for me :) today genuinely was a great day... i will fill you in.

last night i knew that this fab weather was on the way... trust me.. i have been watching out for a warm day like a hawk.. so i went to bed wearing running clothes.. because i already knew i watned to seize the beautiful day in the morning and i wanted to dress for success...

but when i woke up this morning there was a special treat planned that i had forgotten about.. instead of running straight out the door.. my sister had come out to my parents house where i currently live... and we got things going with homemade cinnamon rolls... made from scratch using my maw maw B's famous recipe.. and that in and of itself is a reason to rejoice and be glad for this day that the Lord has made... those things put the doughboy to shame.. BUT.. the cinnamon rolls took a little longer to make and enjoy with the family than i expected.. so i had to scratch my bike-ride off of my list of outdoor activities for the day... (but no worries.. my schwinn knows she has a rain check) and eventually.. out the door i went... destination: nob hill.

so to start out i always park my car at the links clubhouse and run down Irby until i get to the nob hill subdivision.. then its up..up..up.. and down.. down.. down... and then back up.. and back down.. it's a pistol of a run if you haven't ran in a while.. and since we have been experienceing subzero temperatures as of late.. i only get to run once or maybe twice a week (because i really hate treadmills)... so i was expecting to be rusty on the hill... but today the sun was shining.. i had my ipod blasting fellowship church (great for running minus two slow songs).. and i had an extra dose of energy.. so i ran the whole way without ever getting tired... probably because sunshine is my favorite..

then it was time for more outdoor entertainment... so i went out to the river to read.. (okay toadsuck dam.. but 'the river' just sounded more poetic than 'toad suck').. and per usual.. i spread out my fluffy pink queensized comfortor on the grass next to the steps that lead down to the water.. now usually when i do this.. i lay there for hours and read.. or write.. or whatever.. and today i most definitely had my bible.. 2 books.. and a beth moore study in tow.. but today i didn't want to busy myself with any of that.. because today.. the second i pulled my car into the lot i was captivated by litereally hundreds of beautiful white birds hovering over the white caps of the river... i didn't know what kind of birds they were.. but i pretended they were seagulls since im obsessed with the beach.. (later on a lady with an enormous bird brochure and a sweet set of binoculars filled me in that that they were actually ring-billled gulls... but i still kept up the seagull daydream) the birds were incredibly beautiful.. it was like they were flying in slow motion... the sight was breathtaking.. and it moved me to be still.. to quiet my thoughts... just breathe the air and watch the birds flying..

(my camera's not that great but you get the idea)

in those moments when i was still.. and completely quiet.. i didn't want to get out my books.. or my journal.. i knew i just needed to wait.. and listen.. this is a new development for me.. i have recently delved into the art of waiting on the Lord to speak to me.. and seeking after the sound of His voice... in the past i have allowed myself to be far too ADD to wait on God's voice to reach my heart.. but we were created to hear from our creator.. and to be intimate with him.. and so as i sat there in the quiet i resolved to listen for Him.. and after a bit.. i could hear Him.. God just said relax.. nothing is different.. i love you.. everything is taken care of.. music to my ears.. or music to my heart rather... and i could just really sense that the recent chaos in my life was never really chaos... He is constantly moving and working all things together for my good... and also while i was sitting there... i could sense the Lord telling me that we are all on the brink of something bigger than we ever thought or imagined was going to take place.. like he is about to release his spirit throughout the earth in a mighty way.. and He is making sure to take care of His own.. we really can cast all our cares on Him...

so then the sun set behind the trees.. noting the end of what has been.. by far.. my favorite day in a while... i got to hang out with my God outside all afternoon... what a delight :)

my favorite..

2009-01-28T21:44:00.000-08:00

attention ladies and gents.. i have a very important announcement to make.. this is my favorite Ben and Jerry's icecream.. i literally get excited at the thought of getting to have some.. because not only is it delicious.. it has a clever name AND a beautiful message written on the inside of the container.. but mainly it's just delicious.. and it comes complete with tiny chocolate peace signs.. what could be better?

an extension...

2009-01-24T15:27:00.000-08:00

i am so ready for warmer weather... and i think i've pinpointed the reason i am in such dire need of spring to hurry up and get here already.. it is because i love to be outside.. and right now, it is too cold to be outside for any significant amount of time... aside from the occasional cold and miserable outdoor run.. i tend to post up next to any fireplace made available to me.. and read books.. don't get me wrong.. i love books. books are fine. but being outside is medicine for my spirit.. the perfect cure to any off-day... i dont know if there is anything i enjoy more than taking in, first-hand, the beauty of God's creation.. i am fascinated by creation.. creativity.. creating.. and one of the coolest things about creation is that its an extension of the one who created it.. every song you've ever heard.. or book you've ever read.. or painting you've ever seen.. etc. is an extension of the person who created it.. a little piece of who that person is slipped into the ingredients of whatever it was they conjured up in the creative process.. so when i look around at the beauty of the great outdoors.. i can't help but get all starry-eyed thinking about the beautiful God that created it all...and God really doesn't hold back when it comes to His creation... He wants us to know who He is.. and recognize his beauty.. there are so many different facets of His beauty.. the many colors of his personality evident in the changing of the seasons..

and there is something about being outside that i think aligns us with God as creator and puts everything in perspective.. or at least for me it does.. it's looking at the sky full of stars.. and knowing that it has looked exactly like that ever since the beginning of time.. or standing beneath an old oaktree.. preferably the kind with spanish moss hanging so low it touches the ground.. and knowing that tree has been growing there for a hundred years.. or standing at the edge of the ocean and knowing that you have no idea which shores the water rushing up around your ankles has seen or where it will go.. or hiking alongside a river up to the top of a 400ft waterfall.. and being utterly terrified and amazed at the same time as you gaze down through a rainbow at the fury of the water crashing so far below.. the earth is just so naturally beautiful.. there's nothing man can do to enhance what God has done.. nothing can make it better... creation, in its most simplified form... is more beautiful than any thing man could ever dream up on his own.. so we know that God must be the one behind it all... and He has set it before us... to enjoy.. what a beautiful gift..

indeed... i am ready for warmer weather so i can get back out into creation.. it's like i feel more connected to God when i can be outside.. so as soon as the weather warms up.. i, along with a friend or two.. will be venturing out.. making the most of our local options for outdoor activities.. whether it be the trails at petit jean.. climbing pinnacle (yes, even the hard side audra) riding our bikes all over conway, running salem trail, or just spreading a quilt out in the back yard to read a book... i'm ready for some fun-filled outdoor adventures.. days spent taking in the beauty of God.. or days of glory.. as some would call them...

tonight..

2009-01-17T22:22:00.000-08:00

i love tonight.. i'm at my friend carriebeth's apartment.. and we are with our friend becca (katy was here, but she left) .. and we are TOTALLY doing the girly-est things possible.. eating chocolate... laughing at everything under the sun... dreaming about the future.. talking about our weddings.. and all the many, many places we'd like to go in the world (before and after said weddings).. where we'd like to live life... we're dreaming about adventure.. and telling secrets... and listening to all our favorite songs (kind of like the playlist for life-in-general)... oh yes, we all have stars in our eyes.. it's so much fun to just be girls and think about all the things that God still has up his sleeve.. there is SO much left out there to be found... God has so much in store.. and it's nights like these that help me remember that the things in our lives that are still 'to be determined'.. are so worth the wait.. cheers to that..

the secret to waiting..

2009-01-14T21:21:00.000-08:00

have you ever gone through something big in your life.. and needed SO BADLY for God's truth to interrupt the confusion buzzing around in your head so you can think straight for even one minute.. and then wa-lah.. you open up the latest book you've been reading and it just so happens that the chapter up next seems like it was written to speak to YOUR VERY SOUL about what you are going through at the moment?? i'm pretty sure this happens a lot to everyone.. or at least it happens to me all the time... like today.

if you've read any of my recent blogs, you know i've been sorting through the postponement of a dream of mine.. to go study for a year at the Hillsong International Leadership College in Sydney Australia.. And (sparing you the details already mentioned in some of my other blogs) i recently learned that i don't get to go yet.. that's right.. i have to w a i t ... but today i came across the secret to being content in waiting... and i know you're all DYING to know what it is.. well get ready.. because i'm going to tell you..

i've been reading 'walking with God' by john eldridge.. and today i read a section called 'until God becomes our all'.. and this section is basically about being satisfied by God and God alone.. a quote:

"We give our hearts over to so many things other than God. We look to so many other things for life... Especially the very gifts that he himself gives to us. they become more important to us than he is. That's not the way it's supposed to be. As long as our happiness is tied to the things we can lose, we are vulnerable.."

when i read this.. i realized that my devastated state after finding out that i have to wait for australia could be a pretty telling symptom of me seeking after the gift rather than the giver... ouch.. nobody wants to realize that about themselves.. but in my case.. this has definitely been true.. and now i'm going to use a word that NOBODY wants to associate with themselves: much to my surprise it seems as though i have become an idol worshiper.. YIKES. yes. me.

but what are idols? in bible terms.. an idol is anything that can take the place of God in our lives.. anything that we seek after more than we seek after his heart.. and when it comes to me and my australian dream.. you can pretty much take a mugshot of me from the side and stamp 'GUILTY' across the bottem.. because i did that.. woops-i-daisey

God plants desires (aka future gifts) in my heart.. good.. healthy... kingdom desires.. and i get excited about what God's gonna do.. and i want my dreams to come about SO BAD.. that if i'm not careful.. i find myself seeking after the desire.. seeking after the gift... more than i'm seeking after the only one who can make those things happen in my life.. and then the God i love has become a means to an end.. rather than the end in and of Himself.. and again i have to say.. woops..

do you want to know the MAIN problem with seeking after the gift and not the giver? for me it is that i get these pre-conceived ideas about what the gift will look like.. or how it will arrive.. and here's ther worst one: WHEN it will arrive... and that probably just takes all the fun out of it for God.. because when i don't see my gifts arriving the way i thought they would.. i start to hang my head and push out my bottom lip.. imagine what that does to the heart of God.. the giver of every good and perfect gift.. seeing his daughter stomp her foot and pout when she doesn't get her gift when she thought she was going to get it...

there are no guarantees in a life submitted to Jesus.. we are asked to walk by faith. not by sight.. which means that we have to walk without being able to see into the future.. which means we probably shouldn't create our futures in our own tiny little minds before God has the chance to blow us away.. we should probably just listen for God's voice... because after all.. if we are His sheep.. we will hear him telling us to wait.. as of today.. i get this.. i'm not a pro at it.. but i get it.. we have to close our eyes.. and follow the sound of His voice..

i came across this verse today. i've read it before. it's even underlined in my bible.. but it means something different to me now that i see what i've been doing. i've been making idols out of my dreams for the future.. and not paying close enough attention to God's voice leading me.. and i wasn't even aware that i was doing that..

isaiah 42:16-17..
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.
But those who trust in idols,
who say to images, 'You are our gods,'
will be turned back in utter shame.

right about now is a good time to know that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.. now that i know i was doing that.. all i have to do is turn away from that mistake.. and chase.. once more.. after the heart of my Abba.. close my eyes and make hearing His voice my only goal.. and pay closer attention to his directions... let him guide me and make the rough places smooth. but it's also important that i keep dreaming the dreams he gave me.. they are.. after all.. a glimpse of the gifts i am sure to recieve in the future.. but i won't chase the dreams... i will chase the dream-giver. and that, my friends, is the secret to being content while we wait on dreams to come true...

airplane

2009-01-13T11:33:00.000-08:00

so i've pretty much been crying all day.. today one of my very best friends in the world, Lydia Anne Cazzell, got on a plane pointed in the direction of sydney australia.. and then at 11 am.. that plane took off... and the empty seat right next to hers was meant for me.. but i'm sitting here.. on a couch in my hometown.. and even though the fact that i'm not with her keeps the tears streaming down my face.. the peace in my heart assures me that this is exactly where i'm supposed to be.. at least for now..

i know that my God does not fail.. and that i will see his plan to prosper me unfold soon enough.. but today i can't see anything that lies ahead.. and the future, though it may be filled with hope.. looks pretty unclear... so today i am sad.. and i will simply mourn.. because i am only human.. and the head knowledge of the truth of God's promise doesn't always make its way down to my heart in a timely fashion..

a little while ago i went up to the church for worship and to pray (this week we are having worship and prayer everyday... its a special treat) and for a long time all i could do was weep before the Lord.. my offering to God was a chaotic mixture of tears and challenging praise.. because sometimes singing seems like more of a sacrifice than an offering.. but faith is being sure of what we hope for.. and confident of things that we have not yet seen come to pass.. so i'm learning more and more that sometimes we have to praise God for who He is out of faith.. because no matter what we're facing.. nothing changes the fact that he sits on the throne... and we can just know that even though we might weep in the night season.. joy is coming in the morning.. and as someone very dear to me pointed out today.. 'i've seen enough of God's faithfulness in my yesterdays, to know that he will be faithful in my tomorrows'..

oh yes. i do trust in the faithfulness of my Jesus.. He has proven himself worthy over and over and over.. i cannot recall a time that he has ever let me down.. so my prayer today is that God will continue to direct my path.. guide my steps... and show me the right way to go.. and that i would stay close enough to His heart to hear him speak and that i would obey whatever he says to do... and of course, i'm also praying that it would be His will to still send me to australia for the july intake of hillsong college.. because that dream is still so big in my heart.. i have to believe that God put that desire there.. because all my delight is in Him.. forevermore.. (psalm 37:4)

and i also pray that God will use me here in arkansas while i'm still around.. God give me a bigger heart for my city... and show me what to do with the time you've given me to still be here.. help me to lift up my eyes and see the harvest... i know that there is great need for you all around... and for me, this town is quite possibly the most comfortable place i'll ever know... but i refuse to curl up and go to sleep while i wait for adventure... God use me now.. my heart is willing..

sunshine and sailboats.. cold wind and winter coats..

2009-01-10T21:04:00.000-08:00

lately when i think about blogging.. the only thing i can come up with to write about is THE BEACH. i think God created me with the beach in mind.. which is probably why im always leaving the house without a coat in freezing cold temperatures... i want to be where it's WARM.. i like the feeling of sand between my toes and that coco-nutty smell of suntan lotion.. and of course theres the constant crashing of the waves... i love it all.. palm trees, sail boats, those planes that fly up and down the coast boasting a banner that says something like 'jimbob's seafood buffet.. kidz eat free!' and OH MY GOSH i love swimming around in the water with goggles on looking for sea shells... if you've ever been on a beach extravaganza with me, you probably saw me don a pair of those really geeky snorkel goggles with the big rubber nose and run as fast as i can out into the waves... you'd swear i'm 9... but one time i found a baby sand dollar so lay off! another thing i love is getting in tan-offs with anybody willing to take me on in a contest to see who can get the darkest... i've never lost.. not even once.. i actually look forward to the day when i meet someone who can beat me in said competition... i will graciously stand up and applaud.. [please overlook how prideful i sound about it.. it's all just for fun :)]

aah yes. the beach.. that's where i wanna be... but the reality is.. i am in conway Arkansas... the current temperature is 31 degrees... and we are in the dead of winter, no sand, no waves, palm trees, or anything even remotely of that nature anywhere around for miles.. and i am COLD.. cold weather is only okay with me one month out of the entire year (december) and then there is the rare occasion when we get a few inches of snow.. which im TOTALLY stoked for.. but.. nevertheless... i don't love the bitter cold... but another thing i don't love is being discontent with my current circumstance in the here and now... so in protest of being negative about the next few months of cold, beachless weather.. i am going to dedicate the rest of this winter season to paying attention to my surroundings and discovering all the things that i love about the frigid wintry time span between the months of January and april.. right here in the natural state.. i know i can do this... so thing number one on my list: bare tree branches.. there is something innately beautiful about leaveless trees.. now, off to search for thing number two..

a dub...

2009-01-06T18:03:00.000-08:00

i've got this amazing friend named audra.. and let me just tell you a little bit about her. when i first met audra.. i knew that this was the kind of person i wanted to be around.. she has the most uplifiting personality.. just being around audra for 10 minutes will put anybody in a better mood.. not to mention she has an uncanny ability to get crunk (haha).. and then there's the fact that she is one of the most ballin shortstops i've ever had the honor of playing next to on the softball field.. she's kind of my softball hero.. but all that is beside the point.. the coolest thing about audra is what God is doing in her life.. God is doing amazing things through this young lady just for the simple fact that she is just so willing to be used.. she understands that there is power of life and death in the tongue.. and she uses that power to build people up.. and point them towards the same target she is chasing everyday.. the God she loves. Watching her grow in her relationship to God.. especially this year in 24/7 (one of the coolest leadership programs on the planet).. is such an inspiration.. she is so deticated to discipline.. and eager to get better and better with every passing day.. you can tell the changes she's making are real and lasting.. and she really understands the importance of loving people.. and the importance of discipleship.. and i want to love as selflessly as she does.. it's beautiful to watch.. so audra, when you read this.. just know that i love you dearly and i look up to you.. my sister, my friend :)

ps.. i'm so excited for your mission trip to mexico.. God's going to do beautiful things on that trip.. i'm defintely keeping you and all of 24/7 in my prayers.. but i want you to go already so you can hurry up and get back!

the basics...

2009-01-05T17:24:00.000-08:00

lately i've been learning a lot about my relationship with God.. really examining the reasons why i love Him and why i've decided to position my life beneath His will and mercy. and although i sort of already knew this, circumstance is bringing it about in a new light.. and it's coming more into focus.

we serve a God with the ability to make things happen. He can bring change with one word from His lips.. with one touch of His hand.. so in a lot of cases, it comes natural to love God for what he can do. it feels right to be like "wow God! you're so powerful! look what you've done in my life and in the lives of others! no wonder i serve you!" He is a God who loves to dump blessing after blessing on top of our heads.. so much in fact, that it is a very real possibility that one might begin to generate the wrong idea of what a relationship with God is supposed to be like.. at first, in the early stages of a relationship with God, a love that bursts forth as a response to God's goodness is quite acceptable, i think.. but as we grow and mature in the things of God, i also think He prompts us to re-evaluate our feelings about him..

like, for example.. what happens to our affections for him when the honeymoon is over and we have to start working together on figuring out how to pay the bills. a new stage of life brings about a deeper.. more real need for love.. it's like we go from "wow God, you blow my mind with how GOOD you are all the time!" to "God i don't care what it takes or how tired i am.. or how much it breaks me.. i WILL NOT be without you." and we find that our love for him doesn't actually depend on circumstance at all.. and we receive the newsflash that this journey isn't always gonna be all sunshine and sweet tea.

but we've agreed to be in this place we are in, the legally binding contract being His beautiful name scripted upon the tablets of our hearts.. we've said for better or for worse.. and here we are.. right in the middle of worse.. holding onto the promise that every bit is worth it.. and the promise that He won't let us go.. and we learn that this love we have for God runs deep within us. deeper still than the blood coursing through our veins.. maybe even deeper than our bones.. and we learn that His love is a part of who we have become.. and it really is all we need. and some days it is the only thing that keeps us functioning at the most basic level.

Now, i know that life most likely gets harder than not getting to go to australia. but one thing i'm learning is that no matter what happens, i live my life everyday with a God, a friend, a man.. that died so we could be together.. just like this.. right now. and for eternity.. and that really is enough.. everything else is just a bonus.

dreaming with a broken heart..

2009-01-04T22:49:00.000-08:00

hey friends.. i need some encouragement.. so anybody who reads this, feel free to leave thoughts...

okay, so... as a lot of you already know.. australia isn't really working out the way it was supposed to.. these days, a loan is a very complicated thing to acquire.. (or at least it is in my case).. and if i was going to go to australia.. i would have needed to take out a pretty hefty loan to support myself (jobless) in sydney for 11 months.. and sparing you the details.. things just werent lining up.. so the australian dream is on hold (unless 15,000 dollars falls on my head before january 13) until july.. im praying that i have the money to go by then..

but with all that said... just being honest.. my heart is BROKEN.. i wanted to go THIS month.. its been a reality in my mind for a while now.. january=australia.. and now that i have to wait.. i literally just have an ache in my chest.. i'm not angry or mad or anything like that... just hurting.. and what's worse, is i know the right answers to this.. i know that God's timing is better than my timing.. and that i can trust that His ways are higher than mine.. and that i can just be confident that he is up to something better.. and believe me when i say that i know all that stuff is true.. and i am VERY grateful for that truth.. and i am truly excited to see what God has in store for the future.. i can still face tomorrow with a smile.. but my problem is this broken heart that i have today.. i can't help it... i'm not used to the idea of waiting on australia for 7 more months.. when i really thought my waiting was over... and everytime i have to explain to someone else that i'm probably not going to get to go to sydney this month.. theres like this little twinge in my chest... i know that might seem dramatic.. but its the truth..

so.. my question is this.. since i know that God's timing is the most important thing here.. how do i get over this heartache?

another year in the rearview...

2009-01-01T00:17:00.000-08:00

well guys.. there went 2008. i don't know about you.. but i had a blast last year.. i thought maybe we could glance back through the last 365 days via picture slideshow and take it all in one more time.. this was my 2008.. january to december... and everything in between..

i'm excited about what is to come in 2009.. God is always up to something worth getting excited about.. especially if we can manage to eliminate our pre-conceived ideas about what we think is going to happen and allow God to be God.. because he cannot be contained within our minds.. and at that, i take comfort and rejoice.. and 'always face tomorrow with a smile' (prov 31:25 message)..

so may God bring us all peace.. joy.. love.. and adventure in the year to come... i love a new year.. it's just like morning.. we get a fresh new start... like the first page of a brand new journal.. the possibilities are endless.. so, from the outset.. i say this to you.. it's a new year.. 'feel free to change the world..'

december sky..

2008-12-31T00:04:00.000-08:00

i do a lot of star gazing.. it's like i can't help it.. if the stars are out, i'm craining my head backward to stair up into the sky... especially lately. i don't know if you've noticed.. but there is something absolutely MAGICAL about the december sky.. you can see every star.. the sky literally shines like diamonds. it's captivating. so captivating, in fact, that on particularly clear nights, my friend becca and i will stay up way too late and drive way out of town just to get away from city lights.. we want to be as close as we can to the sky so we can see all the stars at once.. it's totally worth it.

so i got to thinking about why i love the stars so much.. of course there are the obvious reasons.. for one thing, upon the not-so-rare occasion that i see one shooting itself across the sky.. i get to make a wish.. and i love wishing.. it's just like dreaming, but one step further... always fun:) then there is the undeniable fact that the stars are irrisistably beautiful and fashioned by the One more beautiful than anything we could ever dream up on our own.. the heavens alone are wonderful enough to declare the glory of our God without any of us ever opening our mouths.. but when i stand back and look at the sky.. it is hard to think that anything on our little tiny earth could actually rival the beauty found in th night sky.. that anything could comparitively shout the praises of our creater better than the heavens overhead.. but then i found this verse.. and it's actually pretty cool.. Daniel 12:3 says this:

"'Men and women who have lived wisely and well will shine brilliantly, like the cloudless, star-strewn night skies. And those who put others on the right path to life will glow like stars forever."

did you get that? Godly wisdom makes us as captivating to the eye as cloudless, star-strewn night skies... and living a life that directs others to follow Jesus causes us to glow like stars forever.. wow.. wisdom makes us as bright and breath-taking as the glory of the skies.. and to live a life that points others to the One we follow.. promises us that we will shine like that... FOREVER.. the brilliance won't fade away or wear off... it's eternal.. we can live our lives in such a way.. that people are actually captivated by the simple ins and outs of our day.. the way WE LIVE... declares the glory of our God in the same way that the heavens do... cool right? i want to be like that.

a never-ceasing cadence...

2008-12-29T17:57:00.000-08:00

today's been another weird day.. i can't seem to hoist myself back up into the normal swing of things.. could be because my life isn't shifting in the direction i was expecting.. so i can't seem to find a rhythm.. there is no set pace.. but i am not down in the dumps.. or depressed.. i am totally capable of laughing at the usual nonsense that brings me joy throughout the day.. but i guess i am feeling tired a lot... and this tired feeling is most likely stemming from the strength i am expending on trusting God for what is next.. it is exhausting to release control over my life circumstances and give into God's better ways.. i guess i don't realize how much i actually try to control my own life until God steps in and really demands my surrender..

now that i'm finally figuring out surrender, i am learning that submitting to Devine authority is an acquired skill... of course.. it's not like i ever plan on rebelling against God's power over my life.. because what he allows and doesn't allow is obviously out of my control... but one thing that is in my control is my attitude towards the whole idea.. to have peace in the midst of chaos is a choice... it is a battle won inside of my mind.... and it isn't something that someone is automatically good at... it takes practice... kind of like running long-distance.. unless i train in the ways of surrender daily, and really develop a knack for it.. it will wear me out if i try to do a lot of surrendering all at once... like trying to run 10 miles the first day i lace up my running shoes after a long-absence from the track.. SO.. i guess im learning that i can't just surrender my will for God's once a week.. or every day for a while, and then take a break... i have to do it everyday.. first thing in the morning while everything is still fresh and new..

to surrender is to take off self and put on love.. because when i first fell in love with Jesus and agreed to be crucified with Him on the cross... i surrendered my right to wear anything but Love.. that initial surrender meant that i would become like Him.. in essence.. surrender is to clothe myself in patience, kindness, and humility.. surrender is forfeiting the urge (or in some cases, even the right) to be jealous, rude, proud, or self-seeking.. surrender is rejecting lies that make sense and rejoicing in truth that isn't necessarily always going to be crystal clear... surrender is always protecting, always trusting... and always persevering... no matter what circumstance throws my way... surrender is the only guarantee that i won't fail... my day must begin with surrender.... it must begin with surrendering to Love. After all, "His love has the first and last word in everything we do." (2 Corinth 5:14, message)

so in this precarious season of my life.. while im still learning the ropes of surrender.. i thank God that i can rely on something that will always be constant.. a north star... His unfailing Love.. i pray that each day it would flow into and out of me... like a never-ceasing cadence.. like the unforced rhythms of grace.. let this love be the clearest evidence that i reside within the spirit of a good and perfect Father.. and let this love be a constant reminder of where my identity comes from as a blameless daughter of the King.. and please always let me remember that when i hand the reigns of my life over to Love, i need not take them back... they are in perfect hands..

what is in a name?

2008-12-26T23:05:00.001-08:00

let it be known.. i love to look up the meanings of names. if i am fond of you at all.. or if i think you have a cool name.. chances are, i've already looked up what your name means.. or if you are on my blog roll, you can count on it.. i just looked every single one of you up a little while ago.. creepy? maybe, but to me it's just really interesting to look up the meaning of a person's name and see if it lines up with their personality.

i mean think about it for a minute.. everything that exists on this planet has been given a name of some sort. and names are obviously important to God because he made sure all of his creation received a name.. starting from day one with Adam. Adam is hebrew for "man of the earth." appropriate right? and then one of the first things God told Adam to do on earth was to give a name to every other living creature.. read the first couple of chapters of Genesis for yourself and see if you don't notice how much naming was going on.. and then, when God created a helper for Adam, Adam named her Eve, which is hebrew for "life." again, so appropriate.. since eve was the first mother ever. are you starting to see why this is an interesting concept? in the beginning, a name carried a connotation with it.. names were given for a purpose... maybe our names are supposed to be part of our identity... perhaps even tell the truth about who we are...

also, think about the times in the bible when God changed the names of His children: abram to abraham, jacob to israel, saul to paul.. do you think maybe God cares about what we are called? i think he wants us to answer to a name that accurately depicts who we are... in other words... i think the name by which we are identified matters.. especially to God..

one more example.. when the angel appeared to mary to tell her she would be carrying the saviour, he specifically told her to name him Jesus. that was a direct order from God.. and Jesus means "God rescues" in Hebrew.. which i think defines who He is pretty well... don't you?

one of my favorite verses in the bible is Isaiah 43:1. it says this: "I have called you by name. You are mine." think about that for a minute. God calls us by our name.

of course, now i am going to tell you what my name means. i love the meaning of my name. callie is greek for "most beautiful." and alise, my middle name, means "noble or of nobility." and those are great things to be called! i like to think that my name, as a whole, means beautiful princess... you can go along with that, or not.. suit yourself :)

now, i want to bring up another interesting idea. let's think about satan for just a minute.. (whoah! where did that come from?) just go with me here. Satan, our arch nemesis, is JEALOUS of us. because God calls us by name, to be his sons and daughters. heirs to the throne.. and we are His chosen... and satan can't go anywhere near God.. let alone, be an heir to the throne.. now, Satan is known as the father of lies. in hebrew, satan actually translates as "the accuser." basically, satan, out of spite, does what he can to take the truth and twist it into unrecognizable falsehoods.

i have this theory.. i think that our names are more significant than we might presume. i think our names can be part of our identity.. part of the way God sees us.. and i think our names can be seen as a gift. something given to us.. that no one can take away. BUT.. i think satan.. being the liar and the thief that he is.. is eager to steal even that from us.. i think he attacks our identity from every angle.. but especially our name... it makes sense.. if we are given a name that carries a specific meaning.. how typical of satan to tell us that that's not who we are.. he wants us to believe the opposite.

i know this is true for me.. God had to practically chase me down and beg me to believe that I deserve to be called beautiful... by name. because satan worked overtime to convince me otherwise... and rob me of my identity (which is so like him).. he started when i was very young.. and if i hadn't, through grace, learned what God says about me... i might still be sizing myself up against the standards of this world.. trying to compete... trying to achieve an image that, by definition, i already am.. beautiful..

now.. this theory obviously won't work in every scenario. for example. my mom's name is sylvia, which means "woodlands." i doubt if satan has spent very much time trying to convince my mom that she is not really a forest. that would be ridiculous. and very easy to do. a lot of people's names don't necessarily make sense inside of this idea of mine.. but none-the-less.. in a lot of cases... this theory proves true. i know because i've talked about this with a few of my friends and it's been true for them as well.. you might think this all sounds like rubbish. but i would challenge you to at least look up the meaning of your name and see if you haven't, at some point or another, believed the lie that you don't live up to the meaning behind your name... you might just be surprised and enlightened.. and if not.. welp...

the joy of christmas... comes from love.

2008-12-25T21:08:00.000-08:00

Well.. it looks as though another Christmas has come and gone.. and i must say.. it has been a weird Christmas season for me this year.. what, with all the uncertainty about Australia and the strange financial predicament that i'm in.. i mean, for a second there i let myself think that my dreams were capable of being shattered... and i almost let my joy slip right through my fingers over that bogus idea.. right in the middle of the christmas season! what an inconvenient time to almost lose your joy! but BOY do i love God.. he's so faithful to help me see the truth in the midst of chaoss and confusion.. and the truth is that His timing is EVERYTHING... if i can't go to australia next month.. it doesn't mean i'll never get to go.. it just means that he needs me to wait right now... and lean even harder into the His perfect promises.. so for now.. i think i'll live out psalm 130:5-6 to the best of my ability..

"I wait for the Lord, My soul waits,

and in His word I will put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen wait for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for the morning."

and while i wait on Him... i think i'll revel in the certain fact that i am incredibly B-L-E-S-S-E-D... God has surrounded me with a beautiful family and irreplaceable friends... and there is no better time to be aware of how blessed I am than on Christmas day... Today was flawless.. not because we are perfect people.. (ha! far from it!) but mainly because there was so much love all over the place.. and love is all you need on Christmas.. or anytime really.

a little bit of the Bezet family tradition... just a peek..

we need hailee in this one.. but it's cute of me, erin and grace...

erin and Lo were having a pretty in depth phone conversation...

Dan the man came to our Christmas this year.. it was good to have him :)

Cousin Abe teaching Londyn how to work out... haha..

Corban punched me right in the face!

a daddy-daughter dance... precious :)

sleepy people on the couch..

good to have gu this year as well :)

rick and michelle sitting by the fire...

they are playing with the bezet kids' new wii nintendo thing. it's pretty cool..

how cute is he in his spiderman pj's?!?

So... i hope you had a beautiful christmas this year... with lots of love.. and lots of pie. praise God for pie.

good tidings!

2008-12-22T20:54:00.000-08:00

twas 3 days before christmas... and erin and I.. searched all over town, for some matching christmas pajamas to buy.. we searched high.. we searched low... wherever festive pajamas might be sold... but we almost gave up and went home because IT"S SO FREAKING COLD! we tried old navy, target, belk, and khols, and even t.j. max... but each store offered nothing but lame granny nightgowns hanging on clearance racks... so with our heads hanging low.. we came ever-so-close to bailing on yuletide cheer... "one starbucks run to warm ourselves up and we're getting the heck out of here"... then with a gleam in her eye and a smirk on her face.. erin offered an unthinkable remark... "i mean, i don't know about you.. but i think i'd be fine with braving the crowds at Wal-Mart.." and so we did... in her car we drove to the old walmart on highway 65... and the rest is history... we'll be sleeping in these for the next 3 wintry nights!!

Ta.. Daaahhh!!! we look adorable.

peace on earth and mercy mild....

my sister... my friend :)

mom's precious new kitty.. i usually don't like cats that much, but she's an exception...

she started to squirm out of our hands... not very lady-like i might add..

sweet little maw maw vern... i think i'm squishing her.

i love christmas... it gives you the best excuse to act like a kid again... and now, we watch the grinch... just like every year :)

good tidings to you! (whatever that means) and a very merry christmas..

broken..

2008-12-20T19:50:00.000-08:00

i feel the need to be really honest right now.. for the sake of 'keeping it real'... i think i need to fill everyone in on what is going on with me in my world.. i can't keep acting like it's all roses when we are promised that in this life.. we will go through trials.. i am currently in the middle of one... and i'll admit i didn't expect to be in the predicament that i'm in.. but i'm beginning to learn that it is always safe to expect the unexpected..

as you might already know, for the past year, i have been planning on going to australia to attend the hillsong international leadership college beginning in january of 09.. this dream and i go way back to 2006.. God put it on my heart to go and learn under the leadership of one of the most influential churches on the planet... and i have prayed about it A LOT... and given up on the dream a lot... and had god re-establish it each time i try to take the easy route.. it's been a roller coaster, to be sure.. but all the while i've been fighting to keep the dream alive.. God has been right there.. stretching me.. growing me... unveiling my eyes to my own weaknesses and being strong inside of them.. humbling me (lots of humbling)... restoring relationships that i thought were gone... and making them new again... he's been leading me.. believing in me... L-O-V-I-N-G me. my relationship and dependency on God has changed in a way that i wasn't expecting... it has truly been amazing.. and im more in love with my creator now than i was before i decided to believe him for the impossible...

you see, ever since the first time the thought of going to australia ever flashed in my mind... i've known that i don't have the means to go... i simply do not have the kind of money it will take to sustain a living in sydney for 11 months... but i've come up in the school of believing God for big things.. stepping out of the boat with my eyes on Jesus... walking on water.. and the last time i did that... God delivered me from the deathly grip of an eating disorder with his unfailing love.. but i sort of haven't done the whole 'step out of the boat and walk on water' thing since then... at least not with anything this big.. so i know in my heart that God is wanting to see if i'll keep my eyes on him through this... and let me tell you... it has NOT been a picnic..

don't get me wrong... God is using people to bless me financially... i have not had an expense concerning the trip so far that God has not provided the exact amount of money that i needed.. and exactly when i needed it.. for example, i needed X amount of dollars to pay tuition and reserve my spot at hillsong... and that is exactly how much money i had in savings... transaction made.. then, i needed Y amount of dollars to pay for the plane ticket... and 2 weeks later a family in our church wrote me a check that took care of all but $100 of the airfare.. and then one of my best friends took care of the rest... again.. god's grace and provision so evident in the situation... BUT... it is getting SO close to time to get on the plane... and while so many friends and family have given me money and pledged to support me financially.. i am still coming up short.. and the loan i was planning on taking out just isn't working out the way i thought... leaving me thousands of dollars short, actually... quite scary, indeed.

so all this to say... it might not happen. i might not be able to go to australia right now.. and i have to be okay with that... i have to let God be in control.. and i could probably preach a sermon on why i should be okay with this possibility.. God is allowed to lead me somewhere and then change directions... he has done this to other people before.. after all, Hebrews 11 talks all about the heroes of the faith.. and then in verse 39 we are told that "these were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised." of course, if in the end.. this is how it goes for me... i am not so bold as to be angry with God for his sovereign will... but in all honesty, i will be a little out of sorts over it... i mean, for me to have come so far.. believed for SO MUCH... seen so much of it come to pass.. and then right here when it counts... not be able to go? really God?? but i am no fool... i fear the God i love... and i would be CRAZY to want to go to australia right now if its outside of his will... i just have to know His power in quietness and trust.. trust is a simple word until you have to actually embody the meaning... but with out a doubt... this is all going according to his plan... my God is jealous for all of me.. he will get all of me... one way or another.

i have 24 days until i'm supposed to fly out of the United States... or should i say God has 24 days to tell me what to do... go or not go... but i know one thing for sure... i better be listening... i have fully surrendered the dream to him... again. and i will dwell in His shelter either way.. go or stay.. He is always going to be my refuge, my fortress, and my God in whom i trust.. He covers me.. He rescues me.. He answers me... and i Love him... hebrews 11:39 might say that people who have great faith don't always get what they have been promised initially... but verse 40 says that it's because God has planned something better.. something perfect. and i know he wants good things for me.. of course he does. He is the definition of GOOD...

Meanwhile... my prayer to God is not that he send me to Australia... but that he keep working on my heart and making it beautiful for Him.. for His glory... I'm asking God to break me for the things He has set before me.. give me the right passions to chase after the tasks that he needs me to accomplish.. i have been prophesied over a few times that i am supposed to carry the truth of God to the nations.. that my voice will set people free.. OH i pray that God would use me for this! what an awesome job!

and yes, i want to lead worship for the rest of my life... forever and ever... but i want to do more than just jump around on a stage and sing... i want to make a d i f f e r e n c e... and i want to love people with the perfect love of the father... not the imperfect love of callie bezet... and to do that i have to open up my heart more and more everyday... and let God give me the capacity to do this His way... because his ways are higher than mine.. amen? yes. amen.

yesterday my friend becca showed me this video.. and it resonated deeply within me.. because i look up to these guys so much (hillsong united/joel houston).. and its awesome to see them making sure people know that loving Jesus isn't just about jumping around on stage and having fun... it's about noticing injustice and allowing God to cause your heart to ache for a solution... and God is doing that in me currently... the Gentleman i devote my life to... is rearranging my focus... redirecting my passion... and i can't believe i have been so selfish for so long... but it feels great to see the light.. finally.

so my prayer is this... God. Please break my heart for the unnoticeable, forgettable nobodies... and help me to tell them who they are... and what they're worth... and give me the honor of teaching them how to sing to YOU... please.

we come from the land down under..

2008-12-19T00:28:00.000-08:00

it's no secret that i love all-things-australia... it may even be safe to say that i'm obsessed... i literally talk about that place ALL the time.. and my sincerest apologies if that ever becomes annoying to you.. but i promise i can't help it... you'll have to take that up with my creator... He made me this way :)

last week i had an australian-themed birthday party.. and let me just tell you, it was AWESOME!! or "ace," i should say.. we learned a lot of new aussie words that night.. you might learn some yourself if you watch the video below... anyway, the night was packed full of bad australian accents... great aussie outfits.. heaps of dancing.. OH.. and who could forget rockband! much thanks to adam funmaker for making that happen..

and lucky us... we caught a lot of it on camera so it can go down in the history books as the best birthday ever :)

here it is for your viewing pleasure.. enjoy!

release...

2008-12-17T21:55:00.000-08:00

i love to write.. anything really... songs, poems, speeches, articles, nonfiction, even research papers.. writing is a release.. it let's whatever is going on inside of you... out. i can't explain it.. but if you're a writer too, you know what i mean... i was a writing minor so, not that long ago, i used to get to write all the time.. but this being my first semster out of school, ever... i haven't been writing as much... but i can change that..

i love poetry.. i like it because it doesn't have to be conformed to a certain pattern or formula.. it can be anything you want.. it doesn't even have to make sense.. which i like, because it isn't uncommon to think or feel things that don't make sense to everybody else.. and sometimes it makes more sense to tell a story with fragments and snapshots.. you don't have to spell everything out.. basically.. little is demanded of poetry.. no rules. no expectations.

so i decided to write a poem.. God's been doing some stuff in me lately.. preparing my heart for what's ahead... fixing broken things that i didn't know affected me so heavily... it's been hard.. but amazing... and i wanted to get it out... so here it is.. (ps i definitely stole the title from somewhere else... but like i said.. no rules)

Dreams and Sewing Machines

my eyes search pen marks on a journal page..
bad handwriting tells the truth of aged hurt
in the midst of fresh joy and healing..
compartmentalized abrasions remain
as beams of New Light shine
like spot lights through ceiling cracks..
beckoning for me to open the forgotton packages..
for nothing can be done with a burnt or broken heart..
and love suffers so much already..
no understudy prepared to take my place..
if i'm to heal.. i have to search out the attic..
to find that which i've lost..
no one worth keeping should be placed in a box..
shoved in hidden corners..
for i know all things can be recovered.
nothing is ever lost. He dusts off the lid..
my hands sift shakily through the contents..
deep breath.
we breathe together..
His breath is life
He's already healed the sickness.
He'll be faithful to cure the disease.
love never fails. honor thy father. love never fails.
and He's been waiting for this..
for years..
so i let go.. clenched fists abandon white knuckles.
i choose to sleep like a child beneath street lights..
sleep while You sing to my fears...
sleep while You mend. sleep while You sew.
sleep while You mend. sleep while You sew.

you did it! world's best cup of coffee... congratulations!

2008-12-15T14:15:00.000-08:00

it's official... this is the best possible day to be at the brewery... on the other side of the door there is a wintery mix icing over all of our cars.. yet we are warm and cozy inside of our favorite local coffee shop.. and i have THE BEST wintery day playlist on my ipod... complete with some songs from my two new favorite guys.. joel & luke.. look them up they're great.. and australian :) anyway... moving on..

SO... now... i would like to point out the fact that on this day i have finally earned my spot for a coffee mug on the wall of frequent brewery-goers... i couldn't be more proud! i shall forever cherish my 4"x4" space marked by the pink chalk engraving of my name... or at least i'll cherish it for the four weeks i have left in conway... but none the less... i'm stoked!

and i couldn't have done it without my good friend scott fagaly... who so graciously provided me with the mug you see featured in the picture above... it was his going away present to me for australia.. and i love it... first of all.. because it's hilarious!! i mean.. who has a mug with scott fagaly's face on it?! it makes me laugh... and as we all know... laughing's my favorite :) so big ups to scott for the awesome present..

and now i'm drinking my favorite drink on the brewery menu (europe's favorite latte) out of my brand-new mug... about to continue reveling in the truth of psalm 33... aaaahhh... take it all in...

at a loss for words...

2008-12-13T01:00:00.000-08:00

SO... this is my first video blog... and before you watch it , let me explain. it is late. very late... and things are usually funnier in the wee hours of the morning.. right? but i must admit... becca and i would totally do this exact same thing in the middle of the day... after a full night's sleep.. and laugh just as hard.. so.. think what you want, we rule.

goodbye to 22

2008-12-11T21:56:00.001-08:00

dear year 22... it's time to say goodbye... and what can i say, we had some great times together... LOTS of laughs.. quite a few tears... more ups than downs, to be sure.. i think we grew a lot in our 365 days together.. we tried to let everyday change us.. for the good. we didn't know when we started out together that we had so much to learn... but now that you're leaving... you know as well as i do.. that year 23 and i have quite a bit of wisdom to chase... but rest assured.. if there's one thing you taught me, it's that there is just as much to learn from trying and failing as there is to learn from trying and succeeding... and that's a comforting lesson.. i promise to always try, if it's all i ever do... so heres to you and all you gave me... and heres to 23..

Pa Rum.. Pum... Pum... Pum....

2008-12-09T20:38:00.000-08:00

Oh Christmas time... it truly is the most wonderful time of the year.. these pictures are from my sister's belated birthday party last saturday night... we love her so much, we decided to give her like 4 parties... but she's worth it.. and check it out, we look like a christmas card..

have yourself a merry little christmas... love, callie and erin

these are my amazing friends... some of the most intelligent and Godly young ladies you will ever meet... and yes, i know.. they're gorgeous.. and most of them are single so if your interested.. holla atcha girl.. i can hook you up (but only if you are as amazing as they are.. and if not, lo ciento amigo)

i can usually be found here...

i hope you are making the most of this holiday season... and remember, Christmas isn't about presents... it's about love, joy, and peace... and snow, cross your fingers!

a case of the mondays...

2008-12-08T22:39:00.000-08:00

today was an odd day... i wasn't quite myself.. i wasn't in a bad mood or anything.. just out of it.. and my self-diagnosed ADD was in o-v-e-r-d-r-i-v-e... i spent the better part of my day at the brewery... which i like to think of as the new life church version of central perk... you can always count on finding friends when you walk through the door... it's my favorite place to go and read.. mainly because of the cute and cozy atmosphere.. plus snickerdoodle monday is always a treat... anyway... today i couldn't get my brain to focus on anything i tried to do... seriously.. it was bad.. i'm currently reading a really great book by erwin mcmanus called 'seizing your divine moment' and i'm really liking it so far... but i think i read the same page like 10 times today and finally just closed the cover to try something else... i got out my bible to read and journal.. which actually lasted for a while... but my thoughts just kept trailing off somewhere else... so i finally gave up on that too... eventually i just glazed over and stopped thinking all together... which i think worried some of my friends.. they kept asking me if i was okay... which i totally was.. i just had a malfunctioning brain... BUT... i have GREAT NEWS... i did end up finding the antedote to my frustrating problem... and i'm pretty sure it'll work every time... because it never gets old.... and it's easy to concentrate once you've engaged in this oh-so-productive activity:

concentration at its finest...

we were in not-so-rare form...

just another incredibly productive day at the brewery... yall all know what i'm talking about..

you shine on us..

2008-12-08T02:28:00.000-08:00

tonight i went on a long and much needed drive with my friend rebecca... we wanted to see all the stars we could so we went out to petit jean and watched the sky for a long time... fyi.. the best possible theme music for star-gazing is a song called vaka.. look it up it will change your life :) anyway... tonight God was pulling out all the stops.. the sky was unusually clear and we saw tons of shooting stars... i wished on every one of them, of course.. and with one of my wishes i wished for snow.. i WANT snow in arkansas before i leave for australia... it's of the utmost importance!! and even though it doesn't look like it's in the forecast anytime soon.. i believe it will happen.. snow is better as a surprise anyway right? but i think i should tell you... the stars were not alone in the sky tonight... the moon was there too.. but it wasn't just the same ol' moon we see every night.. no, tonight the moon had a halo around it.. becca and i kept trying to figure out the significance of a halo around the moon.. i even asked cha cha... but it did me no good... cha cha always has lame answers anyway.. so when i got home i googled it... and do you know what?? as fate would have it... its an old myth that a ring around the moon is sometimes used to predict snow... how perfect :)

created for this...

2008-12-07T00:54:00.000-08:00

let's be honest. music makes the world go around. or at least it makes my world go around... especially worship music.. i LOVE to praise God.. it's like breathing in and out for me... and it isn't farfetched to say that i always have a lovesong in my heart for my God.. and its usually coming out of my mouth as well.. always singing... always.

i love the power of song. i think it is the strongest form of communication possible in our world.. it flows out from the inside of people.. it's honest.. and it is universal.. no wonder that we praise the Lord with music.. it makes sense.

i count it a significant blessing.. one not to be taken for granted... that i get to lead other people into the presence of God through worship.. i find joy in waiting to see what the holy spirit will do when his people sing to him... it's kind of like when the music starts... i wait for freedom to fall on the crowd.. and fall on me..

worship is about being free... it's a response to freedom, actually. for me, it comes from remembering what it was like to be completely bound, decieved, and unresponsive to the truths and promises offered by a real Jesus.. there was most definitely a time when i didn't know the love of God... a time when i couldn't possibly wrap my head around unconditional love and freedom.. a time when true worship was inconceivable for me..

i began leading worship for Real Life student ministry when i was fifteen years old. before new life church came to conway, i didn't know very much about God, and i didn't care very much about worshiping Him. the fact that i even ended up on the worship stage is a mystery to me. i was so insecure and oblivious to the point of it all.. but somehow i ended up on stage. not so ironically, that is the same year i began my brutal bout with the eating disorder bulimia. without going into it.. i'll just say that my battle with bulimia nearly stole everything i had.. including my relationship with my Jesus... i was a shell of a person with only one objective: convincing the world that i had it all together.. a backbreaking task, to be sure... and week after week, i walked up the steps of a stage and sang songs into the open air.. without knowing the One i was singing to... there was no freedom.. i was too rigid and boxed in to feel the spirit... too consumed by fear, shame, and deceit.. wrecked and aching .... but then after 5 long years of aimless praise, living beneath the lies that were nearly engraved into my DNA... i was carried straight out of destruction into the glow of sweet peace and clarity in the arms of the God who is Jealous for me.. my God showed me what i'm worth to Him.. and even in my ugly, defeated state.. he saw me as beautiful... and saved me from myself..

ever since the Lord set me free from such hellish living conditions.. i can't even tell you how different my praise to Him has been.. when i sing to him, it comes from a place of the deepest possible gratitude.. i am a new creation and it's because of Him... because of who He is... it's like i can't keep my hands down... i just want to dance and sing and shout... it just flows out of me.. a freedom song...

i know that God called me to be a worship leader.. but what is more than that... God has trusted me with the task of introducing freedom to people who are not free. to people who don't know the love of a real Jesus... to proclaim the truth and say that answers come and healing starts just from being in the glorious presence of the Lord.... it is my objective to teach broken hearts how to sing to Jesus... and it all starts with freedom...

My God is beautiful.. he deserves all the praise... and all the glory... he deserves more than what we can bring him in a song.. but he LOVES it when we really worship Him.. in spirit and in truth.. he set us free for freedom... so that we can worship him with our WHOLE heart.. not just the parts that aren't broken or shut off... when we communicate that he is IT for us... theres no one else... that we belong to Him.. heart and soul.. it's his favorite thing... in fact, he lives there in that place... He dwells in the praises of His people.. he lives inside of our freedom... it's b e a u t i f u l...

nonfiction...

2008-12-04T22:44:00.000-08:00

okay... so i would like to announce my arrival into the blogging world. i've had this blogspot account for a while now.. and for some reason i've never used it... but i think it makes sense for me to start blogging now since i'm about to be leaving home to spend 11 months in australia.. with that said, i am beginning to re-realize why i never used the account in the first place as i am currently encountering the dilemma of 'what in the world do i blog about?' oh the possibilities... do i give a play-by-play of what i've been doing in life?? or of the things i've been learning?? or should i stick to strictly witty posts? i feel like i have some sort of an expectation or preconceived idea about how i should maintain my blog-personality... or whatever. but just to eliminate that confinement.. i am going to go ahead and say that this blog might not be all that entertaining. sorry. it might be a bit of rambling and sometimes nonsensical... but i can promise you that it will be 100% me... i can assure you :)

and now for my first topic of discussion... i would like to discuss the abomination to yuletide cheer that is: inflatable christmas decorations. as i was driving home tonight, i passed a house that looks like they might be going into the business of massdistributing those tacky nylon holiday monsters.. but they weren't selling them at all... they were using them as a symbol peace on earth and mercy mild.. please, someone tell me.. what about a creepy blow-up santa that pops his head in and out of a creepy blow up chimney says 'welcome to earth baby Jesus'? am i the only one who wishes the whole world looked like kevin's street on home alone at christmas time?